More Jokes

Chicken, surely?

Maybe it’s bilingual?

Are you suggesting the duck might be slumming it as a chicken?

That’s a base canard.

nice !

Duck humour is not all it’s quacked up to be.

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head, and the bartender says “Where’d that come from?” The duck says “I dunno, it started as this bump on my ass.”

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge and colourful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, 'Where did you get that?

The parrot says, ‘Tortugas!’

A man walks into a doctor’s office with a duck on his head. The doctor says, “You need help.” “I sure do!” replies the duck. “Get this man out from under me.”

A guy finds a $100 bill on the sidewalk. He smiles at his good fortune, and goes home.

In the middle of the night, he’s jarred awake by this clamoring in his head “GO TO VEGAS. GO TO VEGAS.”

He can’t get this thought out of his head. After a few days of this, he decides to go to Vegas like the voice keeps telling him.

He steps out of the airport, and the voice starts again: “GO TO THE MIRAGE. GO TO THE MIRAGE.”

He tells the cabbie to take him to the Mirage Casino. The cabbie obliges.

The guy walks into the casino, and the voice starts again: “GO TO THE ROULETTE TABLE. GO TO THE ROULETTE TABLE.”

As he approaches the roulette wheel, the voice commands him to “PUT IT ALL ON DOUBLE-ZERO”

The guy does as instructed. The croupier spins the wheel, and it lands on black 24.

The voice speaks up: “SHIT!!”

I called the Tinnitus Helpline.

It wouldn’t stop ringing.

How do poets say hello?

Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

John Wayne got fired from his first job cleaning stables.

He wouldn’t take shit from anyone even if you paid him.

A Father Notices His Son’s Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.

We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that’s in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

OK, that one actually made me laugh out loud. In class.

Did you hear about the KKK bakery?
They make two things: white sheet cakes and hot cross buns.

Or Chrysler’s KKK* car?
It comes in one color—white with a white hood.
It goes from zero to Alabama in six seconds.

*For younger or possibly non-American dopers, the reference:

A mathematician comes home at three in the morning.

His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, “You’re late. You said you’d be home at 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies, “I said I’d be home at a quarter of 12.”

What do a pistol and candy have in common?

When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It’s only been a week, and I’ve already concluded…

…that I’m in the control group.

Google told me this one so don’t blame me.

Q. Why does a duck have tail feathers?

A. To cover its butt quack.

“Cassius, how many of those dormice in aspic have you had?”

“Et tu, Brute”.

I don’t blame him. If you’re a horse, naturally you’d want to get away from the Packers.

I’m not adulting today.

I’m kidding.

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife “Mother of Six,” to her displeasure. One night at a party, he yells across the room, “Mother of six, we’re leaving now.”

She replies, “Be right with you, father of four.”

I’m so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed.

The electric company receives a complaint that their repairmen were using bad language. The boss calls in the two repairman and asks for an explanation. “It was like this, Sam was working at the top of the pole and I was working at the bottom when his hammer slipped out of his hand and hit me squarely on my hardhat. So I looked up and said ‘Sam, you really should be more careful.’”

Sam and Joan were married for 50 years; had 5 kids. Well, Sam got sick. On his deathbed, he says “Our 4th child - Johnnie doesn’t look like the others. Joan, I know you’ve had affairs over the years. Who’s Johnnie’s father?” Joan replies “You are.”