More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1072

“Got a couple for my hip pocket?”

As a suffering Minnesota Vikings fan (live in Iowa) one of my favorites.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and due to treatin’ Lena so bad for such a long time they go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them ‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’ Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, ‘Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?’ Sven replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve’ve yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis nice.’

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, ‘I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two?’ They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don’t ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.
​

1073

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy”. I call my dog “Sex”.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like to have one too.” Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, “You don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The Clerk said “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. “But you don’t understand”, I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on television.” He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married.” The judge said “Me too.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, “Me too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked “What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?” I said, “I’m looking for Sex…”

My court date has been set for Friday…

1074

The way I heard it, it was a Sven and Ole joke. :rofl:

After Adam eats the apple, God tells him he must now have sex with Eve.

“Lord,” says Adam, “what’s ‘sex’?”

God tells him to get Eve to lie down naked behind some bushes and he’ll find out.

Adam does as he’s told. A few minutes later, he comes out of the bushes completely bewildered.

“Lord,” says Adam, “what’s a ‘headache’?”

An American and a Russian are given a choice between spending eternity in US or Soviet Hell.

In US Hell, you have eat a shovel of shit every day. In Soviet Hell, you have to eat two shovels of shit every day.

The American, of course, opts for US Hell. The Russian chooses Soviet Hell.

The two bump into each other some time later.

The American says “You should have picked US Hell, you know. There we only have to eat one shovel of shit a day.”

The Russian shakes his head and says “You don’t understand my homeland. Half the time there’s no shovel, and the other half there’s no shit.”

1075

Two British cows are chatting in a meadow.

“What’s all this about ‘Mad Cow Disease’ then?” says one.

“Nothin’ t’do with me,” says the other. “I’m a helicopter!”

1076

I’d steal this and retool it to be about Michigan Yoopers and the Detroit Lions, but most Yoopers are Packers fans.

1077

How can you tell a blind man in a nudist colony?

It’s not hard.

1078

How do you make your car go faster?

Spoiler

1079

How can you spot a new guy in a nudist colony?

He sticks out like a sore thumb.

1080

Ole and Helga have been married more than 50 years, and while Helga has never really cared much for sex, Ole is still pretty frisky.

One day while Helga is in the kitchen rolling out the lefse, Ole comes up behind her and starts exploring familiar territory.

“Hey, darlin,’” Ole whispers in her ear. “How 'bout a little oral sex right here in de kitchen?”

Helga isn’t really in the mood, but she’ll do anything to make her man happy. So she hitches up her skirts and lifts herself onto the counter. Ole gets down on his hands and knees, disappears beneath Helga’s skirts and goes to work.

Ole is lapping away when Helga realizes she has to fart. Nothing special, just a tiny silent one. Ole seems not to notice.

A minute or so later Helga realizes she has to fart again. This time it’s a cute little popper, but it smells awful. Ole pays no attention.

Another minute goes by, and Helga realizes she really has to fart. This one is a huge rip that stinks to high heaven. Ole doesn’t even slow down.

By this time, Helga has started to feel guilty. So she says “Hej, Ole, you okay down dere?”

“Ja, sure,” says Ole. “Jus’ keep dat fresh air comin’!”

1081

The alarm clock in Billy Boy and Loretta’s trailer goes off at three in the morning, and Billy Bob gives Loretta a kick.

“Rise an’ shine, woman!” says Billy Bob. “You, me, an’ Bubba are goin’ fishin’!”

“Aw, hell,” says Loretta, pulling the covers over her head. “I don’t wanna go fishin’.”

“You lissen t’me, woman!” says Billy Bob. “I’m goin’ next door t’make sure Bubba’s up. You ain’t ready by the time I git back, you gotta choice: You’re either gonna blow me or you’re gonna take me where the sun don’t shine!”

Billy Boy slams the door to the trailer as he goes out. He comes back half an hour later and says “Okay, woman, time’s up! What’s it gonna be?”

“Aw, hell,” says Loretta. “Come over here, I’ll blow ya.”

So Billy Bob unzips and Loretta goes to work.

“Ew!” says Loretta. “Yer dick tastes like shit!”

“Yeah, I know,” says Billy Bob. “Bubba din’t wanna go fishin’ neither.”

Two Bikers bump into each other for the first time in a couple of years:

“Hey, man!” says one Biker. “What’s new?”

“I got married,” says the other Biker.

“No shit!” says the first Biker. “How’s the sex?”

“Nothin’ special,” says the second Biker. “But at least I don’t haveta stand in line any more.”

1082

A husband and wife have been married for almost 30 years, and every morning the husband comes down the stairs and greets his wife in the kitchen by patting each of her butt cheeks and saying ‘beautiful buns’.

For their upcoming 30th anniversary, she wants to get him a special, unique gift, so she goes to a tattoo parlor, where she asks what it would cost to tattoo 'beautiful buns" on her butt cheeks, and gets a quote of $1200. She says, “I can’t afford that!”. So the tattoo guy says for $200 he’ll tattoo a big “B” on each ass cheek, in a nice Old English lettering style. She thinks OK, that’ll work, he’ll know what it means.

So the morning of their anniversary he comes down the stairs like usual, taps her left cheek, starts to say “beautiful…”

“Wait, I have a special surprise!” the wife says, and she pulls down her pajama bottoms and panties and bends way over to give him a good look. But the husband is puzzled.

“Who’s BOB??”

1083

I just got home from my colonoscopy

I have no shits to give

I tried searching up “memory loss” on Google

but for some reason, all the links were purple.

Which rock group has members that don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore…

1084

Ah, yes. The punchline of my tattoo jokes is, “That fella in the middle is Willie Nelson!”

1085

How did herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches.

Did you hear how the singer got herpes in his eye?
He was lookin’ for love in all the wrong places.

Did you hear the birds get a form of it?
It’s called “chirpies.” It’s a canarial disease.

Why is it called “Premenstrual Syndrome?”
“Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.

1086
Not Safe For Work

https://pics.me.me/willy-nelson-tat-real-beard-10027841.png

1087

Most innovative. But that does NOT look like Willie Nelson.

1088

Should’ve been Jesus.

1089

I knew a woman who had a ‘thing’ for guys who drove Volvos. But not just any Volvo; they had to be painted aquamarine. She said, ‘There’s something about an aqua Volvo man.’

1090

Ethel and Ruth live together in a nursing home. Every so often they go outside and sneak a cigarette together. One day when they’re out there smoking it starts to rain. Ruth reaches in her pocket and pulls out a condom that’s got the end cut off of it. She puts it over her cigarette to keep it dry. “Land sakes, honey” says Ethel. " where in the world did you get that thing? I ain’t seen one of them objects in years!" “I bought it at the pharmacy up on the corner,” Ruth says. Ethel says “Well, I’m going to get me one too, 'cos if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s smoking a damp cigarette!” She calls her granddaughter and asks for a ride to the pharmacy. She says “sure, Granny I’ll take you.” And they go up there the next day. She dutifully helps her grandmother out of the car and onto her walker. “Do you need me to go inside with you, Granny?” “No, baby girl I’m good” says her grandmother as she marches in right there on her walker. She looks at the young clerk behind the counter and says, "now listen, sonny, I want you to sell me one of them rubber prophylactics y’all got up in here. The clerk’s trying to keep a straight face and says “Certainly, madam, what size?” and she says :

“Oh hell, I don’t care as long as it’ll fit on a Camel”

1091

This one is funny because it really happened. When I was a kid, I was friends with the boy across the street. Anyways, one day he told me that the day before, his family and he went to Canada. Oh, really, I said. Did you go through Customs? Then a wave of confusion came over him. And he said, no, we stayed the same.

Oh, and why aren’t there more children jokes here (speaking of children)? As a kid, I got this one from a box of Cracker Jack:

Q: What do you call a 300 pound, six-foot-four purple people eater?

A: Sir!