Bob runs a small business. Due to budgetary cutbacks, he’s got to lay off one of his two assistant managers, Jack or Denise.
Unable to decide who should get the axe, he calls Denise into his office. She sits down, and he says, “Denise, it’s like this: I’ve either got to lay you or Jack off.”
Denise replies, “well, jack off. I have a headache.”
Turns out it was all maple leaf.
“Wow, he’s that good, yeah?”
“Well I don’t know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree.”
A Non-Prophet Organization
Woman walks into a doctor’s office. Says “Doctor, you’ve got to help me, I have this horrible farting problem. You probably haven’t noticed but I’ve let out three of them since I came in.” The doctor says “Well, first we have to check your hearing…”
John was driving down the highway when he ran out of petrol.
He sat there in the driver’s seat wondering what to do next, when a bee flew through his window.
“What seems to be your problem?” the bee asked.
“I’ve run out of petrol,” John replied.
“That’s unfortunate,” the bee said. “However, if you wait here I can help you.”
The bee then flew off, only to return minutes later with an entire swarm of bees. They all flew into his petrol tank, leaving John wondering exactly what was going on.
After a few minutes the swam flew off and the bee said to John: “Try it now”.
John turned his ignition key and the car fired into action immediately.
“Wow,” John exclaimed. “What did you put in the petrol tank?”
The bee smiled and said: “BP of course.”
That’s the one.
(I never said it was funny !)
The Ghost of Christmas passed.
It’s a gift.
One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.
So… Did the defending team slip in it?
I heard that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was originally going to be called Charlie and the Spermicide Factory, but that’s hard to conceive.
They could make spermicidal jelly.
is sphere itself.
Only one but he has to do it while you’re eating dinner.
You might be dyslexic
“Mr. Holmes - what school did you go to in your younger years?”
“Watson Elementary, my dear.”
What’s the most difficult thing for a woman with a colostomy?
Finding shoes to match her bag.
When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said ‘Narnia business’.
Asking for a friend.
The rest are Nazis.
I hate you. This is TERRIBLE!
I will be repeating this one.
In Britain, not even THAT one is!
What did the cigarettes say to the packaging machine?
“Curses! Foiled again!”
Do you see what I see?
Get them a fridge, and watch their face light up when they open it.
Or as some people might call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room.
Because he feels everyone’s presents.
She: “Say something warm and mushy to me.”
He: “Hot porridge.”
oof.
The difference is staggering.
They left it too close to the gaslight.
She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
Seamus got onto a train in Dublin and asked the conductor, ‘How far is it to Galway?’ The conductor replied, ‘About 200 km.’ Seamus then asked him, ‘How far is it from Galway to Dublin?’ The conductor said, ‘It’s about 200 km. Why would you think it would be any different?’ Seamus says, ‘You know it isn’t far from Christmas to New Year’s; but it’s a very long way from New Year’s to Christmas!’