What has 15 actors, eight sets, two times of year, and one plot?
632 Hallmark movies.
Aliens are probably monitoring our media.
98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they’re not giving us anal probes. They’re just trying to speak our language.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
How do you make a hot dog stand up?
You take away it’s chair
If you leave off ‘up’, the implication is that you want to make a hot dog stand.
My fondest Childhood memory was making Sand Castles with Grandma.
Until my mother hid the Urn.
The inventor of the USB stick has died
At his funeral they gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.
A vampire dies and he goes to the heaven
And he meets the God, the God says:
“I see you were a good vampire, never hurts any human, and only feed on ox blood, didn’t you?”
“Yes, yes my lord.” The vampire answers humbly.
“So,” the God says, “I will give you a chance for you to choose your own next life, you could be any beings you want to be.”
The vampire thinks for a while, and says:
“My lord, I am always admiring the angels, so I want to be as white and pure as them, also having those white wings.”
“So I would give you a chance to be an angel in your next life.” The God says.
“No, no my lord, I don’t want to be an angel.” The vampire says, still humbly.
“Well, since you are admiring them, how come you don’t want to become one of them?” The God confused.
“I am sorry, my lord,” the vampire says and ashamed, “being a vampire for that many years have made me get addicted to blood, so I still want to taste the blood everyday in my next life.”
“So that means, you want to have a body as white as the angels, and also a pair of white wings, plus still feed on blood everyday?” The God asks.
“Yes, exactly, my lord.” The vampire is excited.
“Well, that’s won’t be hard, I agree your request.” The God says, and snaps finger.
And in next moment, the vampire shows up on a supermarket shelf, confusing and he asks God: “My lord, what am I now?”
The God answers him:
“Based on the text on your body, you are now technically called ‘Always Xtra Protection Daily Liners, Regular’”
Boxing was invented by transvestites. After all, it’s a couple of men fighting for a belt and a purse.
From about 2005:
What do you call a bunch of white guys with clubs chasing a black guy?
The PGA (Tiger Woods was still dominating)
Bum: Can I smell your pussy?
Grande Dame: What! No! Go away!
Bum: Must be your feet, then.
A fat drunk man at a party walks up to the host. He asks the host, “You wouldn’t happen to have any green toilet paper that says ‘Fuck you’ would you?”
The host starts to chuckle and says, “Why no. I don’t.” Trying to be as nice as possible to the drunk fat man.
The drunk fat man then says, “Oh… well then I just wiped my ass with your parrot.”
An elderly couple are on the couch watching TV. The man says, ‘My butt fell asleep.’ The woman says, ‘Yes, I know. I can hear it snoring.’
A woman tells her husband she wants breast augmentation surgery. He says, “Just take some toilet paper and rub it between them.”
“What makes you think that will make them bigger?” she asks.
“It worked for your ass, didn’t it?”
—Father, what is the difference between fornication and adultery?
—I don’t know, Son. Because I’ve had both, and I sure can’t tell the difference.
I was in a bookstore when I was in the Eighth grade. And I read this (yes, the owner let me read it). It’s the Playboy joke guide:
Some ladies of the evening were being rounded up by the cops. And an old woman walks by, and asks them what they were doing. A woman there jokes that they were lining up to get lollipops. So naturally the old woman had to join the queue. Then as the cops booked the ladies, they eventually got to the old lady. “Aren’t you a little old to be doing this?” he asked. “No, sir,” the old lady replied. “As long as they keep making them, I’ll keep sucking 'em!” (Send your complaints to Playboy if you didn’t like that one.
Also, from the same book:
-What’s the difference between a prostitute, a gigolo and a Protestant minister?
-A prostitute is a penis mender, a gigolo is a penis lender and a Protestant minister is a penis ender.
Oh, and I thought I’d add, my Uncle Chet (1923-2006) used to say this every Christmas: Here’s to the girl who lives on the hill! She won’t do it but her sister will. 
What’s Christmas called in England?
Yule Britannia!
Why does Santa land on the roof?
Because he likes to be on top.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Hannah.
Hannah who?
Hannah partridge in a pear tree.
When she boogie
She do the tube snake boogie
Well now, boogie, little baby
Boogie-woogie all night long
To wives and girlfriends! May they never meet!
(Better illustrated in person but hopefully I can describe well enough)
What’s the difference between amateur wrestling, pro wrestling, and the priesthood?
(Stand behind person to whom you’re telling the joke, slide your arm under his/her armpit, bring your hand over the shoulder, place palm behind the person’s neck) “Amateur wrestling—the Half Nelson.”
(Do the same with your free arm so both hands are on the neck) “Pro wrestling-The Full Nelson”
The priesthood? (While still subduing the person with a full Nelson, start humping him/her) FATHER NELSON!!!
Dana Gould did a hilarious joke—wish I could find it because he does a great JFK voice. The setup was something to the effect “What if JFK had been a comedian?” In your best mental JFK voice, stressing words for effect here and there:
A man returns to a home where he had attended a party the night previously to retrieve a pair of gloves. And he says to the host “I admire your gold toilet seat.”
The host says “I have no gold toilet seat—you’re the man who pooped in my tuba!”
First real laugh of the thread!
Here’s a clip of Dana Gould as JFK.
bonus joke: A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper stares at him for a second and says “You have a drink named Howard?”
When the moon hits your knees, and you mispronounce trees
Sycamore
I buried my best porn in a time capsule.
For the generations to come.
What word is the same backwards?
Gibberish
Thanks…a classic!
Oliver Stone combines the film JFK with the film The Doors.
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas
with a note on it saying, toys not included.”
– Bernard Manning
What did the car say to the dreidel?
Want to go for a spin?
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Ilene.
What do you call a man who is amputated at the knees?
Neil.
What do you call a man with no limbs who likes to swim?
Bob.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Well, it makes no difference, cause he wouldn’t come anyways.
(Now, I’m being nice. Because the list usually ends: What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stu! 
.)