New York tourist to New Yorker: “Can you tell me how to get to the Empire State Building or should I go fuck myself?”
We’re not Grammar Nazis anymore.
Now we’re the Alt-Write.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces “We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!”
The chemist replies “No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!”
Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. “What the hell are you doing??”
“Getting a proper sample size!”
A man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed,
and pulled the blankets over them. She was shocked as he hadn’t been like this for 20 years.
Then her husband said: “Look! My new watch glows in the dark!”
New York tourist: Can you tell me how to get to Carnegie Hall?
New York Resident: Wazzat?
Tourist: I said, how do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Resident: PRACTICE!
I was a passenger in my buddy’s car driving through a busy city. Coming upon a red light, he ran right through it without looking or slowing down. When I pointed it out, he said, “it’s ok, my brother says your chances of getting hit are very slim. He always drives this way.” He proceeded to run three red lights in a row, each time explaining that his brother drives that way.
Then we approached a green light. He came to a complete stop, cautiously looked both ways, then drove through the intersection.
“What the hell?”, I said. “why are you stopping on a green?!”
“You never know, my brother could be coming the other way.”
If you have trouble lasting long in bed, try doggy style,
Because 2 human minutes is 14 dog minutes!
My ex saw me yesterday and told me when I die she promises she’ll dance on my grave
‘Good’ I said, ‘I’m being buried at sea’.
I went on a diabetes awareness website…
…and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?
A nun who spent her entire life teaching died and went to heaven. St. Peter met her at the gate and informs her “there are three different levels to heaven. To access each one, you must prove your mastery of the knowledge you passed on to your pupils and answer a question. Then you may enter”.
She approached the first gate and a voice boomed “WHO WAS THE FIRST MAN ON EARTH?”
“Oh, that’s an easy one. Adam.”
DUN-TA-DA!!! Trumpets blared and the first gate opened.
After exploring a bit, she decided to attempt the second gate. “WHO WAS THE FIRST WOMAN ON EARTH?”
“Oh, that’s an easy one. Eve”
DUN-TA-DA!!! The second gate opened.
After spending some time on the second level, she decided to attempt the third and final gate.
“WHAT WERE THE FIRST WORDS EVE SPOKE TO ADAM?”
“Oh, now that’s a hard one”
DUN-TA-DA!!!
From the early days of the internet…
Busch. Smooth going down, extra tasty the second time around.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, if they’re small.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. Just don’t ask me how they got in there.
As often happens, that reminded me of another one:
A minister is delivering his Sunday sermon, when he sees Mr. Jones nodding off in the back pews. So he asks “Mr. Jones-- who is the creator of all things in Heaven and Earth?”
Mr. Jones’ wife gets a knitting needle out of her purse and gives him a jab. He yells out, “GOD!!”.
“Correct.” The minister says.
A little later Mr. Jones is straight up snoring, so the minister asks, “Mr. Jones-- who is our Lord and Savior, who sacrificed himself on the cross for us?”
Another jab from his wife, and Mr. Jones yells out “JESUS CHRIST!!”
“Correct.” The minister says.
After a bit he appears to be nodding off again, so the minister decides to ask a tougher question. “Mr. Jones: what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their last child?”
But this time Mr. Jones is ready for his wife. He turns to her and yells out “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’M BREAKING IT IN HALF!!”
Doctor: “Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants.”
Patient: “They took our jabs!”
If my grandmother knew how much I spent on her funeral
She would be spinning in her ditch.
What do you call a shrimp that always gets injured?
Accident prawn.
My wife’s gone and locked herself in the kitchen after an argument over how cheap and miserable I’ve become since we got married.
She’s in there now, ripping all the plates in half.
I would say THE BEST time on a face of a clock is 6:30… hands down!
‘Will three drinks make you dizzy?’
‘Yes. But the name is Daisy!’
I was reminded of this old one when watching the Ben Affleck movie on Amazon Prime:
A termite walks into a bar.
He asks, “is the bar tender here?”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Why the long face?’
A bear walks into a bar and says, ‘I’d like a… … Beer.’ The bartender says, ‘Sure. But why the big pause?’ The bear looks at his hands and says, ‘I was born with them.’
A pirate walks into a bar with a large and very colourful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, ‘Where did you get that?’ The parrot says, ‘Tortugas!’
A gorilla walks into a bar. Holding out a crisp twenty he says, “Bartender, bring me a banana martini.”
The bartender is stunned: in all his years of bartending, he has never seen a gorilla patron. Or heard a talking gorilla. Or mixed a banana martini. Or seen a gorilla who knew how to count money. This gave him an idea.
After mixing the drink, he took the $20 bill and stuck it in the register. Doubting the gorilla’s ability to count change, he hands the gorilla back $1, even though he knew full well the drink was only $7.50. The gorilla says nothing.
After a while, the bartender just can’t control his curiosity any longer. He approaches the gorilla and says, “You know, I can’t help but say… in all my years, I’ve never so much as seen a gorilla walk into a bar, let alone serve one a drink!”
To which the gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m surprised you have any customers at all!”
A bowl of spaghetti walks into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
A ghost walks into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.”
This is killing me.
I walked into a bar. I said, “Ouch, I should of ducked!”