A man walks into his bedroom with a duck under his arm. His wife is lying in bed. He says, “This is the pig I’ve been fucking.” The wife says, “That’s not a pig…that’s a duck.” He says, “I was talking to the duck.”
The grade school teacher is giving the students a basic lesson in sex education. “Every man has a penis,” she begins. Johnny raises his hand. “My dad has two,” he replies. “Oh, you must be mistaken…every man has just one.” He says, “Nope, he has a small one he pees with and a great big one he brushes mommy’s teeth with.”
What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?
A 12 pack.
This apparently happened to a grad student at McGill about 50 years ago. He was broke and homeless and slept in a sleeping bag on Mt. Royal, which is patrolled by mounted police (city police, not Mounties). He claimed one day that he went up to a mounted cop and said, “Nice dog you have.” The cop said, “That’s not a dog; that’s a horse.” To which the student replied (so he claims), “I was talking to the horse.” He said the cop laughed.
Heh. Reminds me of the time Frank Skinner interviewed Erica Roe, the “Twickenham Streaker” who did a topless run across the rugby pitch during an England-Australia match.
Skinner’s comment was “I’m surprised you weren’t grabbed by the bouncers.”
A police station was broken into & all the toilet equipment stolen. So far the police have nothing to go on.
The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.
I just read this one in a magazine yesterday. (Yes I do still read magazines, in paper form .)
A father says to his little boy, Okay, it’s time to learn about the birds and the bees. Ah, shucks, the little boy said. First you tell me there is no Santa Claus, then you tell me there is no Easter Bunny. Now you’re going to tell me there is no sex?!
I read in the local news the other day that the top breeding Holstein on a nearby family farm accidentally swallowed an explosive device. The news report described the situation as ‘abominable’.
Unfortunately, the device exploded before anybody could do anything about it. The news report described the loss as ‘noble’.
(not a joke) I made chili for a contest at work with ground turkey and cubed pork steak. I called it Noble Chili.
Was tasting at that contest with a couple of co-workers, and we were all eating a vegetarian entry. One guy says “It’s missing something.” I looked at my boss, and together we said “Yeah, meat.”
I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim”.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
A genie granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy.”
Now I’m living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
Pick a super power
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and starts chatting with the bartender. “If you could have any superpower which one would you want?” he asks the bartender. “Cold war Russia, I guess,” the bartender replies.
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