Yeah, spellcheck keeps butchering my posts. If I don’t catch it, it becomes permanent. Of course I’ve noticed some jokes are in fact deliberately butchered. Especially if you already know the punchline. Makes you think by giving you something you don’t expect 
.
But is it murder?
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Hey look at those birds outside,” the bartender comments to him. “Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?” “Well you can’t be sure that’s a murder,” the detective says. “Unless there is probable caws.”
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
What’s the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.
It’s part of her minstrel cycle.
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…
Feefiphobia
Two lions are walking around a supermarket
One turns to the other and says ‘Quiet here today, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, not like yesterday where everyone was screaming. Man, they were tasty!’
(BTW - the other puns were terrible. I’m sure I’ll steal them!)
A guy comes home from work and tells his wife he got fired from his job at the deli.
She: What happened?
He: They caught me sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.
She: Oh my goodness! Are you OK?
He: Oh yeah, I’m fine.
She: What about the pickle slicer?
He: They fired her too.
A guy comes home from work and yells, “Honey, I just won the lottery, pack your bags!”
She said, “Oh my god, that’s amazing. Where are we going?”
He replied, “I don’t give a damn, just get out.”
As far as I’m concerned, autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
Tony Orlando was mis[sing. They searched all morning, all afternoon, all night…they finally found him at the crack of Dawn.
How are elephants like wristwatches?
Both come in quarts (quartz)
Did you hear about the guy who got rich circumsizing elephants
It didn’t pay that much but the tips were pretty big
How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skindivers.
Now this is funny!
So a man goes to eat at a fancy restaurant. He’s never been there before and is excited for a nice meal. The very first thing he does when he sits down is accidentally knock his spoon onto the floor with his elbow. To his surprise a waiter promptly picks up the dirty spoon and gives him a clean one right out of his shirt pocket.
“Wow, you guys all carry spoons in your pocket?” he asked.
“Well sure.” the waiter replies. “We had an efficiency consultant in last week and he told us we could increase over all productivity by 3.5% by carrying fresh spoons in our pockets so now we all do it.”
“Wow that’s impressive,” the man says. “By the way, I should let you know that you have a piece of string hanging out of your fly.”
“Oh we all do!” the waiter says. “The consultant said we were wasting a lot of time washing our hands so he told us to tie this piece of string to ourselves. So when I need to go, I just use the string. Since I never actually touch myself, there’s no need to wash my hands!”
“I see.” Says the man. “So how do you get your penis back into your pants?” he asks.
“Well. I don’t know abut these these other guys, but I use the spoon.”
An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months…
Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.”
“I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.”
“If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do
you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You fuck her again.”
Interviewer: Can you explain these gaps in your resume?
Me : I believe those were caused by the space bar.
Two old friends were fishing when one asked the other “If I slept with your wife, would that make us be like family?”
His friend replied “No, that make us even.”
What do you call wine that comes in a box?
Cardboardeaux
A blonde friend rang the SPCA today to tell them she had just found six puppies in a suitcase at the side of the road…
“Are they moving?” asked the operator…
“I’m not sure” she replied, "But that would explain the suitcase”…
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would work but I stand corrected!!
A weasel walked into a pub. ‘’What can I get you’’? said the landlord . ‘’Pop’’ goes the weasel.
Q. How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?
A. Take away their little brooms.
Hilarious!!
[Good to see you back, Piper!]
That’s because he lost his focus.
Did you hear about the guy who drank a gallon of prune juice on a dare?
I wouldn’t say he was brave, but at least he was a regular guy.
A flea goes to an employment agency looking for work. They give him a job working in the beard of Kenny Rogers. A couple days later he returns, very dissatisfied. “That guy has terrible grooming habits,” he says. So they find him another job, this time in Dolly Parton’s crotch. He comes back two months later. “What’s the matter?” they ask. “Bad grooming habits again?” He replies, “No, she’s fastidious. But somehow two months later, I ended up back in Kenny’s beard.”
How do you know when Dolly has been jogging?
She has two black eyes and two broken kneecaps.
A few insults from back in the day:
She’s a carpenter’s dream.
Flat as a board
She’s a pirate’s dream.
A sunken chest
(Foghorn Leghorn): Reminds me of the road between Dallas and Fort Worth.
No curves
Groucho Marx: I never forget a face.
But in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
And never been screwed.