Nailed.
A couple I heard when I was a kid.
<>
Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.
The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community’s minister to reason with the giant. But before they could even say one word the giant kicked them down the mountain. The Trids thought maybe this was because the giant was Catholic, so they sent another group, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached, the giant once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the giant was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they asked a rabbi of a different community for help. The Rabbi led a group of Trids up the mountain. The giant saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, knowing the giant’s past, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the giant. The giant laughed and replied
“Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”
<>
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Before crowbars were invented, most crows drank at home.
A man was in court today for stealing a calendar… He got twelve months.
When my ex wife told me I should stop behaving like a flamingo…… I
really had to put my foot down!
When I told my doctor that I thought I was shrinking, he suggested I should be a little patient.
My favorite type of jokes currently.
Then there was this family who went to the doctor to have their strange condition examined where their central smelling organs were growing at a 45-degree angle off the regular orientation.
The diagnosis was that they were born with diag-noses.
What did the kamikaze flight instructor tell his students?
I’m only gonna show you this once…
Never insult an Italian Baker
He’ll beat the focaccia.
An Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman …
…don’t walk into a bar.
Old joke, but still pretty funny.
What’s gray and comes in quarts?
An elephant.
An elephant doesn’t come in quarts.
Have you ever seen an elephant come?
My ex wife claimed to be Monkees biggest fan. At first I didn’t believe her ‘’And then I saw her face’
I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins songs but ‘Take a look at me now’!!
I had my photo taken with the group REM. ‘’That’s me in the corner’’!
I thought I heard two onions singing a Bee-Gees song in my fridge. When I opened the door I realized it was the chives talking.
The Doctor told me I have Tom Jones Syndrome. I asked him ‘’Is it rare’’? He replied ‘’It’s not unusual’’!
I used to think I loved Joni Mitchell but it turns out ‘’I really don’t know love at all’’
Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit. ‘’It’s a little fit bunny’’.
A young man is wandering around the zoo, sees a young lady and instantly falls in love. He goes up, introduces himself, and hands here the bag of peanuts he just bought saying “I wish they were pearls.”
Well, it turns out that they hit it off, and eventually get married.
For their fiftieth wedding anniversary, they go back to the zoo where they met, and he gives her a gift of an expensive pearl necklace. As he hands the package to her he says “I wish they were peanuts.”
We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,
but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.
My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed.
I’ve been erased from her mammary.
My wife and I sometimes roleplay in the bedroom with me as a weatherman
I forecast 6+ inches lasting for a couple of hours. It ends up being less then 4” and is over in 2 minutes.
Love it! Actually quite deep.
``
A real stud
Father Benedict of Our Lady of the Mountains Catholic Church died after a long and fruitful pastoral career. When he got to heaven St Peter said,
“Father, in recognition of your lifetime of faithful service to the Lord and your church and to all your Parishioners, God has decided to let you go back to earth for one year being and doing anything you have ever wanted to be!”
“Great, I’ve always wanted to be a real stud!” Poof, back to earth he went.
Several months later St Peter asked one of the angels if anyone had any news about how Father Benedict was getting along.
One of the angels said,
“Last we heard he was on a snow tire somewhere in the Colorado Rockies!”
That’s actually part of the meeting of Helen Hayes and her future husband Charlie MacArthur:
"Helen Hayes described this scenario in the biographical book My Life in Three Acts , written with Katherine Hatch. Recalling the scene at a sparkling Manhattan party [in the 1920s] she tells the story this way: “I picked up a glass of sherry to fit in and retreated to a secluded niche. Twenty minutes later, a good-looking fellow with curly brown hair and sparkling green eyes came over, maybe because he felt sorry for me sitting there all alone. He held out a small paper bag. ‘Wanna peanut?’ he asked. ‘Thanks,’ I said. He poured a few in my hand and said, ‘I wish they were emeralds.’ Right then and there I fell in love.”
In 1945, returning from a sojourn in India, MacArthur dropped a sack of emeralds in her lap and said, “I wish they were peanuts.”
Street Seens: Peanuts and Emeralds - Love Story and Litmus Test - Woman Around Town https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/1990/05/07/helen-hayes-full-circle/bb3a0baf-50a9-4a4f-a007-bd3fd6f6c4f0/ AN APPRECIATION : Always a Lady: Helen Hayes and the Grand Style
This is only Monday, but I am sure this is the funniest thing I will hear all week! Thanks, Prof!
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
When we were little kids, this one had us laughing hysterically I remember:
A: If King Midas sat on gold, who sat on silver?
B: The Lone Ranger!
(Kids just have a different sense of humor 
.)
That’s right up there with:
Q: If a white house is made from white bricks and a red house is made from red bricks, what do you make a greenhouse from?
A: Glass.
And:
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry!
The funeral was held today for the man who invented air conditioning. Hundreds of fans attended.
The man who invented the ‘Hokey Pokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’………
The man who invented speedboats died on Monday. His funeral, tomorrow, will be followed by a wake.
One of the top pianists in the world died yesterday. His funeral will be low key.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Neil Diamond used to be known as Neil Coal, then the pressure got to him.