More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1252

I had a job offer in Newark, but I heard it’s dangerous…

So I called a friend of a friend who lives there. He said, “It has a bad reputation, but if you use basic caution and common sense, it can be a fun, vibrant place to live.”

I said, “Cool! By the way, what do you do there?”

He said, “I’m a tail gunner on a bread truck.”

I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza

I should have used aloha temperature.

In the past week, I went from agony to ecstasy.

At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary by the end of the month.

1253

I prefer this one of yours:

1254

I prefer
If you’re looking for sympathy, you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis

1255

How did Davy Crockett eat his pie?

a la mode (Alamo-ed)

Did you hear about the plane that crashed in a Slobbovian cemetery?

They’ve recovered 15,000 bodies so far.

Did you hear about the joint business venture between Japan and Slobbovia?

They’re miniaturizing dildos

How do you make pickle bread?

With dill dough (dildo)

1256

We gotta get covid under control. Next variant letter up is pi, and we all know that will go on forever.

1257

ISWYDT

1258

No joke — I just found out* this is basically why a pilot of a distressed aircraft tells ATC how many “souls” they have on board: so, if it crashes, rescuers will know when they can stop looking for victims who may be alive…”souls” rather than “people,” in case the plane is transporting one or more cadavers!

*cite: the serious and experienced MentourPilot

1259

I told my girlfriend “I am going to make you mine.”
She said “Lovely!”
I handed her a pickaxe.

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Iron Man is a superhero, whereas Iron Woman is an instruction.

The Autopsy club will meet on Friday for an ‘Open Mike’ night.

1260

The Queen’s Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan the Erudite lawyer, the King’s chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn’t have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.

1261

If a friend of yours mentions they’re looking for work:

“I heard there’s a job that pays $75 per hour for planting tulips.”
“Where?”
(point to groin) “Right here!”

1262

What has five toes but isn’t your foot?

My foot.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says: “I think we got this joke wrong”.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Give a man another fish and he will be, like, “fish, again?”

1263

A guy with 2 black eyes goes into a bar.
The barman says “what’s the story with the black eyes ?”
The guy says “Well, I was in church yesterday, and when we
stood up to sing the first hymn,I noticed that the scotsman in
the pew in front was wearing a kilt, and it was wedged up his
ass, so, being a helpful guy, I reached over and pulled it out - whereupon
the scotsman turned round and punched me in the eye”
The barman says “Ok, that explains one black eye - what about
the other one ?”
The guy says “well - after a while, we stood up to sing another
hymn, and again, the scotsman’s kilt was wedged up his ass. This
time, his wife noticed and she reached round and pulled it out.
Now I knew he didn’t like that - so I reached over and pushed it
back in …”

1264

Give a man a fire, he will be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life.

1265

Let the Scottish jokes begin!

This was one of my dear departed Scottish Grandma’s favorite jokes:

An old Scotsman is playing an intense round of golf. He’s getting ready to tee off at a location close to the road when a funeral procession goes by. He stops, removes his Scottish tam, places it against his heart, and solemnly faces the procession until it’s out of sight.

His caddy says, “sir, I’ve never seen anything distract you from your game!”

“Aye, but she was a good wife.”

(my Grandma told it better)

A Scotsman is out on the town with some friends having an epic night of drinking. While drunkenly staggering home, he passes out by the side of the road. Being a true Scotsman, he’s not wearing any underwear beneath his kilt, and it’s hiked up around his waist, displaying to the world what the good Lord gave him.

Early the next morning, a couple girls walk by, and start giggling when they see him, still passed out. One takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and carefully ties it around his haggis in a pretty bow.

An hour or so later, he wakes up and the first thing he does is relieve himself in a nearby alley, not yet noticing the ribbon. A constable walks by, sees him and says…

“Aye laddie, I don’t know what you were up to last night, but looks like you took first prize!”

1266
1267

I saw a girl crying,

so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.

Waiter: “How do you like your steak, sir?”

Sir: “Like winning an argument with my wife.”
Waiter: “Rare it is.”

I threw a ball for my dog…

It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

1268

Hehe, Thanks for sharing that. I think I’ve heard that song before, but I heard the spoken version of the joke first.

I went to the Youtube page of that video to see who performs the song, and this joke was in one of the comments. I’m posting it almost verbatim, except I reversed the order of the Irishman and the Scotsman; it just makes more sense that way since the Scots are stereotypically more, shall we say, ‘thrifty’…

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. They all order a pint of Guinness. Three flies all manage to land in the beers of the three patrons. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another one. The Irishman takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Scotsman takes the fly out of his glass, holds it over the beer and starts shaking him up and down, yelling “Spit it out ye bastard! Spit it out!”

1269

Now this next one would be a good joke for a priest or minister (any on these boards?)

So this very old bearded man is climbing a mountain to see God. And sure enough, when reaches the top he does.

‘I just have three questions,’ he says. ‘What are they, my son?’ God replies. ‘Is it true to you a million years is like a second?’ ‘That is true, my son.’ ‘And is it true a million dollars is like a penny?’ ‘That is also true, my son.’

‘In that case, may I have a penny?’ ‘Sure. In just one second.’

Suitable for a priest/minister, trying to warm up an audience, etc. as I said. :slightly_smiling_face:

1270

Reminds me of the joke circulating in the 50s when tickets to “My Fair Lady” were rarer than hen’s teeth and people would buy them months in advance.

A woman is sitting at a performance with an empty seat next to her. Some asks her about it and she explains that since they bought the tickets, her husband had died. “Oh, sorry to hear that but surely you have friends who would have enjoyed seeing.” “Of course”, she replies, “but they’re all at the funeral.”

1271

You could update it for Hamilton.