A couple of jokes for teasing someone. For the sake of illustration, suppose you want to tease your friend Bill. Your mutual friend is John.
John dies and goes to heaven. The saint says “We’re glad to have you here but first you have to do penance in order to get in.” He whistles to his assistants.
“Bring her out.” The angels bring out a really nasty looking woman. Her hair is crawling with lice, she has open sores, a runny nose, rotten teeth, etc. The saint says, “You have to make love to her for a week. Anything she wants…and she’s kinky.” Well, it’s unimaginably nasty but he realizes that he has to do it or burn in hell forever. So he does it and it’s awful, but he gets past it. Then about a week later he sees Bill making love to beautiful Emily Ratajkowski. He goes back to the saint and complains, “I had to make love to that awful woman for a week…I threw up every day! Now I see Bill with Emily Ratajkowski! What gives around here?!” The saint replies, even Emily Ratajkowski has to do penance."
John goes to heaven and they take him to his room. There’s a bed and a clock on the wall. John says, “OK I guess the bed is for sleeping but the clock? Do I have appointments or something?” The saint says “No, that’s not really a clock. Every time you play with yourself, the hands spin around the dial once.” John says, “Oh. Where’s Bill’s clock?” The saint replies, “Down in the office; we use it for a fan.” (Or: “Down in the marina. We use it for an outboard motor on the speedboat.”)
Seamus and Patrick were coming to America back in the '20s. They debated endlessly about the Afterlife. Seamus took ill and died. Being a steamer, he was buried at sea. His body was wrapped in canvas, and it was weighted down by the ship’s coal. As Seamus’s body was about to be committed to the deep, Patrick tells him, ‘I always knew where ye’d be going. But I didn’t know you had to take your own fuel!’
The devil meets a guy at the gates of Hell and says, “Welcome to Hell. You will spend all eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let’s get started.”
The devil opens the first door. The guy looks in and sees a couple people standing on their heads on a concrete floor. “No way am I spending eternity like that,” he says. “Let’s move on.”
The devil opens the second door, where a few people are standing on their heads on a wooden floor. “No way,” the guy says again. “Let’s move on.”
The devil opens the third door, and the guy sees a bunch of people standing knee deep in cow manure, drinking coffee. “Lesser of three evils,” he shrugs. “Ok, I’ll choose this one.”
“Fine,” says the devil. “Wait right here, and I’ll get you some coffee.”
The guy settles in with his coffee, thinking that this isn’t so bad.
Suddenly, a voice comes over the loudspeaker saying, “Coffee break’s over! Back on your heads!”
A real estate agent dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells him, “you’ve been good enough to qualify for Heaven, but we like to give everybody a choice. So you get a tour of Heaven and hell, then you can make an informed decision. But once you choose, you can’t change your mind.”
So he tours Heaven. He sees a lot of people in white robes lying around on clouds. Some are listlessly strumming harps. It’s peaceful, but seems kind of boring.
Then he does the hell tour. As soon as he walks in, he’s hit with a wonderful aroma of fresh-baked cookies. A server takes his drink order. There’s a table of delicious hors d’oeuvres he helps himself to. A band is expertly playing classic rock covers. There are a number of wide screen TVs playing various sporting events. Some people are playing on pool, ping-pong and fooseball tables, some are getting massages, others are sitting in plush easy chairs with a beer, just watching their favorite game.
So he reports back to St. Peter, “y’know, I think I’m going to go with hell”. St. Peter says “so be it”.
The next day he arrives for his first full day in hell. And it’s now a horrible place, full of fire and stinking of sulphur. All the fun stuff is gone. People are wailing and gnashing their teeth while they burn and are repeatedly stabbed with pitchforks by demons.
The devil himself comes up and says “hey, I like to meet all first arrivals in person. How do you like the place?”
He asks “What happened?” Yesterday this was a great place to hang out. Now it’s a nightmare straight out of Dante’s Inferno".
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment of bringing something to represent their religion. The first boy got in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David.” The second boy got in front of the class and said, “My name is Thomas and I am Catholic and this is the Crucifix.” The third boy got in front of the class and said, " My name is Johnny and I am Mormon and this is a casserole."
Yep, I think I originally heard the joke as just ‘generic software engineer’ and the punchline was demo version. The beauty of the joke is you can adapt it to any job or situation where there’s a ‘pitch vs. reality’ thing happening.
(Still, both are good jokes.)