Alternative punch line,
Elvis Presley says, “There’s just one problem, God’s got this girlfriend who sings…”
Heard on Quirks and Quarks this afternoon: Why are there pyramids in Egypt?
Because they are too big to fit in the British museum.
A man awakens from a coma.
His wife, changing out her black clothes, snarks “I can’t depend on you for anything, can I?”
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight
unless you’re prepared to deal with the Reaper cushions!
A man walks into an enchanted forest and starts to cut down a tree.
“Wait!” says the tree, “I’m a talking tree! You can’t cut ME down!”
“Sorry,” says the man, “you may be a talking tree, but you’ll dialogue.”
What do you call a pig on a leash? Pulled pork!
Patient: “Doctor! Doctor! Help me –
I cannot feel my legs!”
Doctor: “Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!”
What animal has five legs?
A pitbull returning from a playground.
Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!
I had to throw out a whole box of animal crackers. When I opened the box, I found that the seal was broken.
The inventor of auto-correct has died.
His funnel is tomato.
Why did the Mexican shoot his wife?
tequila.
Just found out that the Oscars is a big ol’ lie all the way along -
Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors!
85%of people in America don’t know basic math.
Thanks God I’m from the other 25%
Why is suicide illegal in China?
Destruction of government property
Marines are not allowed to die without the approval of their commanding officers!
Navy: Shut up and die like an aviator!
Back in the days before cars, horses were often the fastest way to get from A to B. In an emergency, time was critical and sometimes they even had to ride at night. But in the dark, it’s hard to see so someone devised a way to hang lanterns from the horses so that riders could see the road and carry out their mission. That’s how saddle light navigation was invented.
A classic from yesteryear…he autoreplaced some f*** with “love,” f***ing with “loving,” but some may still be in there. Nicely written. “Oh, the beemanity!”
That’s a ‘joke’? 
Yeah, that bee thing really hasn’t aged well.
Congratulations on your 65th birthday!
At last you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
Just the Rottweiler.
It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.
An American dog goes Woof,
a Czech dog goes Haf,
a Dutch dog goes Blaf
and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
I think it’s a mistake to call childbirth delivery.
It should be called takeout instead.
Have you tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing.
So I was digging in the garden and found a chest of gold.
I ran inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging.
It depends on your point of view.
Alternate answer posted by Prof.Pepperwinkle earlier this month:
Because seven is a registered six offender.