I thought the real joke was that football will still be played twenty years from now.
Bill Clinton
“Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.”
LBJ
“If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‘President Can’t Swim.’”
Abraham Lincoln (referring to a lawyer)
“He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met.”
Ronald Reagan
“Thomas Jefferson once said, ‘We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.’ And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.”
Barack Obama
“Who is Barack Obama? Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jor-El to save the Planet Earth.”
JFK, answering a little boy who asked how he became a war hero
“It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.”
Saw a made-up 18th century “yo mama so fat” joke, humorously attributed to George Washington:
“Thou matriarch is so abundant in waist, thy tailor has to breed two score of sheep to have wool enough to cover her.”
Well, he did grow enough hemp to keep the Pharcyde buzzin’.
The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB
are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.
The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit’s location but refuses to investigate.
The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there’s no rabbit.
The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams “OK I’m a rabbit!”
When I was a kid my mom used to say " Pardon my French" when she said any bad word.
I’ll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.
They think there’s a workers shortage now?
Wait until the kids we can’t afford to have don’t grow up.
After acting in the Star Trek movie, Ricardo Montalban couldn’t get any more rules. Nobody wanted to hire an ex-Khan.
“Do you know any jokes about sodium?”
“Na.”
That’s no joke. That’s the coming reality.
Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived?
Married couples
What did the ghost call her Mom and Dad?
Her transparents
A Roman senator
comes into the senate fifteen minutes late one day. Cicero is up front making a speech, so he creeps into his seat as quietly as possible and whispers to the guy next to him, “what’s he talking about?” The guy replies, “I don’t know, he hasn’t gotten to the verb.”
While walking into work,
a man noticed a homeless man sitting on a curb near his office. He handed him a dollar. While leaving work, the same man noticed a homeless woman sitting on the same curb. He handed her 82 cents.
So I’m chatting to this 14 year old on the Internet…
She is funny, flirty, sexy and intelligent and now she’s telling me she’s an undercover cop. How cool is that at her age!
Convicts, at least, get time off for good behavior.
This brings back memories… 
What’s the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog?
With a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside
Married people get released for bad behavior.
Did someone say mother jokes? I love those! Here’s a couple to try when the time is ripe:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Joe
Joe who?
Joe momma!
Here’s a less insulting version (as the situation requires):
Knock knock
Whose there?
Tojo
Tojo who?
Tojo momma!
Here’s another good one, though technically not a knock-knock joke:
Did you hear? Nacho won a beauty contest.
Nacho who?
I don’t know. But she was nacho momma, I can tell you that right now!
LOL
I laughed out loud at that one! 
This is a Place-holder post
I teach demographics and human geography to undergrads, and this joke is actually really deep! The “demographic burden” — South Korea leading the way, but we’re all headed in that direction. Thank goodness the US welcomes immigrants (usually!).
Okay, back to your regularly scheduled joke thread…
(ETA: I see Hari Seldon observed the same.)
He would, wouldn’t he?
Oldest Recorded Joke (Sumeria, circa1900 BCE)
Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.
Oldest joke?
“Here, pull finger.”