Just spoke to Bill Withers and told him, “Ain’t no sunshine” is bad grammar.
He said, “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know”
A Texas Aggie, a Baylor Bear and a University of Texas Longhorn happen to be on the same plane which goes down killing everyone aboard.
When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them with a question they must answer correctly in order to gain entrance to Paradise.
“What is the meaning of Easter?” St. Pete asks them
The University of Texas student raises his hand. “I know this one. I used to attend church with my folks back home before I came to The University.”
“Go ahead,” St. Peter said.
“Easter is when the pilgrims came to the New World. They learned how to raise crops and celebrated the harvest season with the Indians,” the UT kid said.
“I’ll get back to you,” St. Peter said to him. “Stand over there.”
“Choose me,” the Baylor Bear said.
“You have the floor. Tell me the meaning of Easter.”
“I know this,” the boy said. “I grew up in the First Baptist Church.”
“You should know the answer, for sure,” St. Pete said.
“Okay. Easter is when the wise men came and brought presents for the baby Jesus. It is when Christians celebrate his birth by exchanging gifts with their family and friends.”
“I’ll get back to you,” St. Peter said. “Stand over there with the kid from UT.”
Finally, the Texas A&M Aggie spoke.
“I know the answer,” he said.
“Okay. Let’s have it,” St. Pete said.
“Easter is when Jesus rose from the dead. He was crucified on Good Friday, placed in a borrowed tomb and was resurrected on the third day, which was Easter morning,” the Aggie said.
St. Peter looked at the Aggie, amazed that he knew the answer. Just before he motioned him through the entrance to heaven, he heard the Aggie add one more thing.
“And if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter….”
What is that supposed to mean?
I took it as a riff on someone named Hari Seldon predicting the future.
That’s what I intended.
Hari Seldon, predicting the fall of civilization, and all that.
A Texas Aggie was talking to his roommate about spring break and said that he didn’t know what he was going to do that week. When the roommate suggested a cruise and he replied that he couldn’t afford a cruise, the roommate said that he saw a flier on the bulletin board in one of the classroom buildings about an inexpensive cruise.
So the Aggie went to that building and found the flier. Sure enough, an All-Aggie Spring Break Cruise that would last a week for $200. So the Aggie called them up, got the details, and then sent them the money for the cruise. A few days later he got a letter back with his tickets and telling him the time and place to show up.
So on the first Saturday of spring break, he was walking down the pier in Galveston with a couple of suitcases looking for the cruise. A big, burly guy walks up to him and he shows the guy his ticket. The big burly guy grabs him, throws him into a Viking long boat, jumps in, and chains him to a seat at an oar. He then kicks the suitcases into the water.
When the boat was filled with two Aggies at each oar on each side of the boat, the burly guy says "Every time the drummer beats his drum, you row. Boom. Row. Boom Row. If you don’t row, the guy back there with a whip will whip you until you do row.
So they pushed off the dock and the drummer beat the drum and they all rowed. Boom. Row. Boom Row. This goes on all day, all night, and so on. A week later they are get back into Galveston and pull up to the pier. The big burly guy is waiting for them and he jumps in and starts unshackling everyone from their bench.
The Aggie turned to the Aggie next to him and says, “I’m new at cruising. Are we supposed to tip the drummer?”
The Aggie next to him answers, “I’m not sure, but we did last year.”
As long as we’re talking about Aggies…
An Aggie showed up at the local livestock store and told the proprietor that he decided he wanted to be a chicken farmer and needed to buy some baby chicks. So the owner sold him fifty chicks, wished him good luck, and sent him on his way.
Two weeks later, the Aggie shows up again, and tells the owner that those fifty chicks all died and he needed to buy fifty more. So, again, the owner sells him fifty chicks, wishes him good luck and sends him on his way.
Sure enough, two weeks later the Aggie shows up again with the same tale of woe and asks for fifty more chicks. The proprietor says “You know, I’ll sell you all the chicks you want, but do you know why all the chicks are dying?” The Aggie answers “Well, I’m not sure. I think that I’m either planting them too deep or giving them too much water.”
Renaissance yo’ momma jokes:
I’faith, If thy mother were a side of beef I could not buy the half afore I should be a pauper, nor carry her home for the saving of my back.
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Thy mother is so corpulent that Galileo hath pronounced heresies concerning her place in ye heavenly spheres.
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Verily, thy mother cannot bathe in the sea, lest she be claimed by Spain as an island!
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “What? They gave me a chihuahua?”
Tom Brady died.
When he got to Heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window.
“This house is yours for eternity, Tom”, said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”
Tom felt special and walked up to his house. On his way to the porch, he noticed another house.
It was a 3-story mansion with a Black and Gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Steeler flag, and in every window, a Terrible Towel hung.
Tom looked at God and said, “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but, why does Ben Roethlisberger get a better house than me?”
God chuckled, and said “Tom, that’s not Ben’s house, it’s mine.”
what is brown and sticky?
a stick.
NPR Yo’ Momma Jokes:
Yo’ momma’s so dumb, she sends furniture polish to a pledge drive!
Yo’ momma got so little class, she’s been declared a Marxist utopia!
Yo’ momma’s so stupid, she’s just been awarded a MacArthur Dumbass Grant!
Does this count as cultural appropriation?
Did you hear about the Aggie who moved to Oklahoma? He raised the average IQ of both states.
That one is usually told by Longhorn alumni during OU Weekend(The Red River Shootout)
From Cochrane’s post:
Oldest joke?
“Here, pull finger.”
Or “push the button” (the belly button).
There are some Russian soldiers marching
They hear a voice shout from over a hill,
“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”
The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,
“I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 100 Russians!”
The sergeant, getting more annoyed now, decided to send some of his men over, to finish this Ukrainian off.
After a while of noise and bangs, no Russian soldiers came back, and the voice shouted again,
“I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 1000 Russians!”
The sergeant, thinking that 1 soldier could not possibly beat 1000, sent his troops over.
Again, there was lots of noise, but then, silence.
1 Russian soldier returned this time, bloody and bruised, barely walking. The soldier said:
“Don’t send any more men over; there’s actually 2 Ukrainians.”
The doctor told me I had only six months to live,
so I shot him dead. The judge gave me fifteen years.
Problem solved.
Why does 10 suffer from PTSD?
Because the poor son of a bitch was right in the middle of 9/11.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
DUUUUUNNNNNG
Q. What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A. Dr. Dre
Bonus Snoop joke:
Q. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
A. Fo’ drizzle.
Pete Davidson
looks like I imagine Beetlejuice looking when he was alive.
Someone called Country Music
“Farm Emo”, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
A Greek cow.
A Gr-
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Marriage is a three-ring circus.
First comes the engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring.
Then comes the suffering.
(Lou Costello)