You: I have a knock-knock joke for you.
Friend: Alright.
You: Okay, you start.
Friend: Knock-knock
You: Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, it’s “to whom”.
Marriage isn’t a word - it’s a sentence.
Marriage is grand.
Divorce is a hundred grand.
I married Mrs. Right.
Mrs. Always Right.
Why is President Zelensky still in Kiev?
His humongous balls keep getting stuck in the doorway.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because -0.8959441701 [Cos(789)]
Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor nightclub,
was not a bouncer.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
~Rodney Dangerfield.
More Rodney here.
Seems like he had another one where a guy asked him if he had any naked pictures of his wife. “I told him no. He said, wanna buy some?”
Q. How does Snoop Dogg like his steaks?
A. Ta’ sizzle.
Then there’s that motorist who taunted a Russian tank crew that had run out of fuel. ‘Can I tow you back… To Russia?’
“In Russia we have Russian Express—‘Don’t Leave Home!’”
and
“They made me feel at home in Cleveland…so I had to escape again.”
From Fiddler on the Roof:
Townsperson: Rabbi, is there a prayer for the Tsar?
Rabbi. Of course there’s a prayer for the Tsar. “Oh Lord, bless and keep the Tsar… far away from us.”
Putin says the Russian forces are in Ukraine for “Peacekeeping”:
or, as we call it in the USA, “Legitimate Political Discourse”.
Another version of the “parachutes” joke:
Putin, Biden, and Zelenskyy are on a plane that starts sputtering and losing altitude. They find that there are only two parachutes.
Putin immediately grabs a parachute and bails out.
Biden looks at Zelenskyy and says, “Under the circustances, your country needs you more than my country needs me. You take the last parachute.”
Zelenskyy sees that there is no arguing Biden out of this, and bails out with the second parachute.
The plane then levels off and flies right, no longer weighted down by Zelenskyy’s balls.
My mother (Polish) used to say this was the only Polish joke she liked:
Q. How does one Pole find another Pole in the dark?
A. Wonderful
How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?
One. No, two. No, four. No, eight…
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders minced pork shoulder and ham, pressed it into a block and served in a can.
POST REMOVED
Rule 3 - No Spam posts.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy…
That we have health insurance.
Also, when 7 8 9, he witnessed the whole thing.
I went to see a topless ventriloquist act. Never saw her lips move.
Found on Reddit but probably originally from someplace else:
poster 1 - you are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos
poster 2 - This is the most hopeful thing I’ve ever read.
poster 3 - what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos
poster 4 - then tomorrow is nacho lucky day
From Facebook:
In 1978 astrophysicist Brian May postulated that the Earth’s rotation was due to “Fat Bottomed Girls.” After more than 40 years without being disproven, refuted, or really even seriously questioned, this must now be considered scientific fact.