Another ‘writing on the urinal wall’ story.
Written out in a neat hand: “My mother made me a homosexual.”
Scrawled underneath: “If I give her the wool, will she make me one?”
The version I heard was that he could speak two words every 10 years.
After the first ten years, he said “Bed hard.”
After twenty years, he said “Food cold.”
After thirty years, he said “I quit.”
To which the head monk replied "I think that’s for the best. You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
Jokes relying on supposed ethnic dialect always make me flinch a little.
Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?
You have got the carownervirus.
So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.
“Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender.” says Putin’s secretary.
Putin sits up on his bed and says: “Great, give me my phone, I’ll call Zelinsky.”
The secretary answers: “That won’t be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave us an hour.”
What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow?
A stern letter from the ethics committee and an immediate cessation of funding.
I’ve heard many people from the South who pronounce 'r’s as ‘ah’. (And I saw a woman from Georgia in a documentary who pronounced ‘war’ as ‘WO-wah’.)
Not to make you flinch, but here’s another one. (I hope I haven’t posted it already.)
An Englishman goes to an American diner and orders the soup of the day. When it arrives he takes one look at it and says, ‘Good lord! What is this?’ The waitress says, ‘It’s bean soup.’ The Englishman says, ‘I don’t care what it’s been. What is it now?’
I don’t think either the English or the Americans have spent hundreds of years trying to destroy the other.
Context matters.
I think you’re reading too much into it. It’s a pun on toupee/teepee.
I know.
Reminds me of an extremely disturbing scene from The Happytime Murders. I will never be able to unhear that MOOOOOOOOOOO.
I wonder if we could avoid telling jokes to those who may object to them by describing, then spoilering them.
Example: the following joke involves a sex act, anatomy, potentially a “gross out” joke. (Since it involves sex, is that automatically NSFW?)
After reading the description the reader can decide to read it or skip it (by not unspoilering it).
How do you know if you’re a good pussy eater? You check the mirror the next morning and your face looks like a glazed doughnut.
I suggest we heave two threads, for “clean” and “dirty” jokes. That last one (spoiler warnings or not) just didn’t fit in with the general tone of this thread (I’ll let others opine on its mod-worthiness).
Plus it wasn’t funny. I guess I’ll just stop reading this thread.
Agree it wasn’t funny. Yet hardly the first unfunny joke in a thread with many good ones. I’m not going to stop reading, (and I don’t mind “dirty jokes,” but poster discretion is advised so we don’t have crude yet worthless jokes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scream.
Scream who?
WWWWHHHHHOOOOO!!!
Two little boys were known troublemakers,
stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?” The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?” The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?” The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
Me: Siri, where is the best place to hide a body?
Siri: The second page of a Google search.
(Just read on Facebook…)
You know Einstein once proposed a theory on space.
And it was about time too.
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.
The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. “There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?”
“It’s simple,” John says, “I lied to her about my age.”
“Did you tell her you were 50?” his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
“There is no way she could believe you were 40”. John shakes his head again.
“So how old did you tell her you were exactly??”
John smiles and says “85”.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s one menu: You get what you deserve
I visited my friend at his new house.
He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Pete Barbutti told it first.
There’s this really funny Ann Landers joke about a dog named sex. But I don’t know if the text is copyrighted. So I will just leave a LINK. Enjoy! 
Your link doesn’t go to the joke, but if it’s the same joke as I posted jere before, I’ll just repost it.
It does for me.