This is where the link takes me:
Stolen from FB:
An American on holiday in Spain at a small local restaurant is trying to decide what to order when he notices the table next to him tucking into a large dish of these two huge meat balls which he likes the look of and asks the waiter if he could order the same? ‘ I’m sorry sir but that is a delicacy from today’s bullfight, the bulls testicles and as there is only one bullfight a day that is the only meatball dish tonight but if you call again tomorrow early I’m sure we can save you the dish’. So the American orders an alternative and agrees to come back tomorrow.
The next evening the American as agreed arrives early and orders the meatball dish which is duly cooked and served. The waiter checks with the customer that all is well and he is enjoying his meal, the American replies ‘ Yes very much so but I can’t help noticing it is a much smaller portion than he saw last nights diners enjoying?’
With which the waiter replies ‘ Sorry sir but sometimes the bull wins’
Q. Why don’t anteaters get sick?
A. They’re full of antie-bodies.
…
A woman went to the bank to arrange for a loan.
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” the teller told her, “but the loan arranger is out to lunch.”
“That’s O.K.,” said the woman. “Can I speak to Tonto?”
I never order shrimp-fried rice.
Call me old fashioned, but I like my food to be prepared by a human.
Driving through a blizzard with my dad
At the peak of the snow and ice he got out of the car and put two frozen snakes on the windshield. I asked him what he supposed that would do to help and he said “What’s wrong, son, never heard of wind-chilled vipers?”
4 Engineers get in a car and the AC isn’t working.
The mechanical engineer says, “the belt fan motor must not be working.”
The electrical engineer says, “the fuse might be blown.”
The chemical engineer says, “impurities in the gasoline.”
The IT engineer says, “have you tried turning it off and on”
(I LOVE THIS NEXT ONE, BECAUSE THEY ARE ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETINS. WE’RE NOT GOING TO HELL FOR READING THIS, ARE WE 
?)
“If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.”
“The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.”
“Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.”
“Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.”
“The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.”
“Maundy Thursday service: The ladies of the altar guild will be stripping on the altar.”
“The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.’”
“This evening at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”
“Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.”
“The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.”
“The ‘Over 60s Choir’ will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.”
“Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community.”
“Church office will be closed Monday. Halleluia. Halleluia.”
“A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.”
“The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.”
“A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, also a short antidote for it.”
“At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What is hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”
“Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.”
“Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.”
“Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.”
“Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.”
“Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man.”
“Announcement to the Moms Who Care ladies group: There will be no Moms who care this week.”
“Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.”
“Thank you Steve, who once again has worked hard to clean the pastor off the basement floor.”
“After the sermon: A moment of silence for prayer and medication.”
“Visitors are asked to sing their names at the church entrance.”
“The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.”
“Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping.”
“The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.”
“Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.”
“Ushers will swat the latecomers.”
“The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.”
“The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.”
“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a great chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
“The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.”
“It’s Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.”
“Great news! Doctors have performed a CAT scan on Pastor McLaren’s head and report that they have found nothing!”
“Please sigh during offering.”
“The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Ralph Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.”
“When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.”
“Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.”
“Men’s Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.”
“If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.”
“The sermon this morning: ‘Contemporary Issues #3 - Euthanasia.’ The closing song: ‘Take My Life.’”
“For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.”
“Bilingual Chicken Dinner this Sunday at Noon.”
“The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.”
“There has never been a better time to invite your fiends to church.”
“During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.”
“The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.”
“Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.”
So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:
“You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it’s the best dock in town! But do they call me “McGregor the dock builder”? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me “McGregor the bridge builder”? No! And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me “McGregor the pier builder”? No!”
The old guy looks around, and makes sure that nobody is listening, and leans to the man, and he says:
“but you fuck one sheep…”
A reporter runs into his editor’s office. “Chief! I have bad news and good news.” The editor says “Gimme the bad news.” “Aliens have landed!” says the reporter. “Okay, then what’s the good news?” “They eat politicians and piss gasoline.”
Some of those church bulletin entries just might have been intentional.
If I saw that my church was hosting a bilingual chicken dinner, for instance, my only wonder would be whether the second language was Irish, Spanish, Swahili, or Croatian.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words before he died…
“Stop shaking the ladder!”
They recently found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.
They think it was Pharaoh Rocher.
Well, after spending all day worrying about a food shortage at the annual spoonerism contest…
it turns out it was just a lack of pies!
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather
not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car
Last night I slept like a baby.
Yeah, I woke up every three hours crying hysterically.
Actually, it was the pharaoh Amun Re’s sister, Amun Joy.
In any case, sometimes you feel like eating it with the sky goddess, and sometimes you don’t.
Which is why they were buried in pyramids instead of Mounds.
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!?
Are you two twins?
No, why do you ask?
Because Mommy dressed you both in the same clothes.
OK, that’s enough, your driver’s license please.
Two clairvoyants meet.
One says to the other: “You are fine, and how am I?
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Astronaut: The bottom half of the glass is empty.
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Engineer: The glass is twice as large as it should be
Have you ever noticed that we have Pop Tarts but not Mom Tarts? Just another example of women being oppressed by the pastry-archy.
Last night I slept like a log.
I may be an ingrate but that fireplace was pretty uncomfortable, I have to say.
I believe the source of that is George Carlin. This is altered a little, but the same concept. Just giving credit where credit is due.