Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Jimmy McMillan: The Rim is Too Damn High!
No, no, no. The engineer says the glass has a safety factor of 1.
Either way, it’s half a glass of vodka. Cheers!
Awesome!
Love it!
My biology teacher asked me to make a diagram of bacteria.
When he questioned why I submitted a blank piece of paper, I told him : “it only appears blank because its invisible to the naked eye”
How do you tell the difference between a math teacher and an English teacher?
Ask them to define “hyperbolic”.
Why couldn’t the teacher fart In front of her class?
Because she was a private tutor
Inspired by the above:
How do you tell the difference between a Chemistry professor and a Labor Studies professor?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized”.
My fitness instructor asked what kind of squat I was accustomed to doing.
I told him, ‘Diddly.’
Quotes of the Day
Truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.
- Flannery O’Connor
It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they’ve been fooled.
- Mark Twain
You started it.
- Karma
Played a Pro-Am round with Tiger Woods. He invited me to dinner afterwards. I accepted on one condition:
I do the driving
It was our 25th wedding anniversary the other day and the wife said to me “Did you know i wore this on our first date and it still fits me”…
I said “Its a scarf”…
The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.
Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
A manometer walks into a barometer…
And the barometer says, “Sorry, we’re closed!”
Quotes of the Day
I am not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
- Steve Carrell
Don’t take life too seriously. You’re not gonna get out of it alive.
- Walt Kelly
Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one.
- Spike Milligan
Love it. You could also ask them what indefinite article goes with the word.
Most people call it grave robbing…
I prefer to call it crypto-currency
Every morning at breakfast for the past year 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
Baseball is a lie!
A man with four balls cannot walk.
Quotes of the Day:
Why can’t everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
- Jimmy Durante
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
- Thomas Sowell
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Katherine Hepburn
Word
(When I was a kid, we used to have gross out jokes. The point I think was to gross out the adults. I recall the following one hit that mark a couple of times 
.)
Diarrhea! Poot! Poot!
Diarrhea! Poot! Poot!
You can eat it with a spoon. You can eat it on the Moon.
Some people think it’s gross. You can eat it on toast.
(And when someone said something that wasn’t really funny [like the aforementioned ?], we kids would say…)
So funny I forgot to laugh.
I believe it was Ed Bluestone in National Lampoon who wrote:
There was an old lady from Cork
Who liked to eat shit with a fork.
Her son said, ‘You goon!
You eat shit with a spoon!
It’s pork that you eat with a fork!’
My childhood featured
Diarrhea!
No sweat, no pain
Just sit, let it drain
Diarrhea!
Look! It’s Grandma!
Have you ever thought about the fact that if self-driving cars become the norm when people have heart attacks it won’t cause accidents? Corpses will just arrive at their destinations and sit there until somebody notices.
I just found out
Albert Einstein was a real person!
All this time I thought he was just a theoretical physicist.
My mind is like an internet browser:
17 tabs are open, 4 are frozen, and I can’t figure out where the music is coming from.
Dialogue:
Inventor of the Clock: There will be twelve numbers on it.
Friend: Ah! So, the day will be divided in twelve segments.
Inventor: No, 24.
Friend: Oh. And the day starts at 1.
Inventor: No, it starts at 12, which is at night.
Friend: …
Inventor: And the 6 stands for 30.
The fact that jellyfish
have lived 750 million years despite having no brains gives hope to a great many people.
Brain cells die.
Skin cells die.
Even hair cells die.
But Fat Cells must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior because they seem to have eternal life.