In New York there’s a man robbed every three minutes.
And he’s getting sick of it!
(Partly inspired by an old SNL skit. 
.)
Eventually, cars will be self-refueling. So cars with a dead occupant will just drive around for months or YEARS until the bank account runs out…
It has three hands. The first hand is the hour hand, the second hand is the minute hand, and the third hand is the second hand.
Quotes of the Day:
I’m obsessively opposed to the typical.
- Lady Gaga
When everything gets answered, it’s fake.
- Sean Penn
We humans are naturally disposed to worship gods and heroes, to build our pantheons and valhallas. I would rather see that impulse directed into the adoration of daft singers, thicko footballers and air-headed screen actors than into the veneration of dogmatic zealots, fanatical preachers, militant politicians and rabid cultural commentators.
- Stephen Fry
A theory that explains everything, explains nothing - Karl Popper
A man stopped at a bar. He saw an elderly man fishing in a small puddle in front.
Interested, the man invited the elderly man into the bar and said, “Let me buy you a drink.”
Inside he asked, “What were you doing out there?”
“Fishing.”
“How much did you catch?”
“You are the seventh person.”
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The sockets go with the house.
At the end of the physics lecture,
I asked the professor: “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No Time.”
Quotes of the Day:
Celebrity is the chastisement of merit and the punishment of talent.
- Emily Dickinson
I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.
- Calvin (Bill Waterson)
To be is to do - Socrates
To do is to be - Sartre
Do Be Do Be Do - Sinatra
- Kurt Vonnegut
“Mummy, Mummy. Can I have a straw?”
“What for?”
The dog was sick and I’ve eaten all the lumpy bits."
“Mummy, Mummy,” Susan got run over by a steam roller."
“Oh well, just slide her under the door.”
We did that, too. Some of them I still don’t understand to this day.
What is funny is to hear a kid telling a joke that he obviously has no clue about what it means. Once when I was a second grader or so, I asked my school bus driver this riddle:
What is six inches long, has nuts, and makes women fat?
The school bus driver turned beet red and all the older kids on the bus were laughing hard.
The answer: An Almond Joy
Those are ancient.
Here’s one supposed to be from the 10th century:
What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?
Answer: A key
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
Preacher Bob liked to coordinate his message with the choir every Sunday…
They met one week and Preacher Bob said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of steadfastness in our service to God. What hymn should we sing?”
Miss Bertha piped up, “I Shall Not Be Moved!”
They met the next week and Preacher Bob said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this Sunday on the topic of tithes and gladness in giving to the Lord. What hymn should we sing?”
Quentin McFarland raised his hand and said, “Jesus Paid It All.”
They met again a week after and Preacher Bob said, “Brothers and sisters, I’ll be preaching this week on the evils of fornication. What hymn should we sing?”
Back in the back row, old Zachariah Peabody sighed fondly, “Precious Memories.”
For Palm Sunday Sister Agnes wanted to bring a lovely bouquet of anemones.
However, the sanctuary was already decorated with palm branches. The pastor said, “With fronds like these, who needs anemones?”
When I was in the Army one of the privates in my company had a last name of “Love.” He was called “Private L.”
This is almost certainly true. I read one article about a driver who (apparently) felt chest pains or something else wrong, pulled over to the side of the road, and died. Nobody checked on that car by the side of the highway for hours.
From A Prairie Home Companion:
How to avoid bad knock-knock jokes:
I once heard Spock actually make a joke once. He said, “Uranus is very gassy!”
He really did too, in an audio play. Couldn’t find the entire thing but here’s part of it on youtube:
I’m still impressed how well my mother explained a joke to me when i was little. The joke:
Why is a blonde so quiet in bed? Because her mother taught her not to speak with her mouth full.
My mum said it means the blonde is very naughty and eats snacks in bed, which made perfect sense to me at the time.
Quotes of the Day:
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
- Mitch Hedberg
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
- Don Marquis
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
- A. A. Milne
“Happy birthday, grandma! 69 today?”
“No, not today. Grandpa threw his back out.”
A soldier, who was decorated for his war wounds, was going door-to-door to collect for veterans’ services.
He rang the bell where two elderly sisters lived.
One said to the other, “Sister, there’s a soldier here with a Purple Heart on.”
The other replied, “I don’t care what color it is, let him in.”
To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.
That’s the bear minimum.
People who can’t differentiate between …
…entomology and etymology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
How is Oedipus like Robin Hood?
He’s the Prince of Thebes.
BRAVO! 
Yeah, that one’s worth stealing. 
