More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1832

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

Deadpool texts Wolverine.

Deadpool: Is that chick who can walk through walls still around?

Wolverine: Kitty? She’s kinda dead right now.

D: Damn. What about the blue guy that at teleports?

W: Kurt’s dead too.

D: How about Jean? She moves stuff with her mind right?

W: You locked your keys in your car again, didn’t you?

D: No… Err… Yes.

So today I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

That’s when I realized my life’s a joke.

1833

Quotes of the Day:

Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty.

  • Doris Day

The ant is knowing and wise, but he doesn’t know enough to take a vacation.

  • Clarence Day

No one learns more about a problem than the person at the bottom.

  • Justice Sandra Day O’Connor
1834

What’s the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it’ll die.

1835

There’s a parable about that…

1836

That bizarre moment

when you pick up your car from the garage and you realize that the brakes are still not working, but they made your horn louder.

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings,

“Well, Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband:

“My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

1837

Sounds like your life is 3 jokes to me !

1838

That reminds me of the ‘Sex, Death, & Nudity’ episode of Coupling. Vain ‘Sally’ is talking to an elderly woman at a funeral, and the elderly woman keeps needling her about mortality. (This is also the episode with Jeff’s ‘Giggle Loop’ bit.)

1839

Not to worry. There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke.

1840

Quotes of the Day:

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

  • Dave Barry

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

  • Lewis Grizzard

How did I come into the world? Why was I not consulted? And if I am compelled to take part in it, where is the director? I want to see him.

  • Soren Kierkegaard

The most salient feature of existence is the unthinkable odds against it. For every way that there is of being here, there are an infinity of ways of not being here. Statistics declare us ridiculous. Thermodynamics prohibits us. Life, by any reasonable measure, is impossible.

  • Richard Powers

Have you ever noticed that life, real honest-to-goodness life, with murders and catastrophes and fabulous inheritances, happens almost exclusively in the newspapers?

  • Jean Anouilh

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: “I am with you, kid. Let’s go!”

  • Maya Angelou

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial lemons and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

  • Alfred E. Newman
1841

Son: “Dad, Am I adopted”?

Dad: “Not yet. We still haven’t found anyone who wants you.”

My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

“Barkeep!”, he says, “A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there.”

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amused, goes back to the bar

“Barkeep! I want to order a second round for everyone but him, and this time make it all top shelf”.

Nazi looks again at the Jew, sees him STILL smiling back.

“Is that Jew an idiot or what?”

Bartender responds: “Oh no, my friend, that’s the owner.”

1842

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home.

I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face.

Seriously, my parents are the worst.

Due to smugness I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream…

I can’t wait to rub it in…

My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I, proudly and confidently, told her that he was just a poor boy from a poor family.

Why do British people keep winning in chess

Because their queen can’t die.

1843

I tried to get into a trendy New York nightclub last night.

The doorman said to me,
“Sorry mate, you’ve had too many”.
I replied, “What, drinks?”
He said, “No, birthdays!”

When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

I have a statistics joke, but it’s not significant.

I have a regression joke, but it sounds quite mean.
I have a machine learning joke, but it is not performing as well on a new audience.
I have a joke about deep learning but I can’t explain it.
I have a geography joke, but I don’t know where it is.

1844

I have a flying saucer joke, but it would go over your head.

1845

I’ve got an apathy joke

1846

What words am I spelling out for you?

M-A-C-D-O-N-A-L-D

M-A-C-B-R-I-D-E

M-A-C-H-I-N-E

:wink: :slightly_smiling_face:

1847

Are lawyer jokes okay?

A lawyer walks into a doctor’s office with a toad on his head. ‘How may I help you?’ ‘Yeah,’ the toad replies. ‘Could you get this disgusting wart off my ass?’

What do you call ten lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? A good start!

What do you need when you have 10 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? More sand!

1848

I’ve been herring good fins about you.
From who…Marlin Brando? Tuna Turner? Travis Trout?
Salmon chanted evening, you will meet a stranger.
Shaddap! You’re giving me a haddock.
Whale, whale. So see a sturgeon.
These puns sure are crappie!
Oh, quit carping!

Gunnar Johnson 99%

1849

MacDonald, MacBride, Machine?

Are we supposed to pronounce the last as ‘Mac-Hine’? :confused:

1850

@Johnny_L.A Yes.

1851

I have a similar one.

Pronounce:

T-W-A
T-W-E
T-W-I
T-W-O
T-W-U