The French are a curious race, they fight with their feet and fəck with their face.
(From SNL’s ‘Wayne’s World’…)
Une rectume dit quoi.
Quoi??
Une rectume dit quoi.
Quoi??
Une rectume dit quoi.
Quoi??
Exactement!
A fly feels a bug on its back!
“Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?”, it asks
“I mite be”, giggles the mite
“That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard”, groans the fly
“What do you expect?”, says the mite. “I came up with it on the fly.”
A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table
She opens it and reads:
"My Dear Wife,
you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I’m very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don’t be upset, I shall be back before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18.
You, being a successful businessman with excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18…"
What do you call a number that can’t sit still?
A roamin’ numeral
Seen on Facebook…it won’t let me embed the PNG, so check the source if you wish to see it written as an equation (Leigh Mercer - Wikipedia)
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more.
Exception that proves the rule!
Aunt Millie’s secret recipe has been stolen by Sara Lee’s brother.
Alleged Lee.
There was a power cut at the supermarket today…
Two Baldavians were stuck on the escalator for hours.
I saw a great movie about databases today.
I can’t wait for the SQL.
Quotes of the Day:
All by Gilbert Gottfried
At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table?.. See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, “You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.”
Sometimes I’d sit and talk to Nostradamus and he’d just sit there go, “I know. I know.” Once I went to movies with Nostradamus. I said, “Boy, what did you think of that ending?” He goes, “What? You didn’t see that coming?”
A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says “I’ve got bad news, you’ve got cancer and Alzheimers.” The man goes “Thank god I don’t have cancer.”
What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know-it-all.
I’ve always felt sorry for Jesus 'cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.
Good one. Reminds me of a couple programmer jokes…
Why did the computer programmer stay in the shower for several days?
He read the instructions on the shampoo bottle: lather, rinse, repeat.
Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
When we were kids, our dad got us with
R-O-U-G-H
T-O-U-G-H
D-O-U-G-H
One of my sisters said, “I know, doof!” 
Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge!
‘Don’t be silly’ says the Doctor ‘What’s come over you?’
‘So far this morning, six cars, a tractor and a mini bus’ replies the patient.
I used to be an adventurer until I went to Antarctica
That’s when things went south
Knock knock
(sorry to keep you waiting - i was in the shower.)
Who’s there ?
Fortification.
Fortification who?
Fortification, we’re going to Miami.
Knock knock!
Well done.
Derby hat.
Heard it on A Prairie Home Companion.
I swear, at one point, I knew the logic behind this punchline.
(Lil’ help?)
Derby hat who?