My butthole hurts

This isn’t medical advice or anything. I just started a combination of new things that might lead the butthole (or sphincter, I’m not sure which is more immature) to sort of sting. Basically, my chocolate furnace is sore, and I’m not sure why. It’s not a bad kind of hurt, necessarily, just sort of like a hurt that my arms feel after lifting weights. Nothing painful, but I suspect ol’ brown eye might be bulking up for some Olympic sport I’m only vaguely aware of, like curling.

Does curling really put a hurt on the stank tank? Maybe there are Canadians who could chime in here, eh?

I wouldn’t normally complain about something this mundane–it’s not in my nature, see–but when I’m going to drop the Browns off at the super bowl, I’d appreciate the comfortable feeling of an easy delivery I’m so used to.

Two hings that might contribute:

  1. I just got a new job working in a kitchen. I have to keep a wood-burning oven stoked for about 7 hours of the day, while making pizzas, all standing up and moving around. Maybe all that standing is pushing the limits?
  2. I took up running, recently. I’ve started running a couple of miles a day.

So, guys? Any ideas on what might be stretching the limits in brown town?

“A common cause of hemorrhoids is simply the standing position,” in which all the blood above the rectum exerts pressure on the rectal and anal areas.

Welcome to the Club. :smiley:

:eek:

There’s a hemorrhoids club? God, I hope there aren’t any union dues.

No, but Tuesday night meetings are mandatory and bringing a donut cushion is recommended.

By far the most common cause of a stretch of the ground round is a roommate or neighbors nocturnal voyages. I would look for ether bottles in the belongings of anyone you might suspect of such a thing or perhaps a mix of innocuous looking sedatives and some little blue pills. The easiest way to address this is to set up a web cam pointed at your bed. It won’t actually prevent the problem from happening but you can probably charge for the streaming video on fetish sites so that you have enough money to hire both a proctologist and a therapist.

Hmmm. I have recently moved in with a gay couple. I think you’re onto something.

Yeah there are, and people often complain they are a pin in the ass.

Ducks and runs

<snip>
By far the most common? Where the hell do you live? I’d have to say it is far from the most common. :dubious:

You are correct in that the numbers are hard to document yet the evidence shows that it is ubiquitous. If you take a long and hard look across America, you will find people that claim to be victims of UFO abductions complete with “anal probes”. Ask the average American what the chances of that really happening are and you will get the response, infinity to one. Yet, how do we explain how this happens.

Somebody is obviously going on a spearfishing derby for chocolate starfish and yet who is it? Johnny Cash acknowledged the phenomenon in the song “Ring of Fire”. The answer lies with older men whether they are relatives, the mailman, or simply acquaintances. It can’t be avoided and the only protection is a well greased butthole before you turn in for the night. Ether will make you forget the whole thing anyway.

or, to be thorough, call the nearest animal husbandry lab and ask if they can account for all of their *bovine electro-ejaculators. They may very well have had one purloined by your pearl-loined and nefarious roomates or neighbors. Of couse, the lab may simply have left the device hidden under their *Bull Semen Parachute

*(Yes, I know, “band name,” and all that.)

Also, let’s not forget the condition known as “Chef’s Ass.” It has to do with a sweaty ass and friction. But I wouldn’t expect it to happen to the anular regions.

Well, I hope we won’t be dignifying alien anal probing as the cause with any serious consideration. I mean, here’s a lifeform that can travel light years. You’d suppose they could engineer a traceless anal probe

Unless…

They collided with another alien team conducting research on groin fungus in hairless mamalians.

“Hey! You got intergallactic Ben Gay on my anal probe!”
“Well you got anal probe in my intergallactic Ben Gay!”

“Mmmm! Delicious!”

I don’t think a look across America was the long and hard thing he took to end up with this problem.

Did the OP wake up in the bed of a pickup truck with kitchen implements next to him?

The three commonest causes for painful defecation are hemorrhoids, anal fissures (little tears at the sphincter) and pain related to the coccyx, which is kind of right there.
Oh…and some people get burned a second time when the jabaneros pass out the south end.

Only a physician (and possibly your hairdresser) know for sure.

It would take an inspection by a qualified individual to figger it out. Generally the money’s on hemorrhoids. If they hurt that much, consider getting them removed.

Autolycus is recruiting.

“Ladle, Ladle, Ladle!
You made me be so gay!
When I’m bored and horny
It’s ladle anal play!” – Sampiro

hardy har har… I’m going with the hemorrhoid vote.

Helooo? Occam’s Razor anyone?

Geez, I thought you guys were smart.
The OP needs to remove the massive dildo that has been attached to his bed, his favorite pair of pants, or possibly his kitchen floor. He can keep it there, but it’s prolly gonna take a while before the pain goes away.

If said dildo is covered with sand paper, remove it. That is a common mistake. Also, if your regular toilet paper has been replaced by fiberglass insulation, stop using it. Consider switching to sandpaper.

It is NOT recommended for one to take enemas two to three times per week. Two to three times per day makes sure that there is no poo in there.

Harsh solvents do a great job of cleaning things, they also dissolve your turd cutter. Keep that in mind.

If your poopie portal is predisposed to pain, prey that your posterior perfectly prevents penetration. Poppers are potential pooper party precedents, please place preventative practices in place, in order to prohibit premature poking of poopie places.

We’ve all heard about the time that Peter Piper purchased a pack of pink and purple penises, purely for pleasure. His protracted plotz passage had previously passed only predigested products. Periodic penetration with pink, purple, and pulsating probes, proved that periods of prolonged prolapses were probable.

Also, try Preparation H.

Well, I hope you eventually get to the bottom of it.

No, where the hell do *you *live? :dubious:

Chronologically, when should this take place with respect to one’s evening convention;
[ul]brush teeth[/ul][ul]say prayers[/ul][ul]grease butthole?[/ul]