I have been struggling for four days to find something to say that would comfort you. As you know, I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer four years ago. I thought I should be able to come up with something wise to say. I was wrong.
The fact is, I still miss my mom every single day. The fact that I wouldn’t have wanted her to live in pain took nothing away from the pain I felt losing her. It was best for her to go. It was NOT best for me for her to be gone. I think you are probably going through the same thing.
I guess if I have anything helpful to say, it is this. Do not EVER let ANYONE try to tell you how to deal with your grief. Your grief is yours alone, and only you can find the best way to handle it. All the lovingly given advice in the world is not going to change the gut wrenching pain that you feel right now. And everyone must find their own path through it.
You have friends here, hon, and support. Many of us have lived through what you are going through, and we are all here to listen. We care, and we want to help. Please let us know what form that help should take, okay?
My prayers are with you and your family. I am so very VERY sorry that your mom had to go. She fought so hard to stay with you…you fought so hard to allow her to live her life out with dignity.
Love lives on beyond goodbye, honey. Both hers for you, and yours for her. Hold that in your heart, as I do.
Even though it hurts, it must be a blessed relief for you, and your mother isn’t hurting anymore.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I knew you better, so I could give you advice, or even offer to have you email me. Of course, you can if you want, but I’ve no doubt there are other Dopers with whom you’re closer. Suffice it to say, you’re not alone in this, because you know you have a support group here.
Again, kelli, I’m sorry. Please take care of yourself and your family through this. Be strong when you’re able to and be weak when you have to. And find your strength and support where you can.
We’re all very sorry to hear about your loss. Don’t forget to let it out as it comes, and it might help to sit and hold hands or cuddle with family members.
Oh Kelli…
I know what you’re going through. When my Mom died I was with her. I remember, when the nurse said she was gone, I wanted to make everything stop. I suddenly had a whole bunch of things I needed to ask Mom. I wanted to get some of the family stories straight, and ask where things where. I wanted to get her on tape. I just plain wasn’t finished with her yet. It was the oddest feeling, like when you’re really involved with something and get interupted. It wasn’t even grief, that came later, it was more dismay and anger. I guess I’m telling you this because I want you to know death hits everyone differently and however it is for you, it’s okay. Another thing I remember so clearly is sitting at home later that day. When it came to the time I usually headed to the hospital, I felt as though I was supposed to be leaving. It was really odd to just sit. She’d been there for six weeks and I’d gotten into a routine. You shouldn’t be surprised if one day you just plain forget she’s gone. You’ll catch yourself picking up the phone to call her, or noticing that something she liked is on sale. You’ll probably refer to her in the present tense. It’s all going to take time, and there’s no way to speed it up. You’re lucky you have kids too. You’ll need each other to feel like you still have a family. The everyday, practical stuff will help you as well. School forces you to get it together every day and if you’re cooking meals for them, you’ll probably eat too. I know you’re worried about their reaction. I’m not sure how old your boys are, but mine were six and eight. They were actually sort of relieved. Mom had a couple of strokes, one of which made her very manic before she lost conciousness. Unfortunatly, they were there and were always a little scared of her after that. I hope your boys have good memories of their grandmother. Let them talk about her. So many people think children need to be protected from death and won’t even mention it in front of them. They may be curious about how death happens. They see so much violent death on TV that they might have a distorted idea of what she looked like. They may picture her as looking like a murder victim. Be sure they know she was taken care of, that she wasn’t in pain or bleeding. Kid’s have wonderfull imaginations, but they’re not always accurate! They might also be afraid they’re going to lose you too. Just reassure them the best you can, and give them lots of hugs and love. Sometimes with kid’s, they need physical touch more than words or explanations. They want to know you’re actually there.
The only other advice I can give you, is get help if you don’t think you can handle it. I went around thinking I was fine for several years after Mom died. Mr. zoogirl and I hit a bad patch awhile back and separated briefly. I was seeing a counsellor for that, but before long, I realizes our sessions had become mostly about Mom. I just wasn’t aware of how messed up I was over her, until I had let everything else get screwed up too. There are a lot of sites about grief on the net, too.
Well, this is looking like a short book, so I’ve probably gone so far past my two cents worth that I’m up to $1.50!
I’ll pray for all of you. I’m going to include your stepfather. It sounds like you get along, so try to keep him in the family, okay? Let him see the kids, and you, if it’s allright with them.
How wonderful that you love your mother so much. Be consoled by knowing that she will always be with you. Death does not defeat love. God go with you, Kelli.
