My sister, the necrophile

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I need your help … every one of you from the smallest doper to the biggest one.

My sister, you see, is obsessed with this man. She’s never seen him in person, never shaken his hand, never flirted with him or kissed him or anything.

But she does eat him. Or something. I’m still not quite sure how it all works out.

But now … it’s the last straw. From her away message on AIM (and it’s 1 AM where she is, so it’s clear to me that she’s hiding this else she’d be doing it in broad daylight): “dance party with [guy]”

I’ll level with you … I’m not too fond of this guy. He gets a lot of things done in his name and in his father’s name … strange stuff. Really peculiar. Things I wouldn’t get caught dead doing. But I suppose one can’t really pick one’s followers.

This latest, though … the man is DEAD. Not figuratively in the “Oh, I’m gonna kill him.” Nope. That got taken care of a while back, let me tell YOU. Big ol’ scene. Made him carry his own death machine. You think Kevorkian was bad? Back when this guy was around they didn’t have syringes or anything like that. He carried two friggin’ planks of wood. Brutal stuff. His clothes were stuck to his back with his own blood … and from everything I’ve read they didn’t exactly put fresh clothes on him when he was buried. And he ain’t changed his clothes since, either. So we’re talking about a guy who wasn’t the picture of hygiene when he was killed and my sister is dancing with this man.

Who’s been dead almost two thousand years.

And as I consulted a very dear friend about this, something else occurred to us…

He has holes in his feet and his wrists. That makes walking kinda tough. It also makes that whole self-love thing tough. I think we would have heard about him getting married, which means he’s gone without the product of that love for a VERY long time (he’s one of those “no sex before marriage” guys).

My sister is … oh man, this is so hard to say.

Right, then. I’ll just quote the entire away message and hope she’s okay in the morning.

“dance party with Jesus!”

[sub]She’s excited … I wonder what kind of excited she’ll be later on:eek:[/sub]

2

and i thought you were serious, shit she loves gods son, but still, it is kinda nasty. yeah sorry.

3

I found Jesus two years ago.

He was passed out in my back yard, so I called the cops, and he got arrested for public intoxication.

4

You know, I actually heard that Jesus was a pretty good dancer, but you have to remember to duck under his arms when he turns around.

And you know that he kicks ass in the mosh pit.

5

hell yeah he does, dirtybastard broke three of my ribs and cracked my nose. and he owns me three bucks.

6

Jesus has great head-bangin’ hair.

7

That makes her a necro**phage*.

If I were you, I’d aggressively question her on every detail of this relationship; and if she refuses to submit to your inquisition, poke her with soft cushions.

She’ll never expect that.

8

Jesus messed up my coding.

9

Jesus is also a master bowler.

10

Jesus was way cool.

Anyone? Anyone?

11

Don’t this belong in the pit? It’s a well-written OP (truly, you can write, iampunha), and full of finely-barbed humour, but it is a flame.

12

Jesus isn’t a dead guy. Oh, sure, there was that unfortunate crucifixion thing, but that only kept him down for three days. Not even three whole days.

So lighten up on your sister. :slight_smile:

13

Everytime someone mentions the big J man himself doing something jovial (like dancing), he becomes the ‘Buddy Christ’ from Dogma in my head…

anyone else?

14

I dunno, he built my hot rod. Seemed like an okay guy to me.

15

This had me in fits.

A couple of years ago I was talking to a lady after church when her little son ran up and said “Mummy, mummy, Holly [his little sister] is picking her nose and she says she found Jesus!”

16

He was behind the couch.

17

Rabbi Yeshua bar Yosef… try putting that on a business card.

18

I caught on when you said, "He gets a lot of things done in his name and in his father’s name … "

Anyhow, tell her I said, “welcome to the family.” :slight_smile:

19

A lot of people think he’s real creative but I think all he does is wine.

20

Hey, free booze is a good thing.