Hrmm, it’s not in my copy of the rules. Do you have a page and paragraph number?
Seriously, family is important but it isn’t a free pass.
The rules[sup]tm[/sup].
There’s no way to say no an continue to have a good relationship. She’s family, and family takes in family when they need to crash somewhere for a couple weeks. If you say no, you are in effect saying:
Dear niece: I find you so objectionable, and have such a low opinion of your ability to be responsible, that I won’t let you crash for a couple weeks.
Dear brother/sister: Your progeny is not polite or respectful enough to consider letting stay with me for a couple of weeks. This is a reflection on your poor abilities as parents.
That may not be what you want to say, but it’s the way most people will look at it. Unless there’s something majorly wrong with niece, you can’t say no without hurting feelings.
How about a youth hostel?
Thanks for all the advice. I don’t know how to do the multiple quote thing so I’ll just
try to answer the questions. My niece is 40 yrs old. She is my brother’s daughter. She is married and has a 14 yr old daughter. Apparently she is unhappy and is getting separated from the husband. She is planning to move here this weekend and then bring the daughter in Jan.
I don’t know her that well. When she was here last month, that was the first time I’d seen her in probably 15 years. I live in a coastal town in Florida. The rents for a 2 BR place are all over $1000 per month. Most places require first, last and security deposit. She knows this. She has been looking and inquired about a few places but according to her, Florida has a law stating that a child must have their own bedroom. She does have some money to rent a place but finding one she can afford on a waitress salary will be tough. She is of the mind that if she just got a job and got down here she’d be able to find something. She said she’d stay at a KOA in a tent but the cost of just a campsite is $38.00 a day which works out to over $1100 a month.
When she visited last month the visit was fine but she started talking about moving here then and I tried to discourage her by telling her how expensive it is etc. She would not be discouraged. She is on the road according to her facebook page today. She should be here by 8PM tonight. I know she does not have any other arrangements yet so I guess she’ll be on my couch tonight.
My house is only two bedrooms one of which is my husband’s office. That means if she is to stay the living room/kitchen will be the place. My husband and I have lived here over 20 years and worked very hard to buy our home. No one ever stays with us. When his kids come to visit we will rent them a place for the week or the few days instead of putting them up. I told my niece that we don’t have any money to help her out. I just feel put upon. I try to put myself in her shoes and think how I would feel and then I start to feel sorry for her. I do not want or need the aggravation of another person’s needs. I really hope when she gets into town tonight she will just rent a hotel room and find something soon but I’d be willing to bet she just shows up on my doorstep.
Ok, now that gives you a reasonable out, according to The Rules[sup]tm[/sup]. I was picturing early twenties, moving to the big city, etc. When you are 40, you are responsible for yourself, and don’t have rights to crash on an aunt’s couch, especially when you’ve only seen them once in 15 years.
So many red flags. Definitely don’t let her stay with you. If you want to be nice, pay a week’s rent in an extended stay hotel or something.
On the other hand, maybe let her stay with you and film it for a reality show. Call it “Uninvited Relative.” Each week she promises to leave but some crisis comes up which makes it impossible to do so. Be sure and have lots of release forms on hand for the many new cast members she brings over each week.
This sounds like serious emotional blackmail to me. If it were me, if she showed up at my place tonight expecting to crash on my couch, I would tell her, “Sorry, no can do. But I’ve found some nice motels in the area that aren’t expensive, and I’ll front you the money to stay at one of them for two or three days.”
Maybe I’m a horrible person, but sorry, somebody I haven’t seen in 15 years…and somebody who’s 40, for pete’s sake–they should have their shit together before they decide to up and move someplace where the rents are higher than they can reasonably hope to afford on the job they think they can get. As the old saying goes, “Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” It’s one thing if her house burned down or something like that, but this sounds like it was a conscious, planned decision on her part, making the assumption that she could bully/wheedle/cajole you into giving in.
I don’t know you or her, obviously, but the way you described this–don’t give in. If she’s this nervy now, think how nervy she’ll be when she actually gets a foothold in your home. Use your husband as the heavy if you have to: “Sorry, X, but hubby says no way are we taking in houseguests.”
To me, this sounds like a swell time to take a camping vacation yourself.
It’s tough to crash on someone’s couch if they’re not there to answer the door.
I was going to say something like this.
Has your niece been in direct contact with you or knows that you know she’ll be in town tonight? I would try to just avoid the situation completely by not being around. The next day you’ll be able to gauge her preparedness by how she spent the night.
From there make a decision. If she spent the night in her vehicle in front of your house, then you know her intentions. If you can’t have her stay at your place, let her know. As most people said if you even let her stay a night, you might be in trouble.
Do you know of any reason why she would just up and leave town like this? Maybe there is something going on at home that she wants to get out asap. It seems strange, especially if she’s not that type of person to begin with.
Frankly, that’s on you for asking. If you had discussed your situation with your aunt and explained your lack of housing, and an invitation was not forthcoming, you should have made your own arrangements.
Whether the rift was caused by your feelings or hers are another matter entirely.
A) She could probably negotiate a weekly or monthly rate at a better price.
B) Most Florida State Parks charge less than that (starts at $16/night). There seem to be a lot of them, I imagine one is close enough to her job.
If she’s serious about taking responsibility for herself (which she damn well should be at 40), she’ll find a way that doesn’t impose on you.
Fantastic idea!
Buttercup, it’s time for you to update YOUR Facebook page today! Something along the lines of “NYC here I come!” :D:D
Love it!
This reminds me of when I was a teen and my parents found out from a relative that my “black sheep of the family” uncle was coming to town and would arrive in the evening. We closed all the drapes and had the lights on low, like Great Britain during WWII. He didn’t show up. All that worry for nothing.
I’m a private person and would not allow a relative, who I barely know, camp out on my couch. Wow, the nerve of some people!
She asked you if she could come, you said no. There is no relationship between the two of you to worry about ruining, so don’t worry. If she comes by, either don’t be there, be there but don’t answer your door, or be there and answer the door and tell her point-blank that you said no and you meant no and she’s not staying with you. Because no does not mean yes.
If you do allow her to confront you about it, ask her why she even bothered asking you the question if she wasn’t prepared to hear a “no”? Mention that, if she wasn’t prepared to hear a “no,” then it wasn’t a question in the first place. And you don’t like it when people command you to allow them to stay in your house.
Okay, I was all ready to tell you to let your niece stay with you while helping her look for a place of her own and get on her feet – all the while picturing a young adult who could benefit from the mentoring influence of an older, wiser relative, etc. etc.
She’s 40? Screw that noise! She’s on her own.
I’m trying to get my mind around her thoughts. She’s married, but unhappy. Usually that means that the husband leaves, doesn’t it? Especially when there’s a child? That’s one odd thing.
So she’s moving out, but not moving in with her parents. That’s another odd thing, unless there’s a reason it wouldn’t work. Has she been told no there?
And she’s leaving her daughter for two months, to wait tables, then expecting to take her what sounds like at least several hours drive away from her father. To a town that she can’t afford to live in. That’s not going to work as planned, or at least not as stated. And it’s another odd thing. Getting a divorce long distance is not the easy way to do it.
I’m guessing that if she’s been told that the daughter needs her own room, someone isn’t anxious to have his daughter move away. And now I’m wondering if she’s even talked to a lawyer and I don’t have the energy to ask any more questions about this. And I’m on the other side of the country.
You and your husband certainly don’t need to be stuck in the middle of a half-baked divorce attempt. Because that’s what you’d be getting. It wouldn’t just be someone living in your space, it would be someone bringing in the drama.
I’d say maybe give her some thinking time on your couch, but you already gave her a week. Unless there’s an abuse situation, this is when she needs to learn whether she can afford the divorce. Don’t call it being a bitch. Call it touch love.
I agree with everything except the parts I’ve italicized. As someone who has dealt with friends and family members on the doorstep I implore you to not flee your home, hide in the dark, blame your husband for turning her away or do any other sitcom-y tactics to deal with your niece. If she does try to manipulate you into becoming your houseguest, nothing will stop her from doing so but a polite but firm “no”. (Or in your case, “As I said before, no.”) I’m not saying this is easy; it’s not. But it’s either this, or capitulation.
This 40YO woman has pulled up stakes to move to your expensive town against your explicit advice and plans to find an apartment based on a job she hasn’t even begun yet – yikes. Are Florida landlords keen to rent to newcomers with no job history? Does starting over in Florida mean arriving with the clothes on her back, or a van full of furniture? How and when does her 14YO daughter factor into this? If you don’t know the answers to these questions but are expected to throw your doors open to a relative stranger (see what I did there?), then the flags aren’t just red, they’re on fire. (Or, on preview, what Yllaria said.)
I have to say I sympathize with not wanting to be mean. I would be struggling as well if I were you.
Are you in contact with your brother (her father)? This sounds like a matter that you should talk to him about. This way, if you do have a good relationship, you can lay out the facts from the get-to (small house with no room, already told her no, she doesn’t seem to have a realistic plan, etc.). If someone should be stressing out, it should be him. Not you.
If she shows up on your porch, do you know what you are going to do? People are saying don’t answer the door. Well, we aren’t the ones who are related to this chick and then have to deal with the emotional fall-out.
I’d probably give her one night. And it would be after a long talk on the front porch before she stepped foot in the house. I understand your fears (believe me, I UNDERSTAND), but I don’t think I’d be able to ignore the knocking on the door. I also think something’s wrong here, with your niece. You don’t need to position yourself as the problem-fixer-upper or a marital counselor, but at least make sure she’s okay. If you have any kind of non-toxic relationship with your brother, you would be doing him a favor. Maybe a stern talking-to and an uncomfortable night spent on a couch is all she needs to rethink her strategy.
Your entire post was excellent but these points are probably the best so far in this thread.
One cannot, despite TV shows, movies, and novels, decide to just chuck it all, blow town, and show up in another city and start a new life without money or a plan. (I myself would dearly love to run off to Hollywood to be a movie star! Hey, I have a job lined up at a Pizza Hut and I have a relative I sorta know living in Pasadena! I’m on my way - what could go wrong?) I mentioned the YWCA before, and now I would have to say her only option for a roof over her head is to apply for emergency assistance at your local Dept. of Social Services. They might put her up in a shelter, if they have room, or refer her to the Salvation Army or something. She would have to apply for welfare, a long, tiring, nitpicky, frustrating experience for very little payoff. I don’t think you should be responsible. (Suppose god forbid you died within the next couple of days? If she was planning on staying with you, then what would she do? She’s still need food and shelter, so off to the Dept. of Social Services with her.)