Not (very) offensive ethnic jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

Along those lines, my favorite multilingual joke is this one:

A Mexican guy who speaks no English goes into a department store to buy socks but doesn’t know how to explain what he wants.

A helpful clerk points to a shirt. The Mexican says “Eso no que es.” (That’s not it.)

He points to pants. The Mexican says “Eso no que es.”

He point to a belt. The Mexican says “Eso no que es.”

Finally the clerk points to some socks. The Mexican exclaims “Eso SI que es!” (Yes, that’s it!)

The clerk, exasperated, says “If you could spell it, why couldn’t you say it!”

(“Eso si que es” would be pronounced as s-o-c-k-s.)

82

And this one:

THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA
(Must be read with an Italian accent)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She
brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say
go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna
my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma
bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings
me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She
tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I
wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the
table, you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.
Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better
not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: “Peace on you”.
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna go back to Italy.

83

:smiley:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.” "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!” “Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

84

An Irishman is going door to door in a wealthy neighborhood looking for work.

He knocks at one house and a man comes to the door.

He says, “Top of the morning to you! Would you be having any work today?”

The owner says, “Why as a matter of fact yes. I need my porch painted. Go around the side of the house and you will find cans of green paint, brushes, and everything you need. Come back when you’re done.”

The Irishman goes around the side of the house. He comes back in half an hour and knocks at the door again. When the owner comes, he says with self satisfaction, “She’s all done!”

The owner, puzzled, say “My, that was fast. Are you sure the porch is entirely painted?”

The Irishman says with pride, “Yes it is sir.” Then he adds, with a conspiratorial wink, “But by the way sir, I hate to tell you this, but that’s not a Porsche, it’s a Mercedes!”

85

I thought this was going to end with the Irishman talking to himself in a mirror

86

A Sioux Indian brave runs into a psychiatrist’s office and yells, “Doc, you gotta help me! I’m going insane! I’m a wigman! I’m a teepee!! I’m a wigman I’m a teepee!!! I’mawigwami’mateepeeimawigmanimateepeeimawigwamimateepeeaaahhhieeee!!!”

The psychiatrist takes some notes on his notepad, rubs his beard in contemplation for a minute, consults a book, and then says, “My diagnosis is that you’re two tents.”

87

I think you mean wigwam instead of wigman.

88

Yes, must have been auto-corrected.

89

I’m surprised that autocorrect thinks wigman is more likely than wigwam.

90

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel …

Room Service : “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”

Guest : “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: “Uh… Yes, I’d like to order bacon and eggs.”

Room Service: “Ow ulai den?”

Guest: “…What??”

Room Service: “Ow ulai den?!?.. Pryed, boyud , pochd?”

Guest: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry…Scrambled, please.”

Room Service: “Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?”

Guest: “Crisp will be fine.”

Room Service: “Hokay. Ansahn toes?”

Guest: “What?”

Room Service: “An toes. ulaisahn toes?”

Guest: “I… Don’t think so…”

RoomService: “No? Udo wan sahn toes???”

Guest: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘udo wan sahn toes’
means.”

RoomService: “Toes! Toes!..Why Uoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?”

Guest: “Oh, English muffin! !! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

RoomService: “We botter?”

Guest: “No, just put the botter on the side.”

RoomService: “Wad?!?”

Guest: “I mean butter… Just put the butter on the side.”

RoomService: “Copy?”

Guest: “Excuse me?”

RoomService: “Copy…tea… meel?”

Guest: “Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything.”

RoomService: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy … Rye ??”

Guest: “Whatever you say.”

RoomService: “Tanjooberrymutts.”

Guest: “You’re welcome”

91

The joke is that you’re looking for that obvious punchline, but you don’t get it. I really liked it.

92

No soap! Radio!

93

I’m probably really stupid here (that is usually the case), but I don’t get it? What is the joke?

94

What’s the third category?

95

An older lady, a young lady, and Irishman, and a British soldier all sit down in the same train compartment. The train leaves the station and along its journey, it goes into a tunnel and the compartment goes pitch black. There is a kissing sound followed by a slap.

“Good for that young lady,” thought the older woman. “One of those two got fresh with her and she slapped him.”

“That’s odd,” thought the young lady. “I think one of those two men tried to kiss me, kissed the older lady, and got slapped for it.”

“This just isn’t my day,” thought the soldier. “That Irishman got fresh with the young lady and I got slapped for it.”

“Ha ha ha,” thought the Irishman. “I kissed the back of my hand and slapped the soldier.”

96

My favorite ethnic joke

Why do black people eat so much fried chicken?

Because it’s delicious!

(Chapelle, I think)

97

:d:d:d:d:d

98

How does every ethnic joke begin?

<looks over right shoulder, looks over left shoulder>

99

:frowning:
I don’t get it.

100

I originally heard this one as a Cajun joke, so I’ll keep it that way:

Two counterfeiters have just finished printing a new stack of bills, but they discover that instead of $20 bills, they printed $12 bills. “Crap,” they think, “what are we going to do with these?”

One counterfeiter has an idea: “Let’s take them to that bait shop on the corner, that Cajun won’t know the difference.” They take them to the store and ask the guy behind the counter, “Say, buddy, can you break a $12?”

He says, “Oh, shore, you want t’ree fours, four t’rees, or two sixes?”