Note to self

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Note To Self:

When attempting to light a cigarette using the cooker, ensure hair is suitably tied back

or

After misplacing lighter, walk along the street and replace the lighter instead of using the cooker

22

Note to self:

Just because you could drive in there doesn’t mean you can drive back out. Tow truck operators really don’t like coming out at 2 am to pull you out of an earth dam.

23

Did you have celery?

24

Note to self: Try to include alliteration in more of my fart jokes. It’s like poetry.

25

Note to self:

Drinking vast quantities of lager at a barbecue may make you conversational, but vomit is difficult to clean off the cushions.

And the curtains.

Especially somebody elses.
(Lobsang: I empathise).

26

Note to self:

Vodka and cranberry does NOT count as a serving of fruit.

27

Note to Fashion Police :

Rico wears polyester pants. Excessive force is authorised and considered both acceptable and desirable.

28

Note to self:

Biting the dentist’s hand while he is giving you an injection in the mouth does NOT ease the tension or pain.

29

NOte to self:

Just because you have more checks does not mean you have more money in the bank

30

Note to self:

When cutting sheetrock with a utility knife, keep your thumb outta the way.

31

Note to self:
When daughter says “oops”, do NOT ignore.

Note to self:
Read expire date on carton of milk BEFORE you pour into cereal.

Note to self:
The closet door still does not magically stay open. It WILL crack you in the head if you don’t watch out.

32

Note to self:

Put in contacts before cutting onions…

33

Note to self: Listen to more of The Constantines.

34

Note to self:

Don’t laugh while you’re chewing bubble gum.

35

Note to self: Don’t push that button on the front of the compu

36

Note to self:

Measurements of the cosmic microwave background, residual radiation left over from the Big Bang, have recently placed severe constraints on the nature and amount of dark matter. The lightweight neutrino can account for only a few percent of the missing mass. If neutrinos constituted the main component of dark matter, they would act on the cosmic microwave background of the universe in ways that the recent Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe should have observed-but did not.

37

Note to self:

Do not drink lemonade after eating chocolate chip cookies. Eww…

38

Note to a much younger self:

When playing with gasoline and matches, make sure you move the gas container a suitable distance from the puddle of gas you are about to light.

or

Don’t play with matches and gasoline. It’s not as much fun as it sounds, and bad shit can happen.

39

Note to self:

When your 7 month pregnant wife asks “Do I look big”, do not reply “Yes”

40

Note to self:

If a lion turns around slowly in front of you and raises his tail, duck!