Typically, when somebody has a crush on me, I know it. When I don’t respond, and they put me on the spot, I resent the awkwardness.
I’m sorry you’re suffering.
Email ain’t so bad. It’s not like you called him drunk and weepy at four in the morning, wondering aloud how it all went wrong. Now that’s embarrassing. Especially if one were to (speaking entirely hypothetically here, and in no way drawing on personal experience, no sir, uh-uh, not me) do it more than once.
I got no useful advice that hasn’t already been covered, in particular by Drastic, Tzel, and Manda JO.
I will also refer you the line of mine that you, in your impeccable good taste, have put into your sig. Let it be known that I do not bestow the title of “badass ninja rock star” on just any tart who walks down the street. Only if she’s a special tart. A Queen. A ruler of the universe who will one day no doubt take a King, but don’t think those filthy peasants cower one got-damn whit less sincerely now, while she’s the sole occupant of the throne.
Ah! So much kindness! I’m shocked. I’m touched. I am so grateful for the advice and caring you all have shown me.
I have to leave for class in five minutes, so I can’t type much. But I will summarize everything that happened. I still feel mildly pathetic, but here goes:
I went to work and saw him right away. He said we needed to talk, so we went to a private corner of my department and he laid it out with, “Nothing’s changed for me. You know I love you as a friend. I cherish your friendship. I wouldn’t give that up just for some feelings that will fade in time.”
Ouch.
I was unable to speak (I kept opening my mouth but no words came out). About ten minutes later I figured out what I needed to say to him and hunted him down. So we actually talked. He basically said that when we met, he was with his girlfriend, and he didn’t consider other women. When we became such good friends, he did see me in that light but made a decision to not think of me that way because of our friendship. It mattered more to him than a relationship, and he knew what the end result would be: us never speaking again. (He’s a little bitter). He does also subscribe to the girly-girl thing Manda JO spoke of. You just described all this ex-girlfriends.
Basically, he loves me as a friend and nothing else. We talked about me leaving IKEA, what I should do (the catch being, of course, that this is the man who I come to with all my problems, and so I didn’t know what to do except talk to him). I laid myself bare again (in part because of the regret thing many of you have commented on.)
He left at 8 to go to a bar for out friend’s birthday party. I was heading over after I got off at 9 and changed. After he left, I thought about it. I realized that I’ve truly never had a friend like him before, and yet I would throw it away over some uncomfortable feelings?
When you think about it, the line between loving someone as a friend and as something more blurs and becomes meaningless. All that matters is that the love is there, present, and real. And it is for both of us. I don’t have to stop loving him; I just have to realize that he won’t ever love me back in the way I need. Once I get my head around that, I think I’ll be able to move on.
I went to the bar, met up with him, told him what I realized. We hugged and everything is fine now. I got smashingly drunk and recited Shakespeare (I’m prone to be verbose when I drink to a certain point). I awed several bar patrons with the Two Gentlemen of Verona speech (What light is light, if Silvia be not seen?..) I had a great time, in part because he was there, and I’m happy with the decision I made.
I still don’t know how I’m going to kill this hope, though. My dog could get hit by a bus, I could bury her and know she was decomposing in the ground, and I’d still hope she would come alive. Oh dear, this is going to be hard.
Thank you, Cervaise, for your words. It means more to me than I can say, truly.
I have to go to school now but I’ll be back this afternoon to respond some more.
“Life is pain, princess. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” Wesley, from The Princess Bride
Sara,
You strike me as an amazingly mature young woman, who is confident enough to share her innermost feelings with people she cares about. I’ve been on this earth for 34 years, and I can tell you that’s a rare trait. Never doubt your worth – for this strength, if nothing else.
I’m assuming this guy is roughly your age. He is apparently fascinated by the societally accepted version of beauty, which leads me to believe that he’s not quite as mature as you seem to be, in spite of the wonderful things that he says or the connection you two seem to have. (I don’t mean to impugn his character; I freely admit I’m guessing about this.)
In my opinion, staying close friends with this guy and working with him on a regular basis is gonna continuously rub salt in your wounds. It has the potential to make you an even stronger, more confident person, or it could make you a bitter, vengeful person.
What will you do when he begins dating someone else, and wants to talk with you about it? (He will, you know. From his perspective, you’re his best friend and that’s all.)When he asks your opinion (“to get the female perspective”) on what types of gifts to give her? The best way to propose?
What will you do when he breaks up with another fluff-muffin? Will you be the strong shoulder for him to cry on? Can you do that?
My advice (which is worth exactly what you’ve paid for it) is to leave IKEA and take the other job. In a perfect world, he’ll realize what he’s lost and understand what true love is before it’s too late. If nothing else, it’ll remove a constant reminder to you of what could have been.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, and I hope I’m not coming across that way. But throughout high school and college, I was the “big brother” figure to a LOT of women that I desperately wanted to date. They loved me (like a brother), they enjoyed being with me, but they didn’t see me as a love interest. I understand the constant pain that can result from seeing someone you love dating people who aren’t good enough for them, watching them crash and burn, and then start the process all over again after you’ve picked them up and dusted them off. It ain’t fun.
Whew, I have some time to post more (10 minutes before I have to go to work. :rolleyes:)
Some more things to add:
As I mentioned in the OP, the thing I love and admire most about James is his integrity. He always does what’s right, even if it hurts or embarrasses him. I’ve struggled with that for a long time (fighting the selfish urge to cover my tracks), and he’s taught me much about that. He is also the only person who will listen to me jabber on about books and stories and Shakespeare and poems - all the stuff I love. Ideally, I will find someone who reads as well, but James is at least an artist. And he loves to hear me speak about what I’m passionate about, and I love to talk, so it works out nicely. He has also taught me more than I can say about how to be giving. I was of the mindset that you give a friend a present on their birthday and Christmas. But he gives me presents all the time - cards, notes, drawings, paintings. By his example, I’ve enriched my other friendships as well. I’ve learned a lot about expressing my gratitude and love, rather than believing it was obvious.
For these reasons, I think there is much more I can learn from him as well, and I hate to cut him off. It will hurt when he starts dating someone else. A month ago he started dating a girl who was a personal trainer at Bali’s. It hurt. But his art show downtown opened at about the same time, and I went to see it on opening day. I made him a card and went to work to tell him about it and congratulate him, and afterwards he e-mailed me and said that he was breaking it off with this girl because she wasn’t an artist, or at all deep. He was really touched that I had gone, and painted me a picture of my soul a few days later (it’s hanging on my wall). So although it did hurt, he let me know that I showed him what a true friend was. I think, at 22, he’s not the most mature person. He’s smart and mature in certain ways, but in others he’s not. And he’s helped me mature enough that I think I can do the same for him.
I talked to the owners of the other store. Right now, I’m going to put off working there until summer. My current manager has let me know that there won’t be a full-time position open for me once school ends, so I’m going to work there three days a week and at IKEA, four. So if I really like it at the new place, I can easily make the transition.
Right now, I still feel sort of numb. I’ve been wanting this for nearly a year. It’s shocking that it’s over - or at least that I know the outcome. I’m kind of awed over what I did and his reaction. I just need some time, I think, for it to sink in, and then hopefully I can work on getting my feelings to fade.
BTW, I’ve already written something like 6 poems about this whole thing. But James is my best critic, so I would like someone else to check them out. I might take you up on your offer, Zenster. 
Finally, I do believe that sometime, maybe years from now, he is going to look back and realize what he missed out on because he was too busy falling in and out of love with mannequins and Barbie Dolls. I don’t know if I’ll still be there when he does. All in all, I see it as his mistake.
Of course, I still feel pathetic. I’m still humiliated. But that will fade too, I’m sure.
Thanks again, everyone. Cervaise and Lowellster, I am beyond moved by what you wrote. Awed is a good word for it. Thank you could not suffice. Rest assured, though, that both of you have given me hope.
Sounds like you have a great friendship Sara. Yeah it sucks badly when feelings get in the way from one side that jepoardize it. It’s happened to me a number of times (on both ends). And in some cases I’ve remained friends, while, in others it just didn’t work. It will take time before you know whether you want to continue the friendship. Because sometimes, you’ll initially get over your feelings, but then cycle back to your feelings at future points in your friendship which can be too agonizing for you (or they) to continue. So give it modest time; see how it goes.
Rough it is but - Zenster’s right! - channel yourself into art. A stunning portion of art’s greatest works were created in moments of troubled circumstance. Looking back you might be surprised at the work you did. 
Anyway,
hugs
Mike
One more thing that I have learned since I was 20(my, I wish I was at good at my life as I am at other peoples . . . ) is that relationships don’t have to last to be signifigant. When we are young, we put a lot of importance on “forever”–friends “forever”, always be there, etc. There is a sense that if a relationship dosen’t last, it somehow wasn’t important, wasn’t sincere, wasn’t real. This is not true. Sometimes people come into our lives and they are jsut what we need right then, and we are just what they need and we teach each other things nad then go on. The past is safe–whatever happens in the future will not somehow invalidate what was, what you had, waht you enjoyed. When I was 20, I thought that the idea that two poeple can “grow apart” was horribly cynical. Now I understand it to be wonderfully liberating–every momment that happens is yours to keep, and can’t be taken away.
So don’t be scared about this guy slipping away-sometimes, after we learn from someone, we move on to the next lesson. The quality of a relatoinship has little to do with the duration.
You guys have given me a lot of incredible advice. Manda JO, your last post was unparallel genius. I’ve never thought about it like that. I’m still in the immature mindset that it either lasts, or it wasn’t real.
Wow.
I’m going to spend a lot of time over the next two days (no work!) thinking about all this. I’m printing off this entire thread and re-reading it until it makes sense and really penetrates my mind. It will, I think.
I like being 20 (almost, a month left). But I hope I’m as smart as you guys when I grow up.
I was reading Twelfth Night for my Shakespeare class, and I came across the most beautiful sentiment (this is from my head, so it might be a little off):
Of course, I think there’s a truth that “smiling at grief” is really the only power we have; we know it’s coming, have no choice but to wait for it. It’s easier to accept (as some people have told me) that life IS suffering and do your best to greet it when it comes.
But at the same time, I’m not willing to sit like patience, waiting for someone to love me who won’t. It’s a sort of love, true, but it’s not the best sort. I’m too young to blather on about what I know about love, because I really know nothing, but I do think it’s obvious that loving someone who loves you back is an awesome thing.
That’s enough of Sarah’s Philisophical Journey tonight. As I said, I have a lot to think about. I’m happy you all were here for me when I needed it.
Take the new job. You won’t have to wear the outfit with IKEA written on it 144,762 times and no one will ask “Do you work here”.
I think a bit of male cynicism is needed here.
-
He said he was interested in your poetry??? C’mon!
No guy is ever interested in any woman’s poetry ever.
Not Emily Dickenson, not Sylvia Plath, not Maya Freaking
Angeloser.If he said he was interested in your poetry - he is
lying! The artwork maybe (if he thought there may
have been nudity involved), but poetry - never. -
If he knew anything about integrity, he wouldn’t be
talking behind his girlfriends backs to you and using
you as his emotional washrag.Cut him loose. Learn to find the goodness within
yourself.You like poetry - well here’s one for you without the
cynicism:After A While
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts and
presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flightAfter awhile you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn and you learn
with every goodbye you learn.Veronica A. Shoffstall
Enuma Elish, I can’t imagine what possessed you to offer that “advice,” but I can assure you, you’ve misread the situation rather badly. Among other things, I’m a heterosexual male, and I enjoy reading, yes, women’s poetry, from Dickinson to Plath. I would thank you not to pigeonhole me and men like me based solely upon your own limited experience, and I’m sure everybody else will thank you for refraining from grenade-throwing where it isn’t welcome. If you insist on continuing this line of thought, we’ll have to adjourn to a different forum.
Enuma Elish, I can’t imagine what possessed you to offer that “advice,” but I can assure you, you’ve misread the situation rather badly. Among other things, I’m a heterosexual male, and I enjoy reading, yes, women’s poetry, from Dickinson to Plath. I would thank you not to pigeonhole me and men like me based solely upon your own limited experience, and I’m sure everybody else will thank you for refraining from grenade-throwing where it isn’t welcome. If you insist on continuing this line of thought, we’ll have to adjourn to a different forum.
Enuma Elish, I can’t imagine what possessed you to offer that “advice,” but I can assure you, you’ve misread the situation rather badly. Among other things, I’m a heterosexual male, and I enjoy reading, yes, women’s poetry, from Dickinson to Plath. I would thank you not to pigeonhole me and men like me based solely upon your own limited experience, and I’m sure everybody else will thank you for refraining from grenade-throwing where it isn’t welcome. If you insist on continuing this line of thought, we’ll have to adjourn to a different forum.
I clicked Submit only once, I swear. I left the window alone. I didn’t hit reload. Arrrgghh…
Maybe so, but it was certainly worth repeating a couple of times…
Actually, I was speaking from experience. The guy was/is using her. He is a jerk.
If you can’t see this possibility, then I feel sorry for your tunnel vision.
He was/is using her as his emotional prop. He wants it all-sex from his bimboes and emotional support from Sara. He just sounds very manipulative to me.
Hrmm. Enuma has a point, although it was rather too brusque. The guy -may- be using our Sara and we would all rather hope he isn’t, just that he’s blind or otherwise flawed. Methinks only Sara can decide what is the truth on James. So I, for one, leave it to her. She obviously (sorry to talk about you in the 3rd person, Sara) has wit enough to wend her way in this world so far, hold her own head up as Enuma’s quoted poem suggested. She’ll see what is right and stand by it.
That said. Wow. This whole thread has just rent my heart in a thousand little ways. Painful as it is, I find this liberating and cleaning…like lancing a festering wound and squeezing the pus out so that I may save the limb. Thanks to everyone who has said their piece (or peace, as the case may be). I have gotten just a little more strength to stand my ground on a decision I made a month ago, and that is good. We all have our moments and this particular week was mine of weakness of spirit and longing of the heart for a ‘what could have been’. What IS, I find, is more important and I just lost sight of it once again until I was reading this thread. Sara, you’ve helped me. Thanks, girl. Your bravery is rewarded in ways you cannot even imagine. To the rest of you doffs cap, I am in your debt. Post on, brave (do I call you ‘Dopers’?..I’m new to the SDMB) brave whatevers.
**
You’ll have to inform several of my relatives of that, in addition to half of my 6th form English class, my ex-girlfriend, and several posters here. Also Tillie Olsen, about whose poem “I Want You Women up North to Know” I wrote a 900-word essay talking about the imagery she used. Rather good poem, if I may be so underwhelming. I enjoyed writing it as much as I enjoyed reading the poem. And I thoroughly enjoyed writing it or I wouldn’t have written what I wrote. If y’all want I can put it online and let the Teeming Millions decide for themselves.
In other words, EE . . . uh-uh. Maybe someone here has had a few bad experiences in this area?
He wasn’t using me. He’s not manipulative. Otherwise flawed, no doubt, as we all are. But as I said, he stands by his integrity and has taught me to find my own.
I’m still working on what is right. I really don’t have any answers. I’m just going to do my best to trust my heart (I don’t have much choice on the matter; my heart is always bossing me around and defying logic) and see what happens.