A termite walks into a bar. He asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
crickets chirping
Thankyou, thankyouverymuch. I’ll be here all week. Please tip your bartenders and waitreses. If your don’t tip, YOU SUCK!
Thankyou, thankyouverymuch!
I can’t post to this thread 'cos it’s full of jokes.
I’m not sayin’ that it’s actually a joke thread though.
I’m not sayin’ nuffink.
Watson you fool! Someone’s stolen our tent!
By the way, wasn’t she great? How about these by her as well:
Speaking of Claire Booth Luce, someone told Parker that Luce was always kind to her inferiors; Parker replied “Where does she find them?”
On another occasion, she received a telegram from her editor, who was bugging her for belated work while she was on her honeymoon. Her answer: “Too fucking busy, and vice versa.”
Other quotes:
“The woman speaks eight languages and can’t say no in any of them.”
“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”
“If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.”
And a few brief poems:
I wish I could drink like a lady
I can take one or two at the most
Three and I’m under the table
Four and I’m under the host
and…
Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
And drugs cause cramp
Guns aren’t lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
You might as well live
and one with the expressiveness of EddyTeddyFreddy ;)…
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
Uh, sorry…am I supposed to be posting one-liners? 
I’ll take #1 for $50.
I’ll see your $50! And raise you…
er…
nevermind.
“What’s that noise?”
“It’s not her feet that’re the problem. It’s her ears.”
“Well, then I couldn’t see. My glasses would fall off.”
“I cain’t have mo’ 'lasses, 'cause I ain’t had no 'lasses yet.”
“Geese!”
“How do you know I’m not wearing one?”
“No,no,no, daddy. Take off that fool tuxedo, and I’ll show you the difference between impotent and sterile.”
“Come on, Chickenlegs, she ain’t gonna believe you, neither.”
“One is a bunch of cunning runts…”
“That’s what makes him so mean!”
“Do you have a weed eater?”
“…and, boy, are my arms tired.”
“Rutabay-ay-ga, rutabay-ay-ga, ruta-bayyyyyyyy-ga! Call any veg’table, call it by nay-aaayme. Won’t you call one today! When you get off the train!”
“And hey buddy…tell the whole wide sky, my name is Johnny. Johnny Pissoff!”
If you aren’t entertained, or confused, by now, you can sniff my socks.
One shucks between fits.
Two fish are in a tank. One of them said to the other, “How the hell do you steer this thing?”
Well, that was a trifle bazaar.
Think so? How 'bout this:
Two hippos up to their chins in a hot, steamy, muddy swamp. One turns to the other and says “Ya know, I just can’t get it through my head that this is Thursday!”
:D! Best. Joke. Ever!
‘Oh my god! A talking carrot!’
Fine.
I’ll fess up.
My real name is Cecil, and I have over 45,000 personalities and you are the only other member on this board.
The whole money thing is a scam, to you, because I wanted to buy a bottle of Boone’s Farm Apple wine (1973), and I was running short of funds this week.
Thanks for the $4.95.
I’m gettin’ a buzz already.
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says “Why the long face?”
Another Dorothy Parker rhyme:
By the time you say you’re his
Shivering and signing.
And he says his love is
Unlimited, undying.
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
And a story: Dorothy Parker married Alan Campbell, divorced him, and remarried him about five years later. They invited the same people to the second wedding as the first. Somone remarked “Most of the people here haven’t spoke to each other in years.” Dorothy replied “Including the bride and groom.”
Hey, I already put in a $5 tip! Don’t look at me!
One is prime, two is prime, three is opal…
Woman walked into a bar, asked the bar tender for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.
Two peanuts were walking down the road, and one of them was assaulted… peanut.