Allow me to come back in and clarify some things. This will be long, but should address all the issues people brought up.
First of all, I really needed to let off some steam last night. I generally manage to go through the week without encountering anything that painfully reminds me of my failures, the boob incident just threw me into a bit of a tailspin last night by shoving my ineptitude in my face, as it were. Thanks to the people who brought up positive ideas, but thanks also to the people who pointed out that there’s no magic quick fix, and thanks also to those who just let me vent my frustrations here.
now, Re: fat people…
I have some personal experience with fat girls. In the past, I’ve done quite the opposite of writing them off. The girl I pursued most recently was overweight, but I wasn’t concerned with that because she was so far the only 20 year old girl I’d ever met who enjoyed discussing serious literature, knew some history and philosophy and politics, and was basically good for the type of engaging conversation I prefer to indulge in. Other girls I’ve met surely could discuss those things, but often tend to prefer having more casual discussions. I figured if a girl was actually seeking me out to have enjoyable conversations, that maybe I’d try for something more than just friendship. Well, she turned me down with a series of lines that is better suited to a TV sitcom (i.e. “it’s not you, it’s me” and “i’m just not ready for that type of relationship”). When I prodded further it became clear that she was still clinging to the hope of being with one of my fraternity brothers (service fraternity, not social), even though he had told me just the prior night and anyone else who would listen that he had no interest in her that way. So I actually actively pursued a relationship with an overweight girl last year for reasons other than asthetic beauty.
However, in general I do prefer smaller girls. but I still find that I would just prefer holding a girl in my arms and actually having that sense of being the “big tough guy.” That’s not entirely a weight thing, because height is the first thing I look at, but there it is.
BTW, for those who’ve apparently missed some of the “fat” threads over the last year, I myself am overweight, I most emphatically don’t hate fat people, and I quite understand what it’s like to be fat with all of it’s derivative consequences and social impact. I merely don’t find large people physically attractive, the fact that I myself am larger doesn’t change that. As I recounted earlier, I did indeed endeavor to look past that with a girl I liked, so I’m not being callously judgmental about it.
Re: “fat or psycho” remark
Suppose upon graduation I go into the public defender’s system. I hope that my first case is not a murderer or an armed robber, those would be tough cases to draw. So, have I just equated murder with armed robbery? Only in the sense that they both are cases I don’t want to have to defend when I have little experience. Between the two, I would still far prefer to defend the armed robber as opposed to defending the murderer.
I would not want to end up with a girl I didn’t find attractive, nor would I want to end up with a pyscho girl. Am I necessarily saying that those are exactly equal? No. In fact, if you look at the whole context of my post, you’ll see I was pointing out my fear of being exploited by some manipulative woman because my lack of experience would make me naive and my low self-esteem would make me feel lucky to have anybody at all and thus I’d be controllable. So sorry if you read my remark to mean “fat=psycho”, I wasn’t attempting to declare them ultimately equal.
Re: the boob incident itself
This girl has been dating one of my old service fraternity brothers (Kappa Kappa Psi, national band service fraternity, I was a marching band guy) for about 3 years now. He was right there, and quite clearly didn’t care, in fact he encouraged her to show them. Possible reasons she showed me her boobs…
A.) She admitted she’d been drinking since 4pm.
B.) She and her boyfriend are into the swinger’s scene and are generally pretty sexually open. (They’re into the “responsible adult open relationship” sort of swingers scene, the one with interviews to join a mailing list and all that.) They left the party at 2:30am to go to a strip club together, at her insistence. So she was just a fun-lovin’ flasher.
C.) She just really wanted those strands of beads we had hanging around at this party.
So, I wasn’t passing up an opportunity with the boob incident. Rather it just served to remind me that my friend has an exciting sexual relationship with a fun and pleasant young girl, whereas I have nothing.
Re: suggestion of getting involved with something meaningful
I have lost a little weight this semester, but I’m still a good 30 pounds or so above weight for the Navy. I have been interested for some time now in the JAG office as a career option, either Navy or Army, and I think that would satisfy me to have a job that meant something. There’s still the matter of making weight though.
I think that realizing and reaffirming to myself the common sense knowledge that my friends won’t be around forever like we are now, that things and people will change in the coming years, has made me realize that I have clung too long to this one place. Not a great or insightful observation, but nonetheless one that I had been ignoring. I could stay in Columbia forever, but all the people I’ve enjoyed spending time with these past 7 years here aren’t going to keep themselves in place just for my continuted amusement. Tars went off to California, NPavelka went back to STL, and slowly but surely all my pals will move away or start families. I’m no longer afraid of going out into the world to find something new.
But the light of day ultimately makes me no more optimistic than I was last night, for failure begets failure as many have pointed out. I feel like the person in Aimee Mann’s song “Momentum”, realizing that I want to change things about my life but having a tough time getting over the hump and actually doing something about it, as she sings “condemning the future to death so it can match the past.”
Anyways, sorry about the length, but there it all is.
