She won’t think I’m desperate when I court the other teacher.
Now do I sound desperate?
Yep. And mean and petty as well.
You are obviously obsessed with this woman and are acting like a stalker. Let it go already. :rolleyes:
Another vote for “you’re sounding desperate and needy”. As Elaine on Seinfeld said: “When you’re trying to get a little squirrel to come to you, you don’t want to make any BIG SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.”
Woah, dude, now you sound creepy… Seriously.
And what 20-something guy in the year 2009 uses the word “court”?
Bolding and bigfonting mine.
Nope. No objectifying women and desperation here. :rolleyes:
Yeah to the above. Desperation is DEADLY. Women HATE desperation, and neediness. There is nothing sexy or cute or attractive about a man who is a big sweaty quivering lump of yearning for a warm place to put it. About as enticing as a dog humping one’s let…Oh, and has been discussed here in previous threads, I do hope you aren’t coming down with a case of the dread disease, Nice Guy-itis. If you are, STOP IT right now. Not only will you be “alone”, you will be “alone” and very bitter over the fact women aren’t buying your niceness…Forget memorizing jokes in order to seem like you have a sense of humor, and forget skydiving in order to seem like you are fun and spontaneous. You are who you are, and trying to be witty, funny, and exciting this way is like putting a pink ribbon on a German Shepard. I think your best bet is to put a profile online at a dating site and see who bites. There must be some women out there who are compatible with your personality type - the question is, are they “good enough” for YOU? That’s the question…Finally, maybe it’s just not your time yet. Some of us spend decades before we find the right one. There’s a lid for every pot, right? Ever notice how many people are married/shacked up, often multiple times, and you don’t know what the attraction is, but they do it? Head cases, drugged out losers, psychos, dim bulbs, the morbidly obese - they manage to hook up all the time. They all have ‘something’ - personality, charm, wit, a sense of humor, a passion for something. If you are a serious, orderly, humorless, hard-working individual, try the online dating sites and find a match and save yourself a lot of time, work, and aggravation.
Fixating on one particular woman sounds pretty desperate to me. If it’s somebody you work with, that’s double-plus-ungood, unless there’s an obvious flirtatious subtext between the two of you that you’ve failed to mention. Even then, it’s almost never a good idea. Date outside the office for awhile before you even think about making a serious effort.
One thing that I’ve found helpful is to get a best female friend who:
a) Is a knockout
b) Is unavailable
c) Uses me as her male emotional sounding board
d) I have absolutely no interest in having a relationship with
e) Is attracted to me
I know I’m playing with fire, but the friendship has really helped me become more natural in my interactions with other cute women. I’m a naturally funny guy, but I’ve suffered from self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember, and I have a tendency to go a little brainless around very attractive women who I’m interested in.
Hanging out with my friend helps me get accustomed to acting naturally around attractive females. Plus, she offers occasionally useful advice, and since she’s a shameless gossip, she knows exactly which other attractive females in our larger social circle are single at any particular time.
DO NOT follow my advice if you are at all disposed to Nice Guy Syndrome. I know my friend’s nuts, and I’m in absolutely no danger of falling for her.
I think you’d be going against your own personality to be something you’re not, and will you really be comfortable having to keep that up? It would make me really uphappy to put myself in that situation to bag some guy.
Well, I actually DID when I was 29 but certainly wouldn’t do that again. And yes, he was poor. But he was hot and talented and sexy and I was young and stupid. I was going to get the guy that all the other gals wanted. I wonder if they will take him off my hands?
Yeah, I have to agree. No offense, but after three posts, the OP sounds kind of tool-esque.
People have all sorts of self-help tricks, pick-up routines, empty advice like “be confident” (WTF does that even mean?) and other advice to somehow modify who and what they are in order to pick up women.
Here’s my advice.
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Embrace who you are.
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Go to where women are.
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Casually talk to some of them.
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If it is going well, ask one of them out.
Let’s examine some of your posts so that you might understand how you might want to not appear so pathetic:
Okay female dopers. I SUCK at getting a date.
Well, right off the bat I can see how women would want to be with the guy no other woman wants.
I don’t think I am a bad person, and I’ve mostly solved the emotional crap in my life.
Ok…issues. I’ve red highlighted the terms people actually heard.
** I am a decent person (a school teacher) who has a stable job, is relatively intelligent, likes to go out and have fun, and is a musician to boot. **
First of all, school teacher is what you do, it doesn’t necessarily make you “a decent person”. Already you are starting to get into “nice guy language”. “Hey, I’m a likable guy. Why doesn’t anyone like me?” Logic would dictate you are not as likable as you think.
Just tell people what you do and what you like and let them make their own judgements.
**I am a little overweight but not much. I do exercise regularly. **
Again, why tell people how fat you are? Just tell people you like to stay fit.
I think I am OK looking, probably not hunky as some, but decent. I have a nice car too (hooray for that!)
Unless that car is a 911 Carrera, no one gives a crap. Basically you just described yourself as fiercely “average”. By the way, your Mazda 3 is dangerously close to being a “chick car”.
Why the hell can’t I get anywhere!? I have tried…and try…and continue to fail.
Unless you are a virgin, look at what has worked in the past and what hasn’t worked.
I sent her a burned DVD of a movie I thought she would like. Nothing too crazy. She’s planning on watching it she tells me, but who knows. It was subtle enough that no one else around would know what was going on.
Ok, that’s just dumb. First of all, it’s right up there with a “mix tape” which is like a 5th date thing…in high school. Second, why would you send her a movie instead of inviting her to hang out and watch a movie with you.
**I have had personality problems which has led me to lead a single life my entire life. Anxiety, weight problems, you name it I had it. Most of those problems are solved. I feel much more confident and in control of myself now. **
They don’t sound very solved to me.
And then later you go into some borderline psycho talk that other people have commented on already.
Also, coming up with a laundry list of things you do as if you were filling out a college application doesn’t really attract women (unless one of those things is maybe playing guitar for Fall Out Boy, shopping for Hamptons houses or being Derick Jeter). It sounds like you are trying to impress instead of finding things to do together.
I’m not trying to come down on you or anything. But if you think I’m being hard on you, imagine I’m a girl meeting you for the first time evaluating whether you are worthy of giving up the booty to. Woman can be maddingly critical. And with good reason.
And I have to say, being “fun” and “having a sense of humor” does go a long way. So maybe my advice is stop overthinking it. Just go around and have a good time with people and it will sort of work itself out.
I like this advice (well, the advice to go for the friendship. Finding a hot gossip to spend time with you is a task in itself). There is something comforting about a guy who has close female friends. I know he probably gets relationship advice and that hes going to see me as a human rather than an alien or something to put on a pedestal.
Oh and I don’t give a shit what a guy drives and have literally never heard a single girlfriend comment on a man’s ride (except once when one remarked ‘Wow, he really, really wanted me to see what he drove’ when he insisted on picking her up). I don’t even quite know what a ‘chick car’ is. Something small? Something that sucks? Something car salespeople can awn off on dumb chicks? Honestly, guys’ cars are like diamonds– yeah, maybe some women care a lot about them, but they’re in the minority and pretty easy to spot. The rest is a marketing myth.
I took this as a stab at humor. If it was serious, then it’s an awful idea. Moving right on to the woman at the next desk sends the message that what you’re primarily attracted to in them is simply their proximity. I.e., “you’ll do as well as the next woman.”
Humor can be a tough thing to carry off, because it’s easy to sound artificial or awkward. Don’t try to tell jokes as such. Just try to be a person who can chuckle at life’s little absurdities, instead of getting angry.
I would tend to disagree with those who have said not to aspire to someone who’s out of your league. I see too many couples of mismatched attractiveness to believe that this should be a strong barrier. At its worst, it could leave you trying to determine whether a particular woman is sufficiently homely to be in your league, and that’s not inspiring. However, if you get turned down by a beautiful woman, don’t snarl to yourself about how stuck-up she is.
In general, I would echo Diogenes’ advice. Think of women as people, not as mysteries. Get to know them a little bit, listen to them, and show them that you have conversation, knowledge, and personality worth sharing.
Yeah, Today’s Woman doesn’t care much about cars. And a stable job is not considered a plus, but rather a prerequisite. “Not bad looking” is also not a plus. The women you’re trying to score with may be indifferent to you because they can’t identify anything to base an attraction on.
Some guys have it easy because they look good and have the confidence that goes with a looking good. Some guys score in spite of mediocre looks because they have a certain intrigue about them. Humor, a sense of adventure, strong social skills, a “cool” talent (bragging about playing the tuba, for instance, will only yield so much). Guys who have prestigious jobs (e.g. physicians) also have an advantage.
Guys who don’t have these pluses can still find women. Just not the kind of women who are looking for someone to make them laugh a lot or give them motorcycle rides. These women long to say an impressed “wow” or a sincere “really?” at least twice in a conversation, not a bored “hmm hmm” or “that’s nice”. But there are plenty of women that aren’t looking for lust and fireworks, and would be happy to opt for a slow burn. You just have to find them.
I don’t suggest changing who you are to get a date, because it won’t work. If you want to change (and I’m not saying you should), change for yourself. If you can’t find anything about you that is impressive, and you have a problem with that, develop yourself so that you have something to be really proud about. That pride will show in your demeanor and make you more attractive. And even if it doesn’t, at least you’ll be able to get your mind off of loneliness.
mssmith537 is pretty much on point with her post.
Dude, you just need to improve your interactions with women. The best cure for that is to GET TO KNOW as many women as you can. When I say get to know, I don’t mean start talking to women with the hopes of banging them later, I mean making a genuine effort to establish lasting friendships with women. Fuck that friend zone shit. If you find yourself in such a position, it probably wasn’t going to happen anyway. But guess what: now she can introduce you to her female friends. And then those girls can introduce you to their friends. For one thing, this increases your chances of meeting a women with whom you have a mutual attraction. But even more importantly, by getting to know a variety of women and spending time with them, you learn how to interact with them.
You mentioned you’ve had some problems with anxiety. This has obviously impaired you somewhat in developing certain social skills. That’s perfectly all right; you just have some catching up to do. Just get out there and meet people. If you need sex in the meantime, just masturbate or call an escort or something.
A similar situation as the OP but different in ways. I’m not going to start my own thread on the same topic so if its not specific to people that are in the same situation I am in just skim right over… I don’t want to hijack but a few pointers to anyone in a situation that is similar but different may help out the whole thread.
I’ve read through and gotten advice similar to everyone that’s posted so far.
I dress better than I used to back in college when I had no money… That’s good, I guess. Nothing much else on the visual side of me… A little bit skinny but by no means completely skin and bones. Average size, 5’7".
I live in a small town. Not so small where there’s nobody, but small enough where the local college scene is a lot of people and a lot of them are in a mindset of random hookups (enough of that, had a few and just don’t see the point) and not much else.
I work. All the time. Well not all the time, but 3-11 shift at a nursing home. My life is work by default. I have nothing else to do… And the time I could spend elsewhere I sleep or run errands or somesuch. The only real social interaction stuff is bars, really… And I hang out at a couple here and there but not all that often. Besides that… Live alone. I stay up late (like tonight) often and sleep in until work because this town just doesn’t have a whole lot to offer for social interactions. I know I could go hang out at other places but what am I going to do? Go wander around the library or the mall before work with nothing to do? pfft…
Again… work. Its all I do. People think its nice and sweet… Not that I’m working there to pick up girls. I just like what I do and am completely the “nice guy” they met. I love the work I do and I love helping the residents I work with. Its just me. Most of my interaction is with people in the 80+ years range… I just like what I do.
I have a goofy sense of humor and like quieter scenes… Relaxing, low key, coffee shops, bookstores, just walking. I have a hammock in my house for the fun of it.
And all in all I’ve had 3 relationships since high school and beyond. I’m 23… dated a girl from junior year of high school until freshman year college and then two couple month long relationships in the four years beyond that. People my age just seem to want to have random hook ups or just fling relationships for a month or two until they find something better.
No idea what I’m doing wrong… Its not that I’m messing anything up… There’s nothing to mess up. I just work and do not much else in this small town and work work work… and hang out at a couple dead coffee shops on my days off. that or I just stay home.
Meh, sorry for the hijack. Figured it might add to something if there were some other issues that other people who had no idea what they were doing wrong could check in.
You’re young. You’re in a field where you can get a job anywhere.
So move. Seriously.
Either that, or start dating waitresses and bartenders, because their social lives usually start after 10PM. That’s why my most recent rule is “No more waitresses or bartenders. Or strippers,” because I work in the morning.
…supply of addictive drugs, over-bearing personality, violent streak, talent with emotional blackmail - the list goes on.
Damn good advice Black Rabbit… I’ve been thinking about that one roughly for a couple years but never did it because I’ve been it what I do and felt comfortable doing it. But you know what? I could do what I do somewhere else.
I think that this is spot-on. People don’t start out being interesting and can’t fake it for long. People become interesting by doing things that they love and/or do well, and getting out and doing those things is a great way to meet like-minded people. Local sports teams, cooking or craft classes, book clubs and dog parks are good places, and there are always unlimited volunteer opportunities.
A sense of humor is high on my list of must-haves. I don’t judge it by how someone tells jokes, I judge it by how easily they can laugh at themselves. It’s a turn-off for me if someone takes themselves too seriously to be able to handle a little teasing when they goof something up.
First of all, when I went back to my ten year high school reunion, the captain of the basketball team was married to his high school sweatheart who he had been dating as long as I’ve known him. So basically he’s been in one relationship and he’s a lot cooler than you (or me for that matter). I know other guys who constantly date random women and they are totally unhappy. So numbers don’t mean anything.
Second of all, yeah. Most kids your age or younger are not looking to settle down and get married. Go out and just have some fun.
Finally, as **Black Rabbit **said, move somewhere where there are actually women. It’s a little hard to develop “game” if you live somewhere where there are no women and no social life. You end up spending your days watching TV or hanging out with a couple of your buddies in a bar drinking and not talking to the girls who aren’t there.
Really the “secret”, such as it were, is to have fun. Going out and meeting girls should not be looked at as a chore. Some of you people seem to approach it with all the enthusiasm of a job hunt.