Okay women...school me!

In My Humble Opinion
101

So in this day and age, I can’t even make small talk with someone before asking her out? How would she know if I am interested if don’t even say “hello” By your logic I should just find some random woman on the street and ask her out. Maybe I’m just old fashioned but I would hope to know SOMETHING about someone before I ask them out.

By going well I meant that we had good conversation. Is that not at least one of many possible good signs? If she was a raving control freak I probably would have moved on.

I’m not fixated, but it’s an idea at least. And I won’t feel crushed, I’ll just move on. Have I already posted that? If it’s not in this thread it’s in the other one.

102

I have a difficult time even getting to that point, i.e. getting to an actual date. On the occasions that I do, I generally don’t talk much about myself–to a point of fault–and my general approach is to ask questions about her. I don’t think I’d ask the type of questions you’d suggest on a first or second date just because I wouldn’t be comfortable answering questions like that myself. (I tend to avoid questions about family or experiences growing up for the same reason, though I’ve tried to get more comfortable in revealing things in that vein to friends.) Back when I was in relationship, a lot of our conversations tended to be centered around word play and puzzles, or discussing films and books, or other intellectual pursuits, not really small talk. I suspect part of the reason she broke up with me was because I was so awkward with her friends and other people.

That doesn’t seem to be as fertile a field as it ought. For one, many of my friends (and thus their friends) are significantly (10+ years) younger. Another is that some friends themselves just aren’t that social or don’t work in fields that offer good dating opportunities. I have a couple of friends who keep claiming that they have women that I should meet but that never seems to pan out, or when it does, it’s a complete bust on both sides. And I’d feel awkward about actively soliciting friends to find dates for me and about the social repercussions if it goes poorly; I’d rather date outside my normal social circle just out of a desire to keep that compartmentalized from all the things that are already working in my life.

I know that all of this are my own issues, not everybody else’s’ unwillingness to bend to my peculiarities. I know people just go balls-to-the-wall headfirst into dating, making mistakes right and left and not worrying over the consequences, treating it all as a learning experience. But when I’ve tried to do that it just seems to go as badly as I could imagine or worse, both the real fallout from my mistakes and my own internal frustration and anger at myself about things not going well or walking away with anything positive from the experience. Anyway, I’ll stop hijacking the o.p.; I just wanted to point out that its not just a matter of nutting up and doing; there is also a requisite level of aptitude invovled in even getting in the door, and if you aren’t there and haven’t had the models or coaching to develop that, it is really difficult to make up for it on your own.

Stranger

103

All I’m going to say is for you to go nuts and pick apart every single detail I wrote is over the top. I run for cancer, I teach children how to play musical instruments because I am not money hungry. I am not the person you paint me to be.

I am coming here looking for advice. I like some of the advice I am getting, but predatory attacks really help no one. When you say my personality problems aren’t solved…you can shove it. I have licked depression, and have lost 50 pounds of excess weight. I now rarely have social anxiety. I have lots of close friends, and I understand that the most important things in life are taking care of people around us. Do you think I am really that messed up?

I asked her to watch the movie, she wasn’t into it. Maybe it was a bad call to send the dvd to her, but I’m learning. Yeesh, were still friends so it can’t be that bad. We were chatting on Facebook last night.

You know just because I am currently not in a relationship doesn’t mean I haven’t solved problems. Last year I contemplated ways to commit suicide and was taking anti depressants for awhile. I haven’t thought that way in a year.

So no I am not perfect. I am here trying to learn to help better my life. The time you spent picking me apart makes me think you have a serious superiority complex going on. Why don’t you go deal with that?

Maybe I look pathetic in this thread, but if I learn something from it, so be it. I’d rather learn than live the status quo for the next 50 years. PS, my boderline pyscho talk is a result of bad phrasing combined with the impersonality of text on the internet. Relax.

104

Personally I think it is also putting the cart before the horse. You gain confidence from success, not the other way around, and it isn’t really something you can fake.

105

I haven’t read all the replies to the OP, so others may have brought this up. Stop trying and get moving. Stop focusing on finding someone and live and participate in activities you enjoy. (In other words, you’re trying too hard.) I know you can’t completely put it out of mind, but don’t go into anything with the sole purpose of finding a woman. While you’re enjoying life and exploring your interests, that’s when you’re most likely to encounter someone to whom you’re attracted, and who’ll be attracted to you.

106

Honestly, that’s a much better idea than asking out a coworker in a professional environment, and far less likely to result in heartbreak and/or unemployment.

Dude, it’s a good sign in the same way that making pleasant small talk with a male coworker is a good sign. It means that they have basic social skills, and that’s it.

Regarding what msmith537 said, well, “They don’t sound very solved to me” was kinda outta line, but he didn’t really say anything different than HoboStew did in post 15. And they’re mostly right on.

To recap:

[ul]
[li] 99% of women could care less what kind of car you drive, though keeping the interior relatively clean is a plus.[/li][li] Be funny.[/li][li] Be outgoing. Or learn to fake it.[/li][li] Dress decent.[/li][li] Unless she’s really in to musicians or really hates sales guys, she probably doesn’t care about your job, as long as a) you like it, and b) it puts food on the table.[/li][li] Be funny.[/li][li] Have an interesting hobby.[/li][li] Be funny.[/li][li] Unless it’s immediate, obvious, mutual, undying love, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM WOMEN AT WORK.[/li][/ul]

The sense I keep getting from your posts is “I’m not overweight and suicidal any more. Why the hell aren’t they falling into my lap?”

107

I guess the only reason I work the job I do is because its along the field of stuff I enjoy and the shift is the only one that was readily available two years ago when I started… And now I’m kinda running lots of things on my shift so I’ve stayed there…

Seems like there arn’t a lot of places to go to meet people before work… The two coffee shops in town have kinda become central locations of AA member hangouts and people going through business meetings related to pyramid schemes and such… There isn’t a whole lot of people just hanging out to hang out… that whole scene has kinda driven people away from that. And there arn’t many “hang out” places besides that.

I think I just need another town.

108

I suppose. But then again, I don’t necessarily need to have my mind blown by every person I meet. Sometimes I just want to chat with someone, not question the origins of the universe. Of course, maybe I’m the freak. Fortunately thanks to relativity, we will never know :smiley:

109

I hear you. It’s tough to make big changes for something new, when your current routine is working well enough to keep you content. I’ve certainly been in that same situation. That’s amusing about the coffee places.

110

To echo some of the other posts here, there are as many types of women as there are women. I’m a woman. I generally don’t care much about looks, clothing, hair, car, or income. I may find some men physically appealing, but not necessarily want to date them.

I know it sounds like a bowl of hogwash to some men when women say “just be yourself” but it’s the truth. I have loved men who were not handsome, not particularly well dressed, were poor, had esteem issues, etc. I loved them because of how I felt when I was around them.

I would suggest holding off on any gifts until you’ve established more of a relationship. I concur with other women here who find it creepy to get too much attention too quickly. Treat new dates as friends, not love interests. Think of it as hanging out with a new friend instead of a job interview- where it is your job to impress.

The more dates you go on the better the chance one will click. You are not a failure if the interest trails off after a number of dates. It just means she’s not that into you. Ever think of asking one of these women why it’s not working out? Just be aware that if you ask and expect honesty, it may mean you hear something you might now have wanted to know.

111

Appologees if I came across as harsh. But he is talking about being anxious and overweight a lot.

I assume everyone is trying to pick me up.:smiley:

112

The problem is that “being yourself”, you might not be interacting with women in such a way that they notice you or know that you are interested in them. Basically, you might just need to “be yourself”, but also put yourself out there a bit more.

113

The overwhelming majority of the fat people I’ve met had major anger issues and very low self-esteem. I don’t imagine that these problems magically fix themselves when a person loses weight…

114

I thought I made it pretty clear I’m not expecting anything to magically happen for me. I mean I was hoping to say that there have been people with my problems that have managed to get somewhere, even though I haven’t. So I understand the fault lies mostly with me. I’m not complaining, I want to fix things.

Maybe it’s a bad idea to pursue someone at work. I certainly felt more awkward about it today when I made some small talk with her. Maybe people are right and I am setting my expectations too high. But if I don’t try I won’t learn. But I think she is interested. She’s made some remarks about me, and apparently she sent me a silly note with one her kids to my class just for fun today (the damn kid didn’t give it to me though so I found out after the fact :slight_smile: ) Maybe it’s flirting, maybe it’s not. I thought I also caught a couple of glances at our staff meeting last day.

And seriously I jest about my car. Yes I think it’s cool, but of course it’s just a piece of metal with wheels. Can’t I have a little fun with that? Who doesn’t like to feel a little pride in their car?

I think one of my biggest problems is I am funny and outgoing when I am relaxed. I begin to think too much when I meet someone I am interested in. I guess it’s just trial and error. Hopefully I’ll get over it with practice.

115

PS, for the record I am 10 pounds overweight, and am training for a marathon.

I have lost 4 pounds in the last month. I expect to be in good shape in 1-2 months.

My life is an open book.

116

My good female friend had a very hard time meeting men after college because she lived in a very small rural town, and worked at a job where she only ever encountered girls and their mothers (like a ballet teacher, for instance) found her now-husband on Match.com. Another friend who also lived in the same small town met some nice guys, no future husbands or anything, but it was an overall good experience.

117

I’d go further. Women can’t stand the first sign of loneliness in a man. They want someone whose social fitness is at least equal to theirs.

If being alone is really that intolerable to you, you are going to have to find ways to beat it without involving a woman, or else youre going to have to repress it like hell every time you’re around them.

118

Hey, how you doin’? :wink:

119

I don’t mean to be a downer, but the above sentence reminded me of this great poem by Konstantinos Kavafis

I don’t necessarily agree 100% with its message, but it does have a point

And now, back to the regular discussion…

120

Isn’t this the case on both sides? Desperation and neediness in women are a huge turnoff for men too.