What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass and moved on.
What’s got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
What kind of toys do psychiatrist’s children play with?
Mental blocks!
What do you call a chicken who crosses the street, rolls around in the dirt, and crosses back to the other side?
A dirty double crosser!
What’s brown and sits by a piano?
Beethoven’s Last Movement
How do you make a dead baby float?
Take a big mug of root beer and add 2 scoops of dead baby.
What’s red and silver and runs into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What’s red and falls out of trees?
<spoiler>Monkey miscarriages</spoiler>
(this one makes ‘dead baby’ fans cringe, for some reason.)
What’s the difference between a search for a golf ball and Lady Godiva?
The first one is a hunt on a course.
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Tuba.
Tuba, who?
Tuba toothpaste!
(this one was hi-larious when I was 3)
What’s brown and sits next to a tank?
Gomer’s Pile
What’s brown and solves mysteries?
Scooby’s doo.
How many Harvard boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. He just holds still and the universe revolves around him.
How many Harvard girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
That’s Radcliffe, that’s women, and that’s not funny.
How can you tell the WASP family at a Chinese restaurant?
They’re the ones not sharing.
What do you get when you cross a WASP with a gorilla?
I don’t know, but it doesn’t want your kind moving in next to its cage.
Seen on a string-cheese wrapper: How do we know bees have televisions? Because they have antennas!
That is probably one of the worst, if not the worst, jokes I have ever heard.
What did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall?
DAMN!
What’s red and green and spins at 100 mph?
Frog in a blender.
((sorry!!))
BTW: does anyone have a list or a link to the old elephant jokes?
Like:‘How do you know that an elephant is in your refrigerator?’
Thanks
No, but I know the answer – “by the footprints in the cottage cheese.”
twickster47
‘by the footprints in the butter’
you can’t see footprints in cottage cheese. It’s too wet!
Tasteless Alert
What’s worse than ten babies in one bucket?
One baby in ten buckets!
(sorry)
Or, one live baby at the botom trying to eat its way out.
;j
Q: How many Virginians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Change it? That lightbulb is part of our heritage.
Umm, sorry, but how does the Spoiler thingie work? All I say is the 1st line of the joke, no punchline.
Sorry to be a dumas…
I don’t have the link, but I remember reading on these boards somewhere, and this is how I remember it:
How do you fit 4 elephants in a Volkswagen?
Two in the front seats, one in the back seat, and one in the glove compartment.
How do you know that an elephant is in your refrigerator?
There is a set of footprints in the butter.
How do you know that two elephants are in your refrigerator?
There are two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know that three elephants are in your refrigerator?
The refrigerator door won’t close.
How do you know that four elephants are in your refrigerator?
There is a Volkswagen parked in your driveway.
how do you know if an elephan is in your bed?
There’s an “E” on his pyjamas
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Two, but the trick is getting them in there.
What has 75 balls and makes old ladies excited?
- A bingo machine.
Which would you rather be… a bowling ball or a lightbulb?
- It depends on whether you want to be fingered or screwed.
What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
- The Spice Girls.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A Newspaper
What’s black and white and red all over?
A zebra with a sunburn
What’s black and white and goes round and round and round…?
A penguin rolling down a hill
What’s green and red and goes round and round and round…?
A frog in a blender
Here is a riddle
If you are floating down a river and your front tires blows out how many green donuts does it take to make a dog house?
No matter what they say you scream
WRONG a banana this big ~
Then look at them like they are the village idiot ~
STOOGE: All your base are belong to us.
ME: So you stole my subwoofer!
(Say it aloud. Base = bass obviously.)