I have to add.
How do you know when an Elephant is on it’s period?
Your matress is missing and there is a dime on your bedstand
What did Churchill say to his men before the got into their tanks?
“Men, get into your tanks.”
What do you call a child born with a penis and a brain?
Hermaphrodite.
A woman gives birth to identical twin boys, but the couple is so poor that they feel they cannot keep the children; they put them up for adoption, one goes to an Egyptian family and is named Amal, the other goes to a Spanish home and is called Juan.
Many years later, the parents get a letter from Juan with a photo inside and a few words about his life and how he would like to meet his biological parents. The mother mentions how sad it is that they have lost tought with the nice Egyptian family, looking longingly at the photo of Juan, she wonders out loud what his brother must look like now.
The father answers “Don’t be silly, they’re identical twins, if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal”
This is what happens you don’t have much exposure to the Spanish language.
"Huhh? Ju-an? I don’t get it?
[Five minutes I’m slapping my head…]
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
right where you left it.
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put sheet music in front of him
How do you know when there’s a lead singer at your door?
She’s late and she forgot her key.
How many Popes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. (duh)
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the piano player can do it with his left hand.
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he goes thru 5 bulbs before he realizes they don’t push in.
BWAAAA HAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!
A real miser decides to save money when he paints his house. He buys about 1/3 of the latex paint he actually needs and thins it down with water to cover the whole house. Five minutes after he finishes, a thunderstorm rolls up and washes all the paint right off.
The guy runs out in the yard, shakes his fist at the sky and screams, “God, why did you send that storm just now? Why did you do this to me? What do you want from me?”
The clouds part, a shaft of light streams down on the cheapskate, and a great voice replies: “Re-paint, and thin no more.”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the cat fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the monkey
Why are elephants big, wrinky, and gray?
Because if they were small, smooth, and white, they’d be aspirin.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To avoid the chicken shagger.
What’s green then red with a flick of a switch?
Frog in a liquidiser.
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other, “can you smell fish?”
Hear about the magic tractor?
It tured into a field
Why do ducks have flat feet?
From stomping out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From stomping out flaming ducks.
A man and a woman lived by the sea. The woman gave birth to twin sons. One always stared at the sea and the other turned his back to it, so the one who looked at the sea was called Toward and the other was called Away.
The father was a fisherman and when the kids were about 15 years old he decided to take them on a fishing trip. They got in the boat and sailed off. They didn’t come home that night.
The mother waited and waited and finally after about 3 years she saw a boat on the horizon. The boat pulled up on the shore and the father got out but the sons weren’t with him.
“Where are my sons?” she asked. The father explained that Toward had hooked a really, really big fish–so big that when he tried to reel it in, it just jumped out of the water and swallowed him whole.
So the mother is saying “Oh no, how terrible,” and the father adds: “But you should have seen the one that got Away!”
Semi-dirty… not too bad.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was still stuck in the chicken.
And how do you make a cat go woof?
Douse it with petrol and light a match. Wooof!
Why do elephants have four feet?
6 inches is not enough.
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to hold the penis and… Oh God! Did I say penis? I what I meant…
I LOVE THIS JOKE!
Whats green and eats nuts?
- ( drumroll plese )* .
Syphilis!!!
blue_poop rolls on the floor laughing
Ok, I didn’t see anything anywhere about this being limited to one-liners, so if this is too long, feel free to drag me around by my armpit hair.
I can’t say that I am sure where I heard this one, but it is truly awful:
A man is pacing around the waiting room of the delivery ward of the hospital. He is noticeably nervous. You see, everything that could go wrong with his wife’s pregnancy, has. There have been complications from the start, and he isn’t even sure that the child is his.
A doctor comes out of the delivery room and walks over to him.
“She had the baby, and you should come in here, now”
The man gets more nervous, and starts questioning the doctor.
The doctor just tells him that he should just come inside the delivery room.
The man walks into the room and sees his wife. She looks, well, strained.
The nervousness mounts. His wife won’t even look at him.
In her arms is a little bundle, completely wrapped in a blanket.
The man gently walks up to the bundle, and looks at the doctor, who nods in a “go ahead” fashion.
Slowly, carefully, he pulls a corner of the blanket back, and looks at the newborn
Under the blanket, he finds this HUGE EYEBALL. That’s it, just a HUGE EYEBALL.
The man, in shock, raises his arms up and cries “OH LORD, WHAT ELSE COULD GO WRONG!?!?”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Well, for starters, he’s blind.”
And, for my next act, a shorter joke:
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
.
.
.
“You can just keep the tip.”
Whats black and white and black and white and black and white and black and blue all over?
A nun rolling down the stairs.
A photographer walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’d like a shot of Jim Beam.”