I was the first of my friends to turn 18 many, many (okay, 2.5) years ago, so of course I had to rent the porn. We went to “Videos R Us,” the only rental place we found with the infamous black curtain. So I filled out the form, got my temp card, and all was well.
So me, Kenny (who’s gay), and Gladys start working our way to the curtain. We kept getting close, but then we’d freak and go back to the new releases. Finally, Kenny pulled the edge of the curtain back a little, and gestured for me to go first.
Well, I bum-rushed the door like a linebacker and slammed directly into a Rack O’ Porn. Yes, you can just picture it: I bodyslammed a giant, 7 foot tall shelf of porn and almost every video fell to the floor. I fell too, and Kenny barely stopped the entire shelf from crashing into me, but I did get beaned in the head with some pornos, anyway.
Of course, we attracted a LOT of attention. My response: I broke into hysteric gales of laughter. You know the kind - you’re crying, guffawing madly, snorting, snot’s running from your nose, you can’t breathe, and your chest hurts. Kenny and Gladys kept telling me to hush, but there I was surrounded by porn and spectators and I could not control myself. I thought I was going to pass out, I was laughing so hysterically.
The store manager wandered over and started cleaning up, with Kenny and Gladys’s help. They were still not laughing, whereas I just rolled around, helpless to do anything but laugh. Eventually I got control of myself and helped them pick everything up.
After that ice-breaker, we rented “Swinging Singles” and a gay porn for Kenny. The hot young Latin stallion on the cover turned out to be like 55 years old, and the former video was shot in 1970 and had some interested pool scenes.
Anyway, now I own one, left over from an old boyfriend. It’s called “Ravishing Royalty,” and it’s funny more than anything. The actresses have these awful British accents and horrible couture-wannabe dresses. The rocking limo scene is pretty cool, though. There’s an Arab millionaire, an actor in a pirate costume (don’t ask me), the horse trainer dude, two other royal chicks, and a threesome with two dudes. It’s okay, but I’d rather just read the stories in Playboy and use my imagination, ifyaknowwhati’msayin’.
I agree with Pezzy: porn good. It both delights AND instructs. I’m sure John Dryden would be proud. 