(Ooops, “I go back to Italy!” is NOT a punchline, but the last line of a long story dealing with Italian accents. Now THIS is more of a punch line:)
“Hollow, statue?”
“Well, if I’m gonna be impotant I want to look impotant.”
“I’ll have the soup.”
“Well then just make enough for yourself, I’m not coming home for dinner.”
…in Soviet Russia, lines punch YOU!
…and 4 to keep out the Californians who came up to share the experience
Good call.
One more:
“Nope, I’m a frayed knot!”
Pardon me Roy, is that the Cat that Chewed your new shoes?
Buck fifty! Buck fifty! Buck fifty!
You can stay, but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has GOT to go!
A Sprinkler.
And poof! he turned him into a woman.
Should we tell him where the rocks are?
He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.
You call this living?
Oh, Boy! Hev you got the wrong vempire!
“Hi! Where y’all from, bitch!”
“You should have seen the guy here last week with a chicken!”
“What, you don’t like Picasso?”
“Aw - you need a good German accent for that one!”
“Please tell me, what did the chicken do?”
“I don’t think he’s a member of this club!”
“I don’t know about you, but I’m known around Oxford by my face!”
“We’ll call you Dick van Dyke.”
Not very work safe:
“I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.”
“Mark 'em all medium!”
Back to work now!Is that all you do? Bird imitations?
So he turn him into a tampon.
“Shut up and go home Dad”.
“All right all you chicken fuckers, up here on the piano with me!”
Because they can.
No, nurse. I asked you to remove his spectacles.
Ooh, handsoap!
“I SAID, ‘WHAT COLLEGE DID YOU GO TO?’”
Small medium at large.
A Hoosier Daddy.
I don’t know where we’ve been, but you took first place.
So the sheep won’t hear them.
Somebody stop me. I mean really, SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP ME! 
Black Bike!
No, wait, I take that back.
A royal flush beats a pair.
Well, then, 20 Rothmans, please.
Absinthe makes the fart go “Honda!”
The salmon chanted “evening.”
It’s called “Post Increment Cobol by One”
Because DEC(25) = OCT(31)
Ernie, get off my back!
Here’s fifty bucks - paint my house.
Crunch bird? Crunch bird! Crunch bird my ass!
Rosenberg, ice berg, what’s the difference!
No vait a second, it vas a “ham bush”.
I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist.
Then I want you to
SHOOT
that dog!
Whar’s that Indian woman you want me to kill?
Black pepper!
Peter … Peter … the something eater …
Vunce a chicken, now a fish. Vunce a chicken, now a fish. Vunce a chicken, now a fish.
I don’t think I can take 67 more of those.
I’m sorry, Stalin is not the one being punished here.
Coffee break’s over, everyone get back on your heads!
Shhh! They think they’re the only ones here!
Yes - but not in
my
lifetime.
What’s that noise?
How
does
it know?
Go ahead, the dog won’t mind.
Pretend you
like
it!
The guy that gave it to him.
Cube-a
Zen you get the 'ell fucked out of you!
And she screams “Lie to me! LIE to me!!”
There’s always a string attached.
Beat me half to death.
I want you to know what it’s like to finish second.
OK, I’ll stop now. Really. I can quit any time I want to. Any time.
So he drove her to New Jersey.
Fifty sows and bucks.
Not really. Just yesterday, a young woman came in here with athlete’s vagina.
Geese!
She just went over to the bridge, and she walked across.
Rubber balls and liquor.
“I took him out back and showed him.”
I’m teaching him there’s more to farming than f^&king and tearing up fences.
This is the rink manager. There are no fish under the ice here.
Even Pavarotti has to clear his throat.
Monogamy’s okay for the office, but I like a nice oak for the home.