Yeah, I’m all for women having their own social lives separate from their partner (if said partner is not interested in participating) and even hanging out in a friendly way with their exes, but when you had a standing agreement that you would be her ride home, it doesn’t make sense for her to spend the night on someone else’s couch without at least a courtesy phone call. And I also agree that it’s not so much what she did or didn’t do but the fact that she didn’t consider your feelings about it which is the red flag.
Assume she was telling the truth and then ask yourself if the kind of girl who gets totally drunk at a bar and spends enough time talking to her ex that it seems like a good idea to go home with him, rather than call you, is the kind of girl you want to date.
Hell, a five-minute drive is a twenty-minute walk.
And you have kids. You’re going to have enough suspicious bawling and crying for reasons you can’t figure out over strange boys without inviting more in. Your kids don’t need to see that and you don’t need to put up with it.
Life’s too short to date the crazy.
And if you want Scrappy’s short answer to your question, let me take a drink off my pint, enjoy a little Black n, Mild, and then say, “If you gotta ask the question, all you lookin’ for is somebody ELSE to tell you what you already done figured out yourself.”
Why couldn’t the Ex have just dropped her off at home?
I’d say there’s a better than even chance that something inappropriate occurred between this girl and her ex beyond the inappropriateness of her going to his place and staying the night.
It would have been more fun to make her squirm for a bit with some good old-fashioned passive aggressive questioning later “Anybody fun at the bar last night?” “So, where did you go?” “You know, it’s weird… I saw you and your ex at the bar yesterday, how did that happen?” But that’s just the sadist in me. Good job cutting your losses here. Let someone else be her chump.
(1) Even if the spend the night party at the ex’s house wasn’t sexual, it was still intimate I would bet.
(2) I thought the whole point of her calling you was specifically because she might have too much to drink and that you were the back-up ride. IOW - why was she so drunk she could not have stuck to the script and called you instead of going home with ex? I thought that’s what you were there for?
(3) Even if she did nothing you won’t ever trust her completely again so just cut and run.
(4) Alice is right. I got caught cheating and you know what I did when I got busted? I cried. Not because I had been unfairly accused or because I had lost the love of my life. I cried. A lot. Out of relief that the lie was over. From the humiliation of the situation I had put myself in. From the feeling of knowing I had completely screwed up my life for a few rounds of mattress aerobics. But I wailed. When I got unjustly accused of cheating I got pissed. Really pissed. Because I knew I was right and dammit I didn’t do anything wrong!
So there ya go - my 4 cents.
If she had not cheated she would be screaming mad. Even if she had not cheated what she claims she did would be more than enough grounds to cut her lose. Don’t be a chump and take her back man.
Why do you think women are any more likely to behave this way than men?
There was no reason for the girl to prefer to go to her ex-boyfriend’s house rather than have SHAKES pick her up.
I wouldn’t have said anything at the bar and would have asked later what she did. I would want to see if she would lie to me.
It really shouldn’t matter all that much; if she is going to cheat, then she is going to cheat and it won’t take long for her to accomplish the feat and return home; you will be no wiser. WhY make yourself ill worrying about something that might not have happened and maybe never will? Suppose you marry her and thirty wonderful years downstream, she confesses she had sex with her ex on that particular night? Would you throw away the thirty years of happiness you’ve shared over something that happened all those years ago? Just remember, there are very few things that really matter and most of them don’t matter very much. Spoken as a completely non-jealous, non-possessive, ex-hippie; YMMV.
Dern it, agree with her that it isn’t necessary to lie; you might stray yourself someday.
My first reaction was that she’s irresponsible, probably lying, and a drama queen. Well, ok I still believe that, and you’re better off without her.
I first thought was even though she’s all those things, that you were kind of a dick at the bar.
But that changed for me, and I’ve been here imaging neat things you could have done:
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Sat down with both of them. Say to him and recite all the bad things she’s ever said about him. Order another drink, and tell the beer bringer to put it on their tab. Then turn to the ex, and tell him he’s got equal time, what kind of real crap does he have on her - not counting Friday night.
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Sit with both of them. Sniff around in an obvious way. Lean over and say “dude, you smell like you have nailing her all night, was it as good as you remember?”
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Reach for her phone. Call your phone on it. Answer your phone, turn both off, give her cell phone back, say “yep, still works” then walk away.
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Go all Carrie Underwood on her car.
I thought his response was completely reasonable. He didn’t do anything over the top. She clearly knew what the deal was.
Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic or something, but I’d at least have given her a chance to explain.
On the other hand, what Ferret Herder said.
Been there, dated the crazy and wasted a year of my life. Go find someone who isn’t.
I’ll also vote with those who say it doesn’t matter if she did the dirty deed or not. Going home with the ex, along with everyone else points to, at the very least, some really bad judgement.
You will always wonder where she is and if she’s doing what she says.
Start over.
But not with her.
Q
Yeah I agree, that was more or less a knee-jerk. Actually, I think SHAKES dealt with it much more class than a lot of people.
First of all, out of respect for you I would think that she should chose to stay home some, for relationship’s sake. Or find somewhere you all could go together. I never did understand the whole, sure go out to the bar I trust you line. I guess I’m not that trusting!
Ditch her, she probably wouldn’t have told you what happened. She didn’t call you, her judgment is obviously not that great. She gets trashed at a bar without her boyfriend and goes home with someone else. It will happen again.
I probably wouldn’t have dumped her on the spot, but I agree with the above. Her ex could take her back to his place, but not take her to her own home? The same ex she’s been ragging on? And she turned up with her ex in the afternoon?? So where was she all day?
I also agree that she wouldn’t have started crying if the allegation had been false. She would have been indignant, “How dare you suggest such a thing!”
Even if it had been completely innocent, it was not appropriate (in your eyes and probably those of a lot of other people) for her to leave with her ex and spend the night at his place. You will never be comfortable with the way she structures her social life because you have incompatible ideas of what is acceptable in your relationship. Ultimately it’s not worth the stress.
I’ve been the person in this situation, many years ago. Yes, the ex could have driven her home; she could have called you, etc.
SHE CHOSE to make the decision to go to his place and RETURN WITH HIM TO THE BAR THE NEXT DAY.
You did well. Short and sweet goodbye. The end.
That’s passive agressive? I don’t think it is. Saying “vaya con Dios” at that point seems quite active and perfectly logical IMO. Vaya con Dios, mi vida, vaya con Dios, mi amor…
I can see where it could have been a completely innocent thing and an occasion to take out the trash with him, and she might have intended to mention it to you later. But “possible” is one thing and “probable” is another!
My ex would certainly have cried had she been falsely accused of cheating. Or falsely accused of anything, actually…well even if she had thought someone might be suspecting her or something.
What I mean, of course, is that you can’t assume the OP’s gf would react the same way you do. Not that I have personally any opinion about her behaviour.
So what’d you do, Shakes?
Q