I noticed that my now ex wife was crying when I was hard at it. I asked her "are you crying ? "
She said no, the next five minutes would have been more entertaining using my left hand.
I can be a complete moron about women so ladies, please don’t jump all over me.
Turns out she was cheating on me and that was the beginning of the end for us. We lasted a few more months, but it was obvious to her anyway. I needed to be hit in the head with a shovel to see it.
Now that that’s over can you write me a check for your half of dinner?
You’re way better than your mom.
You’re not quite as good as your mom.
Huh. Shouldn’t have bought the generic condom. I didn’t give you my card, did I?
Did that burn for you too?
Hah! fooled you. I’m a guy.
It’s eerie how closely that resembles an actual experience. 
As soon as I submitted the reply I thought oops. I’m sorry. 50/50 chance and I get burned.
I’m slightly smarter than I look.
Even better -
“That was it? grumble Well, I suppose I owe you a refund then.”
I don’t think this is opinion so much as smart-ass remarks.
Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS.
Frank really takes his work home with him. :eek:
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Bolt upright and be real still and say, “Did you feel something?!”
When he says, “No”, say, “Yeah, me neither.”
Now, thanks to you, the seed of the great Xenovian Empire with continue to flourish.
“Normally I like to drink a glass of water, not fuck it.”
You know, Matt, I really think I like girls more.
I know I’ve mentioned this before. I’m still bitter.
Real example from last week:
“You’re lucky you didn’t order the lamb pie”
Nothing like regrets over three-hours-ago’s dinner order as a choice for post-coital cooing.
mm
Well, it wasnt something I said, per se.
I was moving into a new apartment, and the whole place was being renovated. The bedroom was done, air-conditioned, and the bed was in place. No curtains, though.
We’re in the middle of a mind-numbingly good marathon session, and she looks out the floor-to-ceiling sliding windows and the following conversation ensues.
“Eek! Someone in the building across the road could see us!”
“No babe, the windows are tinted, and we have the lights off.”
“I’m telling you, they can.”
“Cannot.”
“Can too.”
“Ok,” I say, disentangling naughty bits and getting off the bed, come out into the balcony and see."
So, she gets of the bed, wraps a duvet around her, and comes out. As she steps out into the balcony, I slide the window shut behind her to prove to her that we’re protected from prying eyes.
Click.
Whoops.
“Umm…”
“What?”
“You’re not going to believe this…”
“What? What?”
“We’re locked out.”
“WHAT?”
So she tugs at the windows frantically for a few minutes, getting more panicked with every passing second, cursing her luck that her doofus boyfriend has locked them both out of the house stark naked, four floors up in a balcony. I, meanwhile, am sizing up the scaffolding thats running around the building.
“Hold tight, I’ll be right back.”
“WHAT?”
So I make like naked Tarzan onto the scaffolding, four floors off the sidewalk below, and actually monkey my way around the side of the building, naked, past my neighbor’s open windows, without any harness, to another bedroom in my apartment, prise the window open, climb in through it, and calmly walk in to the original bedroom and let her in.
“Ouch!”
“ARE YOU CRAZY?”
“What?”
“You’re fucking insane! You could have gotten killed! And I would have been left there naked in your fucking balcony!”
“So what you’re saying is that you had a better plan?”
What ensued was the best sex I have ever had to this day.
You win.
Um…after reading…Sniperfang also wins.
“There. That ought to hold you for a while.”
One of my friends, who’s an anime dork of the highest order, claims to have once ended a session of bad sex halfway through by standing up, saying “Fuyutsuki, handle the rest of this.”, and walking out.
(note, may not be funny to anyone who has never seen Evangelion. Or even to people who have.)
“So, you’re OK with the whole genital herpes thing, then?”
“Oh! I didn’t even know you were here!”
inspired by my glancing over the cubicle divider a moment ago and discovering that my colleague had arrived and sat down, 5 feet a way, and I didn’t even notice!