I wish my cat had more, sharper claws to sink into my bare thighs when he jumps on my lap while I’m sitting on the toilet.
I love when spaghetti sauce drips onto my white shirt. It’s great that I’ll never get it out
The sexiest thing in the world is a stranger who has spaghetti sauce stains on their shirt. I immediately feel intense desire for them, regardless of age, gender, or any other characteristic they possess.
Why is it whenever I require a tool, the correct one is always conveniently available?
“Being an executor is surprisingly simple.”
Dang, I wish my dog would bark earlier and more often at all the animals that pass through our back yard every night.
Oh, goodie, it’s snowing! I LOVE driving in a winter wonderland!!
-“BB”-
“Oh, boy! There’s a new edition of Windows.”
I wish you guys would drop by more often—I really enjoy reading The Watchtower and Awake.
You know how everybody loves the taste of Jaeger? Guess who just got the patent for a Jaeger flavoured toothpaste? Now you can wake up to America’s favourite frat bro beverage every day! I’ve also got Malört, screech rum and a delicious toothpaste that mixes all three!
I love going to the dentist.
If you want cheap bottled water, your best bet is at the airport.
I really look forward to preparing my tax returns every year.
I put on a few extra pounds lately, and I love it, because it is such a fun challenge to lose weight.
Puts up hand.
I had both a doctor and dentist appointment this week and neither one of them found a single thing that I should cut out, do more of, or get a treatment for.
The guitar solo in that Gregorian Chant was really awesome.
I love shopping for used cars because nothing screams “honest intentions” like a used car dealership. I mean, who wouldn’t trust a bunch of total strangers in cheap suits to have your financial well-being at heart? And it’s just so comforting how they never suggest fancy extras that I absolutely don’t need. It’s basically a nonprofit organization at this point.
Whenever I feel the need to associate with good kind-hearted people, the sort that always have your best interests in mind, try to uplift your spirits when you’re feeling down, and are your biggest supporters and cheerleaders, there’s no need to look any further than the nearest gun shop.
The cyclone won’t affect tonight’s star-gazing.