There is not enough canned laughter in sitcoms. It is always used appropriately.
Why do grocery store brands bother putting all those quality ingredients in their canned food? I’d be content with far worse at the price.
Sneezing always makes my kneecaps fall off.
It wasn’t nearly this messy last time I exploded.
I’m tired of having sexual dreams.
It was only the fortieth car I’ve eaten, and no one ever sent me to Gitmo for it.
Turn the volume up on that Best of Bagpipes record!
It’s okay, he’s alive, Jim.
If you don’t think all movies would be better with dinosaurs, then you support more poverty and oppression of Venusian-Americans.
Hello. Oh! Can you get me on other telemarketers’ lists? I so enjoyed our moment.
Not only does that dress make you look fat, honey, here’s a ticket for an all-expense-paid one-way autogyro trip to Blawnox to show you just how pleased I am.
I feel like dancing. Put on some John Cage.
Yeesh, they’re calling for temperatures in the 68 - 78F range the next couple weeks. No extremes? No blizzards? No 100+ drought days? This totally sucks.
Come quick! The cat is transmuting its poop into gold!
Don’t bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
Hey Look! ‘Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free’ is now part of the official Republican party platform!
They should make bras for cows!!
And the Academy Award for Best Actress goes to… Brad Pitt!
Honey, how about making another one of your delicious carrot and celery Jell-O molds for dessert!
What, the Queen herself is coming over for dinner tonight? Quick, break out the Jell-O molds and run to the store for some more canned chicken!