SDMB Ongoing Depression Support Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
241

Positive vibes coming at you, Ms. Pumpkin. I hope the jerks at payroll can get their shit together quickly. One of my previous employers was able to give out a check in between paydays if something like this happened. Given that it will affect your ability to pay bills, I’d fight for that and fight HARD.

I’m proud of myself for holding off on a meltdown until I was back home yesterday. We went out to celebrate TableTopDay and play games all day with friends. I was pretty overwhelmed by the noise and competitiveness. Some of the people there have no social finesse and will say things that come off as really rude. Usually I can let it slide but I almost stormed out yesterday.

Instead I fell apart at home and told my husband that if this shot at getting pregnant doesn’t work, I’m not doing it again, even if it means we never have kids. I’m not sure yet if I meant it.

242

Ms.Pumpkin, your hours will get straightened out. I know they will. But I know how it feels for one thing to knock you off your rocker and make everything in the universe feel wrong.

For some reason, I’ve been feeling blah all weekend. Little motivation to do much but sit in bed and click on threads. Friday night I did a lot of work to prep my artwork for selling/giving-away on Saturday, and then I chickened out at the last minute. I don’t know what that’s about. My stuff is awesome…I think. I can never be sure. All I know is that I didn’t want to get up on Saturday. I managed to go to yoga, but that was about it.

And now I’m in bed, looking at all the mess in my house. I know I need to clean and that I will feel better doing it, but I can’t motivate myself to get up.

I’m debating whether or not to tell my therapist that I stopped taking my meds. I don’t think my current mood is related, but she’ll no doubt think there is. It would be so easy just not to tell her.

243

That’s the thing about meds though monsto. We tend to not “recognize” their effect. (We need a Hang In There face.)

244

Hey- thanks, everyone. I’m feeling better, today. Could be calmness, could be apathy. I’ll take it either way.

Or maybe it’s all the vibes. Seriously, thank you all.

245

Just came home from Easter dinner with the in-laws ('rents-in-law and aunt&uncle-in-law), and I am absolutely fashed. I love spending time with them all, the conversation and banter are great, the food and drink are great, the mum-in-law hugs are great. But I am in soooooo much pain now that I can hardly move. Why does spending a nice, relaxed afternoon and evening with people wear me out so much?

I’ll have to spend tomorrow recovering so that with luck I’ll be in good enough shape for my next job interview on Tuesday. Extremities crossed for the duration, except when I need to stretch so they don’t cramp up.

246

Seconded Helena330. This is one of the best threads I’ve come across in a long time. It really gives me motivation seeing some of the courage being displayed in the face of such serious situations and my heart goes out to you all. It sounds like a lot of people here could use a fucking break.

However, I’m not really sure a lot of people actually do “care.” Not in this thread obviously, but in real life. It’s clear that there is wide-spread stigma and ignorance surrounding severe/clinical depression. I imagine it’s largely unknown or dismissed by the public at large. Many, many people are quick to refer to others as “lazy,” “selfish,” “stupid,” you name it. These people vote, and often they vote for politicians, on both sides of the aisle, whose sole intention is to cut spending. A lot of the time, services that could be helping those in need are denied. I don’t intend to hijack this thread with any political squabbles and ruin the thread, but I’m just trying to emphasize the point that a lot of people just don’t care.

Case in point - myself. I can’t describe a time I’ve felt more comfortable in my life and I think one of the biggest reasons for that is because of who I am choosing to surround myself with. I think I finally found a solid group of friends who I can depend on, and allow me to be myself. Furthermore, I live alone in my own apartment and I love it. I really think I just needed some personal space to break the tension I sometimes feel when I’m around others.

I don’t want to disparage others but I have to call it like I see it. Although, I truly believe that every person has a passion to learn, create, and help others, at the same time they can have bad character traits that are quite paradoxical. I like to think that ignorance is the root cause of the problem, but sometimes it is sheer malevolence.

While most people are good at heart, they are also highly emotional and reactive which causes them to blame, criticize and sometimes hate others. It often comes down to what is nurtured in a child from an early age. I was fortunate, and had a genuinely good family and lived in a decent neighborhood. Others are not at all. I don’t think the finger can be pointed at anyone in particular. At the end of the day, every one does need to look out for him/herself.

I only started to actually get what clinical depression is all about from this board and I’ll admit I am going through my own struggles. I’m unemployed, have a criminal record, and no license. I won’t get it back until September. Unemployment benefits will run out in the middle of May and I’m not sure what I’m going to do for money. I just recently failed Nursing school and I think it was largely due to stress. Getting back on track is going to be a bitch.

Also, I’m still relatively young at 27, but I’ve never had a steady girlfriend and I continuously strike out with woman after woman. It actually hurts more than anything as I just want someone to love. I’m ashamed to admit it, but having this need go unfulfilled has manifested itself from time to time in some rather disturbing ways.

To top it off, I’m drinking more than I used too, eating worse and not exercising at all. Basically, I’m not making the best choices and am well aware of all the potential inside of me being squandered.

Unlike some others here though, I’m an extrovert. I’m the life of the party these days and have great times. I can make people laugh and my friends and family generally want me around. I doubt they have any idea that I feel like I manage to fuck up everything in my life. I doubt they’re aware of my suicidal ideation, or the fucked up thoughts I obsess over. I would tell them, if they asked. Instead, I’m sitting here lonely, frustrated and afraid. Where are my friends when I need them? How much do people really care?

Sorry this is so long but like I said before this thread does actually give me hope. There is a lot of good advice here. One thing I would add is sometimes just blasting one of my favorite songs and singing the whole thing can really help. This is a good one. Filter - Take a Picture

Tomorrow will be a better day, Dopers. You are stronger than you know.

247

I’ve been ruminating a bit, never a good thing. Since January, I’ve known that I’m recovering from my last bout of depression. Mostly. I’m still having a lot of trouble with inertia and anhedonia. I’m still not doing the things I enjoy (except for reading and eating), and I’m still having trouble making decisions. My big problem, though, is that I feel like, since I’m recovering, I need to start making plans. Where do I want to be in six months, a year, three years? Well, I know I don’t want to be working this job, if only because I know I’ll start hitting burn out in another year. The trouble is, how do I make plans of any sort when I have the specter of another bout hanging over my head. I have crashed and burned multiple times in the last five years, because I have committed myself to something only to collapse under the weight of my depression when it was time to get busy.

I know what you mean. There was a point when I had to tell people that I was struggling with my depression, because I just could not fulfill many of the obligations I’d taken on, and it was a choice between admitting it or having friends and colleagues think I had blown them off for no reason. People were dumbfounded. Phouka? But phouka’s always happy and chipper, making small talk, cracking jokes, and going out of her way to do thoughtful nice stuff, that’s not what depressed people do.

Actually, yeah, that’s what some depressed people do. When other people are around. Because having other people around makes the depression more bearable. But, take those people away, and I subside back into what most people recognize as the demeanor of a depressive.

The thing is, pannacione, they do care. Or they would if they knew what was going on. Even if you’ve told them that you have depression or that you’re currently in a bout, they may not get it, because they don’t have a window into your internal symptoms. Even then, they may feel totally at a loss, because they have no idea what to do, and they won’t have any idea of what to do unless you tell them what you need.

It’s not easy. I know. When you say “look, I’m in the middle of a bout of depression, and I’m struggling to cope with the symptoms,” you open yourself up to the idiots who try to tell you that you just need to be positive, or the clumsy well-wishers who try to remind you that you have it so much better than the less fortunate, or the demagogues who want to tell you how you’re not really sick, it’s just that society has pathologized everything other than happiness in order to sell us pills. But you also open yourself up to compassion, sympathy, and offers of help.

I’ll be honest. I’ve found a great deal more support here on these boards and other places online than I have IRL (with the exception of my mom), but your friends deserve the chance to come through for you. They just need to be told what’s going on.

248

Well, this is new. I’m not sad. I’m angry. I’m pissed off at the entire fucking world and don’t understand why everyone in it is so goddamned stupid. New manifestation of Depression, or am I truly surrounded by morons?

249

Whoever said it can’t be both?

250

HA! Good point. :smiley:

251

It’s both. Sometimes when I get depressed, I feel the same way. This is exactly how I felt yesterday in fact. I felt so alone. I know I’m not that smart, which only makes the feeling worse.

252

All of the reasons I try to be as open as possible about my depression. I mean, I’m not likely to talk to just anyone when I’m going through a depressive episode, but in everyday life I talk about it with same level of casualty as one might discuss having arthritis. For some reason I just feel really compelled to fight against this stigma in every way possible. That is why I am excited for the NAMI-walk (National Alliance of Mental Illness) coming up in May. I want to go out there and walk unashamed. I was thinking of buying this t-shirt for the occasion.

I do have a handful of friends I can count on when I’m going through an episode. My Aunt, because she goes through it too (really when you start reaching out you will find that depression is pretty much everywhere, and probably many of your friends deal with it too.) My Aunt’s symptoms are a lot like mine so we really do find support in one another. With everyone else, I find that when I reach out while I’m depressed, I don’t really want to talk about being depressed. I want to try to get out of my head so much. So I have found that people don’t even have to know about your depression for them to help you with it. Sometimes it just helps to get out of the house and do something for a change.

253

I. Need. That. Shirt.

My depression manifests itself as (or is augmented by) social phobia, so I don’t have many people to be open about my issues to. My favorite response comes from my Dad when I told him I had been diagnosed: “Just don’t be depressed.” :smack: Love ya, Dad, but you are from a different time. (I may have mentioned that response upthread. It actually makes me laugh but that’s just because I know the guy. A stranger uttering those words to me will get a frosty glare and a slap. Not necessarily in that order, either.)

254

I know, some people just don’t get it. That’s one reason it’s a good idea to have a counselor - they do get it, or at least they do if they’re any good at their job. (Full disclosure: I don’t have a therapist right now, haven’t in about a year. I’ve been in therapy for like a decade and I’m at the point where I have a ton of tools to help me, and I’m not sure there’s much left to learn from a therapist. What I have to work on now is just being consistent in using those tools.)

Today is tough. I’m having trouble getting the energy to make food, but of course being hungry only makes me feel worse. I have been keeping myself busy and I’ve still got to go to the park to do today’s workout, I’m just worried I’ll run out of fuel. And it’s one of those days where, no matter what I do, I have this sinking feeling that it’s all for nothing and I am a failure anyway.

255

I found when I did tell people in my church, an individual at a time, it seemed like every damn one of them answered “Oh, yeah, I have depression too. It’s tough.”

uhhhhh . . .

It took everything I had not to pick something up and smack them with it, and that was only because I recognized that there was a very small chance that they were genuinely commiserating. Because, see, when someone tells me that they have depression, my immediate answer is “I’m so sorry. What can I do to help?” I don’t make it about me. If I get a kind of fuzzy answer to my offer, I make it a specific “what do you need help with? Would you like to grab some coffee and talk? Go on a walk? Watch a funny movie to feel better?”

You know, I think that’s why I got turned off of my church. I’m still committed to three more RE classes, either as teacher or assistant teacher, but . . . for a bunch of very intelligent people, they sure have no idea how to talk to someone with depression. >sigh<

256

How demeaning and non-therapeutic is it to have to share a depression thread? The depressed need your full sympathy. Nothing shared.

257

THIS.

Yes, some people who tell you this do have depression, and truly understand and can relate. But a lot of people do not understand/believe that there is a difference between being down in the dumps and having an actual mental/medical condition.

It’s the same with migraines. I get them. I know what they are. And I want to hit people who walk around at work, complaining about their “horrible migraine”, when really they just have a fucking HEADACHE!

Ignorance like that certainly contributes to some people’s attitudes that those of us who are actually suffering are just whiners, malingerers, or attention-seekers. We should just “suck it up and deal with it”. You know, just like they did, when they were sad that one time.

Jeez- I’m awfully grumpy today.

258

Agree that it’s both. Actually, that’s one way I (try to) gauge how mentally healthy I am. The more easily agitated I get, the worse it is. I see myself getting more and more quickly irritated with everything, and I inevitably realize I’m just really not doing so well, in general.

259

It could be either one. Happens to me a lot too. CBT helps me to deal with it a little, but goddamn there are a lot of stupid jackasses out there.

You need food to live. Eat something or so help me I’ll find your address and send you a pizza.

260

I haven’t told anyone besides close family that I experience depression. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to lower that boundary. My moods and feelings (or lack thereof) are very private things, and I just don’t do well putting them to words. If I’m not feeling well, I’ll just say I’m not feeling well and leave it at that. Folks don’t need to know why. But I really try not to put myself in a situation where I’d even have to say anything. I’m very fortunate that I don’t have a micro-manager or excessively nosy co-workers (though I used to) and that I can take sick leave without a doctor’s note. All of these things have been life-savers.

Having a therapist helps to relieve the “bottled-up” feeling. It’s so much easier to put on a happy face throughout the week when you are allotted an hour of “honest” time. I think this is why I worry about what I will do when I have to terminate.