Seeking LDR advice

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hi everyone!

I’ve been lurking for some time now and posted in a few threads, but this is the first “thread of my own,” so to speak.

Anyway, a bit of background regarding my situation.

I met my girlfriend on ‘Omegle’, a popular chat site that connects you with a random stranger. Suffice it to say, 95% (or higher) of the people you will encounter are hardly a diamond in the rough. There she was, shimmering in the sunlight.

We started talking for about 2 months, more or less on a casual level. She was seeing someone near downtown Toronto (she lives in a suburb). Things ended between the two, and I figured I would make my move. Some clumsy and awkward exchanges later, it was revealed that she felt that same way, and we instantly hit it off.

Fast forward ~6 months. We chat/text each other daily from home, our jobs, wherever really. We talk on Skype every other night or so, just for the sake of hearing each other. It really is a solid pick-me-up.

I’ve visited her twice thus far, and both visits were met with wonderful success. Our online chemistry certainly translated very well into an in-person environment.

The problem that we face is that she still lives with her parents. I also do, but I’m 22, fresh out of college, beginning my career with the PA state gov’t. She is 26 and a vet tech. My potential for career growth is likely higher (given the natural progression of pay grades and such), so it will be practical for her to move here. She has agreed to it, but her father is getting in the way.

She cannot financially live on her own, which would effectively nullify this problem. He does not approve of me for one reason or another (probably just the possibility of losing his daughter to another area, hell, another country).

She seems hesitant to confront/discuss it with him, although I’m sure she has tried. They don’t see eye-to-eye on many things, so I’m sure it’s difficult for her to pressure on something so life-altering.

We are having no real issues with the fact that it IS an LDR, given that we maintain constant contact and have no problems with commitment.

Any advice on how much longer things should brew before something needs to be done? Furthermore, any advice on how to approach the situation with her father? I am basically making enough to live on my own financially after 6 months to a year of saving, and that would become even easier with a double income. I have no intention of “giving up,” no matter how long it takes. She’s far too important to me and we connect on the deepest of levels.

Thanks!

EDIT: Typed this at work so no guarantee of clarity

2

I don’t have much to offer you, elnin, except to point out that the first problem would be for her to even be legally admitted to the US as anything but a tourist. I don’t think it’s all that hard, but you can’t assume right out of the box that your friend would be able to get a job here, especially with the economy as it is.

Probably your best bet would be to check out the legal restrictions, and then look into what the job opportunities are for a vet tech in your general geographic area. It sounds like you’re not proposing her moving in with you, and since you’ve only just gotten yourself situated, it doesn’t sound like you can support her in her own establishment at this point. Since her field is not particularly lucrative, it looks like trying to dig up a possible roommate situation would be the best bet.

Your friend’s father’s control of her is first and foremost financial. So deal with that first (by figuring out how she can earn in the US, and how she can become financially independent), and then you may find that he is more receptive to the idea, or that she can at least present him with some real information rather than a vague idea of moving to PA to be near you in order to convince him. Ultimately, it may come down to her choosing between her father and you, which is certainly unpleasant. If it turns out that way, you may want to consider moving to Toronto yourself, even though it means starting your career over.

3

Thank you for the response.

Her being able to legally live here is indeed a concern, but not one of the primary ones. That is certainly minor in the grand scheme of things.

She has saved quite a bit of money living with her folks (she’s been working for at least 5 years, I believe, and most of it gets banked). That would certainly help “cushion the blow” of her moving in with me. I DO intend to have her move in with me. I apologize for not being clear about that. I will have to investigate what work is like for her field around here. I believe that most clinics tend to pay higher for the same type of job in the States, but it’ll need to be heavily researched in any event.

It’s probably partly financial, partly not knowing me or much about me, and partly many other little concerns. I’m kind of perturbed that he refuses to even have an audience with me, simply to verify that I’m not some sort of crazed killer. A simple dinner would do, but I can’t get that far…

She has said that if it comes to the point of going against her father’s wishes, she would be willing to do that. Unfortunate, as you said, but she’s a grown woman and has the ability to make decisions on her own, assuming financial support from not only me but her as well can be achieved.

Me moving there has never really been considered, but it is still a possibility. I would have the experience to possibly land some sort of job for the Canadian gov’t, but as you said, the economy is not exactly friendly right now in either country. Not to mention that “getting in” was quite the bear here in PA. I can’t imagine having to do that over again if the process is anywhere near the same.

4

Yeah, I don’t get it. If she’s 26 years old and allows her father to control her life, is that what you want? A woman-child that you’ll have to continue parenting and finish raising her for her dad?

It’s not a choice between you and her father. It’s a choice to take control of her own life and make her own decisions… or to allow other people to make her decisions and choices for her.

How long should this percolate until something is done? I have no idea. I wouldn’t tolerate this kind of crap from my father for five minutes and I’d never rely on some guy in another country to fix it for me. I can’t imagine why your GF’s personal relationships, job/career choices, or choices of places to live is any of her father’s goddamned business, aside from knowing where to send the Christmas cards. Nor do I see how it’s appropriate for you to get involved in the relationship between her and her father. It’s not your battle to fight. Neither one of you need his permission nor blessing to make whatever decisions you think are best for yourselves.

5

Have you met the father or are you just “some guy on the internet” to him?

6

Speaking as a father, there is something about his opposition I don’t get. You don’t live that far from Toronto - many people get married and move a lot further than that. I couldn’t find where you gave her age, but if she has been working for 5 years she is at least as old as you, and plenty old enough to be leaving home.
Is he religious? Might be be objecting to the prospect of you living together? If you proposed to her, would his opposition be reduced. (I’m not suggesting this, it is way too early, but I wonder.) Why does she think her father objects.

7

"Yeah, I don’t get it. If she’s 26 years old and allows her father to control her life, is that what you want? A woman-child that you’ll have to continue parenting and finish raising her for her dad? "

While I appreciate your feedback, I’d like to say that it’s probably not entirely accurate. She has a full-time job and certainly is not looking for someone to “take care of her.” While it is true that yes, her parents are basically doing that as of now, she is looking to move forward with her life. UNFORTUNATELY, she would find it difficult to survive on her own financially. It would probably be doable if not a sure bet if she were with me (splitting bills, rent, etc).

**It’s not a choice between you and her father. It’s a choice to take control of her own life and make her own decisions… or to allow other people to make her decisions and choices for her. **

This is probably fairly accurate. Like I said, I’m not sure if there’s anything lingering there that is beyond financial matters (perhaps she cares too much to “get up and leave” just yet, etc.)

How long should this percolate until something is done? I have no idea. I wouldn’t tolerate this kind of crap from my father for five minutes and I’d never rely on some guy in another country to fix it for me. I can’t imagine why your GF’s personal relationships, job/career choices, or choices of places to live is any of her father’s goddamned business, aside from knowing where to send the Christmas cards. Nor do I see how it’s appropriate for you to get involved in the relationship between her and her father. It’s not your battle to fight. Neither one of you need his permission nor blessing to make whatever decisions you think are best for yourselves.[/

I completely agree with you. I know my parents have been MORE than supportive on whatever I choose to do, but have assured me that their assistance will be limited if they don’t agree with it. They still let me DO it, though. It’s my job to fall on my face or prosper, and they know that. Different parenting styles aside, I think it’s just as silly as you do, but what can one do?

I didn’t mean for me to get personally involved, moreso what things she can do in order to get the ball rolling, so to speak. I would never presume to fight that battle, as you are also correct that it’s not mine to fight.

8

My father also had the same bewildered look on his face, which resulted in much head-scratching.

They are a very traditional family, but she sees eye-to-eye with him on very little. They are very religious, and she is an athiest (as am I). I don’t think she’s even told him my religious background, so I doubt it has much to do with it. I guess some parents out there are more controlling than others and insist on keeping things tightly knit. I’m at a loss myself, trust me.

I’m not sure how he would react to a down-the-road proposal. Not even the slightest clue. To be truthful, I’m not exactly sure why he opposes so strongly. Her and I discuss it occasionally, but she seldom has very much to say on that front. I trust that she is taking the proper measures, but I’m not usually sure what that includes.

9

No offense towards you meant, but he probably doesn’t want to pick up the pieces if/when this thing doesn’t work out. You guys are pretty young and the stats on people staying together when they get together at your ages are pretty poor. I know that I’d have a HUGE problem w/ my daughter moving in w/ a 22-year old even if she stayed close. Add the “moving to another country” angle and it would make any father even more wary.

10

I completely agree, except for the fact that he won’t even allow her to visit me, or allow me to take them all out to dinner in order for them to get to know me personally, rather than “some guy on the internet.”

I should’ve been more clear: moving in together is not even an option until one of the above 2 conditions can be met. I’m not breaking up her family over this.

11

Er, is she? Does she? I’d understand if she’d lost her job and had to move back in with her parents, or was paying off massive student loans, but if she’s really been living with them rent-free and saving up her pay her finances should be the least of her concerns. Not sure if this is a cultural thing (are her parents are first-generation immigrants from a culture where children don’t move out 'til they’re married?), but if she’s going to move out, especially to a different city, she’s got to do it on her own terms. It can’t just be because she’s into you.

12

Probably not relevant, but her parents are from Malta (as I said, not sure of the cultural properties that holds).

Yeah, I’ve certainly not ruled it out that she’s hesitant for reasons other than finances. We discuss communication and its importance at great length, so I’m not sure she’d keep anything from me. It is, however, the human condition to keep something silent for the emotional sake of another, so it’s not entirely impossible.

It could be a fear thing. I’m not sure how often she openly confronts her father about even the most minor of issues, but it sounds like it could also be a potential roadblock for her. I’m just trying to envision what the conversation would sound like…

“Hey dad, I’m going to visit my friend in Pennsylvania. We have talked for 8 months and I really trust him. If that doesn’t work for you, both he and his parents can come here and we can spend some time together.”

I don’t understand how a question like that could possibly be received with a negative outcome. My guess is that she’s not wording it at all like that, probably something far more passive.

13

There seems to be a lot of stuff you don’t know. For someone who is as “connected” as he claims to be to a grown woman he wants to hitch his wagon to, you people sure don’t communicate very well.

Do not confuse the fairy tale you want for real life you are going to get.

14

True, and I’m definitely not trying to fall into that young, naive trap. “Connecting” is possible with a few issues still existing, as I’m sure you are well aware. We’re young, I’ll admit that, but certainly capable of making this work.

We haven’t had any issues communicating apart from this. I think it’s a little bit of my fault, too. I don’t bring it up/discuss it nearly as often as I should for fear of upsetting her. If she had other reservations, it would be nice to get them on the table so we can go from there.

15

Ah, immigrant parents. Got it. At this point, you should probably keep seeing each other as often as you can, so she and her parents can get to know you as a human being. You should also find out why she hasn’t moved out of her parents’ house yet, at 26 - if she is willing to live her whole life by her parents’ rules, it’s not going to end well for your relationship, I think.

16

Well, I’ll likely be scorned for this, but I visit unbeknownst to her parents. They know of me and I’m sure she has described me, but they still haven’t met me :frowning: I’m trying to get to that point. I’m sure they’d both be far more accepting of me if they can see that I would treat their daughter with love and respect.

Couldn’t have said the 2nd portion better myself. It’s basically her decision to hunker down and start making decisions on her own. You can show a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink…

17

The woman is 26 years old. Well beyond the age that her father’s wariness should be a deciding factor in her life’s direction.

18

Any possible cultural implications aside, I agree with this. I’m leaning towards the idea that there is something else going on there (maybe not even remotely related to me).

All I know is that this needs to be fully ironed out or it’s going to fester.

19

Thanks for the thoughtful replies everyone.

It’s certainly given me some balls to discuss it further with her and not back down about it.

If she’s not ready, then I need to know. That won’t affect how I feel about her and staying with her, but it needs to be addressed to keep those lines open.

I can’t boast about having solid communication without getting to the bottom of this. It stings but it needed to be said.

20

I really think you need to raise this with her more fully. You say you speak on the phone frequently, so I urge you to question her about this. At the same time, I recommend that you find out more about the legalities, and the potential job situation for her here. Doesn’t matter if it pays more in PA than in Toronto if she won’t be able to find a job in PA. Also, many states but not all have licensing requirements for Vet Techs.

But find out what her fears/stumbling blocks are. As you recognize, she’s the one who really has to get the ball rolling on this, so you need to find out what it’s going to take and decide if it’s worth it to you.