Oh no, it was actually during sex. I was having sex for the first time and my boyfriend at the time wanted to do doggy style and I thought that meant anal sex so I just put his penis near my anal…opening, and well…yeah, that hurt a lot.
Oh. Mine wasn’t like that at all…
Sadly this one wasn’t, and isn’t, remotely funny. I’d strained my lower back trying to push something waaaaay heavier than I ought to have attempted, and was given bed rest for a week - no sex - and by the end of that week my then-wife is very keen to make up for lost time.
So I’m sitting on the sofa and she’s straddling me (some vague thought on my part that this was going to be easier on my lower back than our standard missionary or doggie positions) when I hear and feel from my lower back this awful KKKKKKKKKkkkkkkkkkKKKKKKKKK sound. I’d managed to shatter a disk, fragments of which impinged on my spinal cord and stopped me from walking properly for the next week until they could schedule an operation to deal with that. 20 years laterI still have odd sensations, occasional pain and cramps in my legs from that.
When you say trying to push something, you don’t mean you were trying to push out poop, right?
Oh man. My SO is a retired paramedic. When your retired paramedic SO asks what’s going on at the Dope tonight, don’t tell him there’s a funny thread on sex injuries.
WARNING: THIS IS REALLY GROSS AND GRAPHIC AND EVEN THE MEDICALLY INCLINED MIGHT FIND IT A BIT NAUSEATING.
DON’T BLAME ME IF YOU KEEP READING, YOU SICKO!
One night he is called to a bar. When he arrives, the bartender doesn’t even look up, just waves he and his partner towards the back, where there is a booth - one of those rounded booths, with a table in front of it. Only, the table is overturned, so the tabletop was facing the paramedics as they approached. And as they approach, they see a man sitting in the booth behind the overturned table, holding a large heavy ashtray. The man is lifting the ashtray and striking something behind the tabletop with it, making a very loud “THUNK!” sound each time. And each time, he howls in pain. “THUNK!” “AIEEEE!” “THUNK!” “AIEEE!” “THUNK!” “AIEEE!”
Turns out his, er, companion had been orally pleasuring him underneath the table when she had a seizure. As part of this seizure, she bit down, hard, and her jaw is locked. He is hitting her in the head with the ashtray, trying to make her let go. Being a bit preoccupied with her seizure, however, she isn’t obliging.
The paramedics try prying her jaw open with jaw spreaders. No luck. They BREAK two jaw spreaders in the attempt.
They give her Valium to stop the seizure. No luck, max out the dose with no effect.
They give her Ativan, a benzo which is both a muscle relaxant and a sedative. Nothing.
Finally, they give her morphine, enough to, and I quote, “snow her…just completely snow her.” Well, it did that. But her jaw was still locked. Around his…if you missed this part…throbbing manhood.
They had nothing else to try. At that time, paramedics weren’t allowed to paralyze people (like they can now to put in a breathing tube.) So, after a consult with dispatch, they loaded the poor guy on a stretcher with the girl on top of him, penis in mouth.
And thus they leave the bar.
Out through the parking lot.
Ride in the ambulance.
And arrive at the hospital.
After this it is up to the surgeons. I spoiler the ending, 'cause it’s really fucking gross:
Guy had his penis amputated. No reattachment was possible, both because this was many years ago, but also because it wasn’t anything like a clean cut, being all gnawed on and shit. Probably got a urostomy to pee out of, since the urethra was bound to scar over.
Wow, that…wow.
Truly, the blowjob to end all blowjobs.
Really gives you something to think about when people say “there is no such thing as a bad blowjob”.
Is this a first-person account? No offense, just that I’ve heard several dubious-sounding paramedic stories that ended up being urban legends.
My husband had surgery and wasn’t supposed to have erections for a while, they gave him amyl nitrate poppers.
This was his report of a call he went on. Thank god they didn’t have cell phones in the '70s or I’m sure he’d have made me look at pics. 
ETA: Although, now that I think on it, it’s entirely possible it’s become an urban legend at this point. I know I’m not the first person he’s told the story to!
Or swat it with a newspaper.
There was that time with the trampoline and uneven parallel bars that…
Just kidding.
Considering the ending, it literally was.
(I’m sure WhyNot knows by now that they’ve won the thread.)
I dunno, you can color me mightly skeptical, Whynot.
man I thought a pulled tongue was bad.
I’d suggest maybe that the nurse would have hit it with a spoon but we’ve done that one to death already.
…and Whynot’s story sounds a hellava lot like this from Snopes
Nothing exciting here, just the occasional vigorous thrusting session where one stroke is a wee bit off target and … shudder. Luckily nothing more than some next-day soreness for this johnson.
Life is like a box of chocolates.
What a damn coincidence. I had sex with a girl named Carmelita once too. I thought she was wearing mohair underwear until she screamed when I tried pulling them off. You’re right, she has one hell of a punch.
True, it would certainly fall into that category.
(None of which are debunked on Snopes or medically impossible.)
Yes, I hear you can get some nasty injuries that way. 