I find this attitude annoying. I’ve been married for 20 years. Not all of us are in college and seeking a soul mate. Nobody said sex wasn’t a major part of a relationship. But’s that’s just it–it’s A major part. You don’t end 20 years of marriage just because your sex life isn’t great. Maybe some people do. I call them shallow-to disrupt children, financial security, location etc–all so you can get some nookie? That’s ridiculous. (Voyager-I’m not saying that is your position, I’m just responding in general to this “you haven’t found the right person” stuff)
Why can’t you who don’t understand this just accept our side of things: That not everyone is lusting after orgasm every minute of the day? Some of us can take it or leave it. It’s just the way we’re hardwired.
I think what is being mixed up here is not sex vs relationship or sex vs love, but sex and intimacy. You can have great sex without intimacy (that is, physically satisfying, orgasm reaching sex) but FOR ME, that is not enough. In fact, I don’t want that at all. Yes, you read that correctly. I would turn just sex down.
I want intimacy, dammit. And being gung ho on sex has NOT provided that for me, ever. So, please understand that for me, I can take or leave sex because it does not provide the level of closeness I desire. Sure, I may well “need” a different partner. My chances of that at 45 with 3 kids are nil (never mind the fact I’m married to boot). The platitudes of finding the right partner and “you’re just not doing it right” not only ring false, but are condescending as well.
If there’s one thing being a massage therapist (part-time) has taught me, it’s that what feels really, really good to one person is downright painful to another (well that and that AD(D)uctors bring things closer to the trunk and ABductors take them away). I see no reason to believe our genitals are any different than our backs and our arms and our legs and our faces in this respect. Nerve endings are not terribly uniform in one human to another, and brains (where most of sexual excitement and pleasure are felt) sure aren’t made to spec, so why would we all feel the same way about sex? The trick it to find a partner or partners who feels similarly to you about sex - if you’ve done that, you’ve hit the jackpot. If not, keep looking. But if you (general you, I’m not picking on **eleanorigby **here) and your spouse are happy with things, then great! If you (general you, not picking on **Autolycus **here) are not happy with things, then change what you’re doing.
Simple, right? Here, take my advice, I’m not using it!
I agree that this is shit. Society hypes sex beyond all reasonable boundaries. That’s not to say that sex itself is overrated, though. I literally cannot imagine anything better than really, really good sex. If I were religious, I’d talk about interfacing with God. As I’m not, I’ll just say that it’s flipping wonderful.
I haven’t had any for quite some time, but I had the same views when I was getting it regularly.
It sounds to me that there is truth to the idea that we are all wired a little differently. I’m a hetero guy, and I definitely find myself noticing nice female bodies when they walk by, but I’m just not one of those guys who always thinks about sex. And, when I’m single, I don’t get overcome by the desire for sex all the time. It actually becomes a rare distraction. Even now, I’m dating someone who wants sex a lot more then I do.
I guess this is one of those times when YMMV is really true.
I agree that society overhypes it, and that I don’t think that pursuing sex for the sake of sex is worth it. If I just want some nerve endings stimulated, a few minutes with a nice battery-operated device are far better than conjugating the verb with a person I don’t care for or who doesn’t care for me.
BUT, sex in the context of love is something else. (And there can be love even within the context of a very, very, very brief relationship.) That, IME, can be overwhelming, so full of ecstasy and something that flows over into religious experience – the heavens opening, God and the angels singing, whatever metaphor works for you.)
But that is rare. If you go looking for it, you won’t find it. Especially if you are dating and falsifying yourself to try to cheat a little physical contact out of someone. I think that that guarentees profound disappointment and disllusionment.
Come to think of it, I’ve had that all-overwhelming ecstasy that goes far beyond orgasm under circumstances when the only thing I cared about was giving to the other person…when all I cared about was giving love, and completely let go of caring about if I received anything in return.
Sure, single-minded pursuit of sex is silly and unfulfilling. So is the single-minded pursuit of anything.
But sex itself? Underrated, IMO. And, no, I’m not talking about intimacy, or love, or a joining of two souls, though all of those things are delightful as well, of course. I’m talking about sex. Naked people touching each other for the purpose of physical pleasure. How could this possibly be overrated? What’s not to love?
Sex can be tailored to meet any of your physical or emotional needs of the moment. Feeling playful? Loving? Angry? Sad? Do you need soothing at the end of a hard day? Or maybe you’re in a great mood and want to share your joy? Well, we’ve got a flavor of sex for you!
Touching is fun. Orgasm is an amazing thing that can have either a sedative or an energizing effect as needed. Worldwide sales of sleep aids and caffeine would drop perilously if everyone was just getting laid more often. Like all drugs, they’re pale substitutes that certainly don’t produce the same feeling of well-being as a good orgasm.
I love me some sex. I love it like a fat kid loves candy. Like a painter loves his brushes. Like Charlton Heston loves his .45. I can’t imagine my life without it.
Should it be the sole focus of your life? Of course not. Neither should World of Warcraft, the elimination of those last five pounds, or winning the Nobel prize. Single-minded pursuit of anything produces stunted human beings. But that doesn’t mean that WoW, physical fitness, or stunning achievement in your field are “overrated”.
You’d begrudge someone complaining about not enjoying the single biggest genetic influence on our behavior for “financial stability”? Yeah, paying the mortgage on time is great, but some people just can’t comprehend giving up something very important to them for upgrading to the Accord.
I won’t disagree with you on the children, and I agree with you that “the right person” is a bit condescending, but let’s not pretend that substituting sex for financial stability (or vice versa) is anything other than a set of subjective preferences that don’t carry any real weight.
I think the problem with sex and relationships is that people aren’t honest with themselves about what they really want. Lots of people have this idea that sex is unimportant, and thus minimize its important in choosing a commitment, only to wonder why their otherwise great relationship has troubles. It just involves deciding what’s really important and knowing when to sacrifice what.
As a side note, sex is a lot like yawning. Just talking about it gives me the vapors.
Um…just to broaden horizons…I once had a relationship with someone who expanded the whole foreplay thing into an experience all its own. Four or five hours, for instance. She was strange beyond belief outside of the bedroom, but boyoboyo.
From reading the advice columnists, the problem isn’t the amount but the incompatibility. If neither partner is interested, it won’t be a problem. If one partner is and the other isn’t, it can be a gigantic problem. That’s part of what I meant by “right person.” I can imagine sex not being very good if one person comes at it with the attitude of it being a chore, not a pleasure. Is financial security really worth decades of frustration and bitterness?
Fine. I’m tone deaf, but I wouldn’t post that classical music is overrated just because I don’t get it.
Me too. That’s what I meant by the right person, not a person with all the appropriate parts.
That’s too bad. For us it went hand in hand, and both aspects have gotten better over time. I’m not interested, even in fantasies, about some random starlet.
I can well believe that sex as a pure physical process can be thought to be overrated. But when there is true openness and sharing, there’s hardly anything better.
I don’t begrudge anyone anything–I said I found it shallow to dissolve a marriage for sex. You’ve missed my point. Sex just isn’t that important to me to create a huge upheaval in my life, my kids’ lives etc to go out and find “great sex” (ie not my husband). I don’t believe in “open marriage” so in plain sight cheating or sneaking around aren’t for me. It’s not about the sex for me. It’s not about sex, period. I highly doubt there are people out there who would divorce JUST for sex. There tend to be other relationship issues as well in such cases.
Subjective preferences? Viewed that way, all of life are subjective preferences. I don’t PREFER “an Accord” to sex. I just won’t lose my house and savings to a divorce attorney to get better sex.
I find this humorous. What people want can and does change over time–and not always in a manner that increases intimacy or even good relations. There’s that patronizing “it just involves X” again. Solutions to messy human problems are rarely solved with one act (unless that act involves something that gets you life in prison!). Sex is not just about different touch points and erogenous zones–or maybe that’s all it is to some folks. If so, and they’re happy with it, that’s great. That doesn’t work for me. From my POV, sex was a lot simpler when I was single and dating, strange as that may sound. Married sex (for me) comes with so much damned baggage-it’s not worth it. A frightening spectre looms ahead: if I get divorced and start to date, there’ll be all this baggage, plus the dating nonsense, plus HIS baggage. Cripes-sign me up for celibacy, stat… (half kidding)
There have been a few people in this thread,** Amygdala** and Atomickmom, who “get” it. Do I like sex? Sure I do. But not to the extent that it is talked about, bragged about, sought after and complained about all around me. A somewhat related issue: I don’t like porn. That makes me a prude, a bitch or frigid in some people’s minds. How about I just don’t like porn? I don’t like talking about sex to others–it’s none of their business what goes on in my bedroom. Again come the cries (just teasing, of course!) of prude, frigid, bitch. Or the “helpful” ones who tell me that I’m doing it wrong or that it just a matter of teaching my partner what I like or being “creative” in the bedroom. Believe me, I’ve thought long and hard about this; I’ve tried certain things–I know what I want.
Not everyone does this teasing or tutoring, of course, but it happens often enough that I am left with the notion that if I am not as gung ho/horny/lusting etc as what is seen to be “normal” than there must be something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with others who DO lust/are horny etc. Why can’t we let it rest there? Why do I have to conform to some standard of wanting sex more than I actually do? I could have sex every night with my husband, if I so desired. I do not, because there would be no intimacy with that sex. No intimacy=shitty sex to me; I don’t care about the orgasms. Orgasm is a fleeting sensation and I can do that myself. My reasons for a lesser degree of sexual desire are different (I think) than others here. Their reasons(whatever they may be) are just as valid, IMO.
Yes. And I know what I want and I want what I want. Maybe someday I’ll get it. I hope so, although it seems daunting now. I’m in a bed partially of my making, but I’ll survive and it’ll get better.
eleanorrigby, for the record, I don’t think you’re frigid, or a prude, or a bitch. You just don’t care about sex, and that’s fine with me. Hell, I’m indifferent towards pretty much everyone’s sex life except mine.
But when you start throwing around sentiments like “people who would break up their marriage over sex are shallow”, that’s when you run into trouble.
After all, everything else that comes with marriage, I can do by myself. I can pay the mortgage and raise the kids. Hell, I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan insert hair toss. But I can’t have good sex by myself, and if I’m not getting it from my husband, where else am I going to get it? Because I *need * it.
You don’t. Good on you. Your needs in a relationship are different from mine. That doesn’t make me shallow any more than it makes you frigid.
ETA, Contrary, I don’t play WoW, so I think we can safely enjoy our marginally separate identities.
Well, I can’t have great sex(as I have defined it for me) by myself, either… But for me, half a loaf is not better than no bread.
I see what you’re saying. I didn’t mean it to sound like those who put an emphasis on sex as a deal breaker are shallow–to everyone his or her priorities. I can’t fathom ending a marriage with all that entails solely for better sex. Let’s face it-human relations get fairly complex, and if there are problems outside the bedroom, those troubles will eventually invade the bedroom and vice versa. That’s why I can’t see a marriage ending due to sex. That’s all. You’re right-I shouldn’t have put a perjorative on it. Sorry.
Um, no you’re wrong. Been married over 30 years and you’re just wrong. If anything it’s underrated by way too many people. If I believed in God it would be because of the awesomeness of boinking.
But for me, half a loaf is not better than no bread.