I’ve been pumped full of SSRIs for years. Lexapro? Sex-a-no! At this point I only use sex for mind control, not for personal enjoyment
“You’re getting sleepy…sleepy…Sleeeeeepy! You’re signing over all your deeds, titles, stocks and bonds to lobstermobster. It’s spelled L-o-b…” 
That does complicate mattes. I’m on Lexapro as well. I feel great; I just don’t want sex!
I’d blame the Lexapro wholeheartedly, but I’ve never been as into sex as other people. For me, sex is in the mind(or more accurately, the brain is the best sex organ going)–but that’s another thread.
I understand the POV from everyone so far, but I still lean in favor of sex as pleasure and reward rather than process and chore.
As a biological process, nothing beats sex as a delivery system for oxytocin and endorphins. That is the stuff that binds us to our partner- the stuff that creates feelings of well-being, exhilaration, and rightness. I’m a junkie for those magic hormones. If my back hurts in the absence of my SO, my girlfriends know to expect me to get in their lap for comfort. And I’ll reciprocate and rub feet, pat hands and pet hair when they are down. Physical proximity bonds, binds, reassures. And when an orgasm results: relief: what lovely stuff.
The chase, the anticipation, imagining how it is going to feel, sound, smell, taste, and look, is worth all the distraction, in my humble opinion. Even the mind games that lobster alludes to can be thrilling, assuming both are heading toward the same conclusion. Yummm… anticipation.
I can also see eleanor’s point: life often gets more complicated, and priorities shift. Yes, it can get stale with time- after children, after illness, after adversity. But give it another try- there are health benefits for both partners, and the payoff is instant.
As far as the OP, if your partners are distracting you from your personal pursuits and pleasures, then try harder to find partners who share them with you. No sex is worth giving up the things that make you well and happy just to please another person. (It gets better with age; I promise. Tolerance and the willingness to compromise both improve as years pass.)
I blame it completely. I used to be a five times a day, in the back alley, in the dressing room at a childrens clothing store, leave scratch marks on your boyfriend kinda gal. now I just dont give a shit.
Hmmm…I’m on Effexor. Maybe that explains my apathy. Wow! A revelation, perhaps?
Well, there ya go. If you two ever decide to go off meds, my suggestion is get a room. Gonna have a fierce need to fire up some neglected neurotransmitters. Try not to set off the sprinklers, k? 
I really liked your post, so I hesitate to “go here” but her goes. Tolerance and willingness to compromise do not necessarily improve as years pass.
Look, it’s like this: I have a partner who does not listen to my desires. He wants well, a script of sorts(he bases his notion of female response on porn), and I’m all over the map–sometimes I want it X, sometimes Y. One day pressure is great, the next, the lightest touch is horrid. Somedays I am loud, others I have (I swear) silent orgasms. I’ve always been mercurial this way. BUT there are things that are absolute guarantees: run your fingers through my hair. Massage my feet–I’ll do anything for you–but he considers these to be “demeaning” to him and he. won’t. do. them. I can’t believe I’m posting all this shit. :eek: :o
So, talk about baggage: there’s the built up resentment of unmet needs-check;
the anger that engenders-check;
the myriad ways I can be turned on or off-dificult at the best of times–check;
the presence of SSRIs in my blood–check;
the presence of 3 children at home and a master bedroom off the family room–check;
the circumstances of job, FT grad school–check;
do I need to go on?
Bottom line: my husband is not interested in intimacy; he wants sex. I am not interested in sex (although I could be), I want intimacy/closeness–fun in bed. Stalemate. Dead end. End of story. I tried it his way for many years–didn’t work for me. I’d rather have nothing than THAT again.
So, now you all know (most of) my sordid secrets. I cannot help but be somewhat bitter about this (ok, more than somewhat), so I’m sorry for the tone I have at times. I hope this helps…
(not repeating your post) That is completely unfair, and unrealistic. Obtuse, and stubborn. Porn is a condiment- not a primer. With all the stress in your life, all that pressure- you need those biological treats more than anyone- you need hugs and cuddles, then you might be inclined to reciprocate in his preferred method of affection. I’m sorry. And I understand.
Guys, if you are reading this thread, take note. Listen to us, love on us, be considerate, and we will please you, too- and in the physical way that you prefer. It is a fair trade.
Aw, thanks. You made me tear up a little. Porn has been a very divisive instrument in this marriage. I won’t say more; I’ve already said too much. I am not blameless in this quandry I find myself in, but I’ll be damned if I take all the heat for it-especially when people are dismissive and say, “you’re not doing it right” and stuff like that. There’s more-much more, but this is public forum, not a therapy session! 
This has turned out to be a good thread about a sensitive topic. Good on us, Dopers!
{{{eleanorigby}}} Man, I’m sorry things are that way for you, that hurts on so many levels…
I was in your spot once–had the solid, sensible marriage to the guy with the great job, we had the nice house and the 401K and the solid plan to put the kids through college, we had the lot. We also had the fundamental disconnect in sex drives and–how shall I put it–“inventiveness quotient.” He was painfully vanilla, had so many boundaries he could use a labyrinth for a straight edge and (worst of all in my book) an internal censor that wouldn’t even allow certain, nay most, sexual scenarios to be thought of, much less acted upon. He had a pretty extensive collection of “paper princesses,” (teh intarweb pr0n not yet having been invented yet) and his most favored sex act was the (non-reciprocal) handjob. The kind of guy who, when invited to lounge in bed on a sunny weekend morning with no kids around refused because the lawn really needed mowing. We were painfully, egregiously mismatched in our physical relationship.
Like you, I figured I’d made my Puritan bed and would have to lie in it, after having exhausted many avenues to correct our incompatibility. I figured I’d just hang in there until the kids were grown–what, ten years at most, before deciding what to do about having my needs met. Like you, the idea of breaking up a marriage purely for sex was abhorrent to me–so contemptibly self indulgent and weak, so ridiculous, so common. Then I met someone.
It wasn’t just sex, although we had an uncanny mutual desire from the get go, a chemical attraction that was so far beyond anything I’d ever experienced before that it pretty much scared the hell out of me. We held out for almost two years as friends before finally admitting that the feeling was never going to go away, as I tried with all my might to reconcile myself to the life I’d chosen–while at the same time having my nose rubbed in the plain fact that the best sex I’d ever had with my husband wasn’t even as exciting as a kiss from Himself…
Finally I grew a pair, told the husband and my kids and the whole world that, whereas I was very sorry to be causing them troubles, I too have a life to lead and needs to be met and got a divorce. I’m sure everyone thought it was “just sex” and to be fair it probably looked that way because we fucked like rabid monkeys pretty much any time we weren’t expected to be actively doing something else. I know for a fact that bets were being made about how long we’d last–I sincerely doubt anyone could have predicted that twenty years later we’d still be together, still nuts about each other and still willing and able to tear each other up in the sack.
Yes, we do have the advantage of chemical attraction, similarly active libidos and physical compatibility–but it’s knowing that he has the same rebellious spirit that I do, that he feels the way I do about sex and love and intimacy and cuddling and making each other feel good that keeps us together. Sex, when it’s right, is a gift you give each other as you simultaneously grab all you can for yourself. Anyone who doesn’t learn that is never going to be a good lover to anyone else.
When I was with my ex I’d have agreed that sex wasn’t worth the hassle, too fraught, overrated, overemphasized, overhyped. Now I’d only agree that it would be not worth the trouble to go after someone else because I have too much invested with my SO. I will never have enough time in my life to spend building the intimacy we share with someone else, nor the energy, nor do I think I’d ever find someone as well matched to me physically. Some things you really only get one shot at–if you’re lucky.
Which probably explains why I haven’t killed him yet. 
Well, unless your partner is someone like lobstermonster who “use[s] sex for mind control, not for personal enjoyment.” I can’t imagine a more creepy statement than that. Unfortunately, my experience, with spare exceptions has been more in line with that sentiment. That certainly isn’t true for all women, but seems to be the case for most that I encounter, and for the rest sex was a mostly indifferent proposition on their part.
Orbital mechanics is easier to figure out than this shit.
Stranger
I guess I got a bit combative–sorry, I don’t have a very gentle writing voice, and it often gets in the way of communicating. My ultimate point was that calling other people shallow for simply liking something else was unfair. But you already got that much better than I put it from DianaG, so let’s just smile and be buddies.
Congratulations on finding the right person.
Is sexual incompatibility any better or worse than financial incompatibility? I’d imagine being married to someone who spent what we didn’t have, or who refused to spend what we absolutely needed, would be torture. Not giving the emotional intimacy needed is just as bad a torture.
Wow! SmartAleq, thanks for taking the time to write your post. It gives me a little hope. It also makes me thankful for second, third, and fourth chances.
As for the OP…
This thread has been bothering me since I first discovered it. I would come in. Read over the responses. Think about how I needed to respond. “Need” being the operative word here. I almost had the feeling that if I didn’t speak up, then by default, I was in agreement with Atomicktom and his perception that sex is overrated.
I do agree with appleciders though…
Here I am writing this at almost 1:30 in the morning. I believe that if I were to ever be married to the man that matches me like SmartAleq and her hubby that we would still have our “me time” that we each require, as well as lead productive lives. I wouldn’t mind having to eat lunch at home or take my lunch everyday, so that I can have the extra money required to purchase sexy lingerie or whatever to spice things up every once in a while. I wouldn’t mind shaving my legs and whatever else I chose to shave everyday.
What I’m trying to say here is that I’m willing to meet those “lifestyle demands” if it means that I could have sex with the man of my dreams on a regular basis.
Since it is now 1:48 a.m. and it’s not happening tonight, I guess I’m going to crawl back into bed and try to dream some.
Sex overrated? I don’t think so!
Disclaimer:
I’d rather remain single and be happy and deal with moments like tonight where I would give anything to be cuddled up to the man of my dreams (trying to figure out how to wake him so that we could have sex) than in a marriage where one or both of us were miserable.
I am really sorry to hear that he doesn’t understand you. Reading various advice columnists (including Dan Savage, of course) and various posts, it sounds like there many people who don’t get that sex is so individual. There are some things which will work all the time and some which will work part of the time and not others. There are things which turn her off. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that blindly repeating ineffective methods is stupid, and repeating things which turn someone off is even stupider.
For me, a lot of the fun is finding what turns my partner on all, some or none of the time. And like anything else, the same thing again and again is going to get boring. Find me the best restaurant in the world, and I still wouldn’t want to go there everyday and eat the same meal. It’s normal for women to find something really exciting one day and then not the next.
Why don’t people spend more time learning to please their partners? And why the hell do some men think that porn bares any resemblance to sex with actual people? Since men are hard-wired with most of their pleasure centered around their glans, an unfortunately large number of guys don’t understand that women’s whole bodies can be pleasurable.
This wants me to go slap your husband. I love sex and I love intimate sex even that much more. For me, sex is even greater when both parties are really into it, and – for probably a majority of women – just rubbing privates together without love or intimacy isn’t that exciting in the long run.
I read a letter to an advice columnist from a woman whose boyfriend got up after sex (read, after he came), threw her a towel and went into the other room to play video games. Naturally, things aren’t looking good for him. Too many guys don’t realize that the time after sex (which is after both parties are satisfied) is the most important time for intimacy.
My wife wasn’t that much into sex before we met, but since intimacy is a large part of it (and we’re intimate all the time, not just when we want some) then she’s relaxed and it’s now very important for her.
And. I. Can’t. Get. Laid.
I mean, who the hell are these people? A guy who not only refuses to massage his partner’s feet or run his fingers through her damn hair, but considers those things demeaning? Demeaning, for fuck’s sake! There aren’t enough rolleyes in the world. A guy who refuses sex to mow the lawn?
If anyone wants me, I’ll be here shaking my head in stunned silence.
No.
No, you won’t.
In my experience, you’ll do what you feel like, when you feel like it, and we’ll be grateful for it. You know that line about how no-one goes out for hamburger when he’s getting steak at home? We’ll get hamburger and we’ll praise it to the skies as if it were steak, on pain of getting worse hamburger less often.
You might flirt with the idea of wanting to please us, and in the physical way that we prefer, but it only lasts as long as you’re in love with the idea of being in love with us. For a mental image of good sex, I have to form a composite of the best I’ve had from three different women, all of it getting on for twenty years in the past. It ain’t happening again.
Now?
On Sunday afternoon I went for a nice long walk with the dog. I snacked on the last of the season’s blackberries straight from the bush - few and small but still sweet. That was good.
I agree. I’ve seen sex cause 100X the problems it solves. Whether it was my dumb ass roommate in college that would literally get depressed if he didn’t get some for more than a week. Or his dumb as a post GF that let him cheat numerous times because, “I hate it, but he was my first time and…” :rolleyes: Or seeing scores of men acting like a complete idiots to impress the opposite sex. Or constantly having an ex-friend of mine offer me sex as a “get out of being a bitch free” card. Or having another one constantly feed you piles of bullshit just to keep you around as an emergency guy.
I’m not saying I don’t like it, or it isn’t fun. It just isn’t worth it most of the time.
It’s gotta be different strokes for different folks, because I read stuff like DianaG’s comments and shake my head in astonishment. Intimacy in a relationship is vital to its health, and sex is a natural product and core component of that intimacy, but when you start talking about sex as profound as a religious experience you step right outside my understanding of the issue.
It seems that this thread has involved a lot of “Bad sex is really That Bad” and I’ll buy that, because in every example I’ve seen here the bad sex was a symptom of a bigger incompatibility issue. There may be couples that perfectly match in every way except in the bedroom, but it can’t be that common. Similarly, couples that don’t get along but have great sex are just fooling themselves for the sake of it.
Sex is biology, plain and simple. It’s written right into our DNA that we want sex and often. It seems to me that a lot of the people in this thread are confusing the concept of sex, which really isn’t that great, with the level of intimacy (of which sex is only one part) that two completely plugged-in people can achieve, which I’ll admit sounds like a more likely candidate for profound religious experience.
So I can find no fault with the OP. As he said, “I am not trying to disparage a romantic, loving relationship, of which sex is an important aspect.” 100% agreement here. It’s the people that go around looking for sex for sex’s sake that confuse me.