Share some obtuse, indirect insults

In My Humble Opinion
41

Sure, but I don’t guarantee accurate or even consistent spelling of Schwarzschild.

The Schwarzschild radius of an object is the radius of the event horizon that a black hole of the same mass as that object would have. All objects with mass have a Schwarzschild radius, and it scales linearly with mass- if something is twice as massive as, say, the Sun, its Schwarzchild radius will be twice the Sun’s Schwarzschild radius.

According to the Wikipedia article, the Sun has a Schwarzschild radius of about 3 kilometers, and the Earth has a Schwarzschild radius of about 9 millimeters. So if you’re saying someone’s Schwarzschild radius is a meter, you are saying they are approximately 111 times as massive as the Earth. It’s a fat joke for astronomy or physics geeks :smiley:

42

I’m not actually sure that this was intended to be insulting, but some of the othe people who heard it were. Our handbell choir was told:

You’re not professional but you sure try hard!

43

I remember this one from The Book of Lists. Some French writer had received a poor review, so he wrote back to the critic, “I’m in the smallest room of the house and I have your review in front of me. Soon it shall be behind me.”

I always remembered that because it seemed so elegant.

44

I like to use this one on certain coworkers, but it takes a little bit of setup on their part first:

Stupid Coworker: You must think I’m pretty (stupid, idiotic, ugly, fat, disgusting, etc).
Me: I never would have said that out loud.

The beauty of that phrase is that they’re expecting to hear a compliment, and they do, up until those last two little words…

45

“Your mom.”

:stuck_out_tongue:

Sorry, I’m not sure how many people have heard that. So many guys at my school say that all the time, and I just want to strangle them after a while. Here’s an example of how it comes into conversation:

Person 1: God, it’s so hot out today…

Person 2: Your mom.
It really is supposed to be an insult, and I still don’t get how it is.

46

To my wife: “I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”

47

“I’ll give your suggestion all the attention it deserves.”

48

From the BBC’s Jeeves and Wooster (but not in any of the original Wodehouse stories):

Bertie (who is reading a book): I’m improving myself, Jeeves.

Jeeves: Such a thing hardly seems possible, sir.

Another old favorite: Thank you for sending me your book. I’ll waste no time reading it.

49

My sister-in-law wrote the problem with me is that I, “want to be an intellectual.”

I’ve always thought that her decision to believe that statement an insult was far more insulting to her than to me.

50

I stole this one from Futurama and have used it succesfully twice:

Other Person: I heard you said I was (something bad.)
Me: I never said that, but I’m certainly thinking it loudly.

51

When you mean to say, “You’re dreaming,” say, Fantastic!" or “Imagine that!” They all mean the same.

A famous employment-reference dodge is “I can’t say enough good things about him.”

James Thurber, thinking he was being hip, tacked the following onto a letter to a publisher, which he had typed: “dictated, but not proofread.” The publisher wrote back, “Your rudeness is exceeded only by your rudeness.” (I might have misquoted Mr. Thurber)

He has wormwood overtones, and an agressive finish.

52

In a similar vein “your wit is matched only by your charm and good looks”

53

I liked the one about the somewhat fearsome nursing sister who found herself nicknamed “Antirrhinum”. She was delighted to be named after such a beautiful flower until she found out its common name: Snapdragon]

54

From the book Jazz Anecdotes:

Mild-mannered cornetist Bobby Hackett was incapable of saying a bad thing about anybody. Asked his opinion of Hitler, he merely said:

“Well…he was the best in his field.”

55

Slightly different, but the same general idea of requiring the listener to listen properly.

“May your victory be as glorious as your cause is justified.”

I wish I could remember who I am quoting there.
My mother says things about a thirdparty like:

“Oh, he’s not the worst”

or

"His heart is in the right place2

both pretty much menaing that everything person X does quickly turns into a disaster.

56

Here’s another one I like (originated by someone at the famous Algonquin Round Table, IIRC, but I’m too lazy to look it up):

Person 1 (about a third party not present): He’s his own worst enemy.

Person 2: Not while I’m around.

And this one from W.S. Gilbert (of Gilbert & Sullivan): No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he’s a dirty little beast.

=======

Okay, I looked it up, and it was F.P.A. See many more great lines under “Insults” here. Examples below:
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. – Clarence Darrow

Ordinarily he is insane, but he has lucid moments when he is only stupid. – Heinrich Heine

Leroy is a self-made man, which shows what happens when you don’t follow directions. – Bill Hoest

How are you holding up during the lithium shortage? – David Letterman

57

Two come to mind…

-A friend wrote a letter of resignation opening with “It is with measured regret that I must tender my resignation.”
-You approach a group of men you know. Dave is amongst them and he’s a bit of a git. Address them with this two word phrase (with dramatic pause between the words).
“Gentlemen!.. Dave.”

58

My friend Ros describes people as “He’s …interesting and he …means well.”

59

On a reference: “He did work entirely to his own satisfaction.”

60

Not evil after Angel took over.