Herbert mediates a dispute amongst a bunch of teenagers: “Whoever drinks the most Tylenol PM wins!”
Hello, 911? This is Quagmire. Yeah, it’s stuck in the window this time.
Heh, I love that one. In another Wheel of Fortune episode Peter is picking letters:
“I’ll take a Z, a 4, a Q, another Q, a third Q, and a Batman symbol.”
Peter (as a kid): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
Another one from Stewie:
You know Meg…if you kill yourself now, you’d probably get a full page in the yearbook. Just something to think about.
Not verbatim:
QUAGMIRE (To young girl): Hey, girly! How old are you?
GIRL: Sixteen.
QUAGMIRE: Eighteen? Alllll right!
GIRL: Mom!
QUAGMIRE: Hey! I like where this is going!
==================================
In another episode, Peter jumps into a helicopter. The helicopter hits a tree and crashes into Joe’s front yard, tearing up his house and lawn with its rotors.
JOE: Peter! What the hell…?
PETER: Oh God! Oh God! Joe, I am SO sorry!
JOE: It’s okay, it’s fine. No one was hurt. It’s fine.
Later on, Peter takes off in a hydrogen dirigible. The dirigible hits some power lines, explodes, and crashes in Joe’s front yard again.
PETER: Oh God! Joe, I am so sorry!
JOE: Where do you get the money for these things?!
==================================
PETER, to BONNIE: Okay, Bonnie? You’ve been pregnant for what, three years now? Either have it or don’t.
Taking role at the signing of the Declaration of Independance:
Thomas Jefferson
Here
John Adams
Here
Benjamin Frankling
Here
John Footpenis?
It’s now John Hancock
Why?
Never you mind!
From the writing of the Constitution:
Founding Father #1: Do you think that second amendment is a little vague?
Founding Father #2: How could it be more clear? Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall…you know what, let’s get rid of that abortion thing, though…
Lois drags Peter to a neighbor kid’s house to apologize for something. After Peter’s apology is accepted, he’s invited in to play with Legos:
Peter: You got Legos? Aw, sweet! Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.
Lois (exasperated): They’re the same thing, Peter.
Peter: You know what, Lois? They are not the same thing. And the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.
And this one, when Cleveland is attempting to crack a safe:
Cleveland: Uh oh, it’s a combination lock. Looks like I’ll have to cut through it. Good thing I brought Reese Witherspoon’s chin. (He removes Reese Witherspoon from his tool bag and begins cutting through the safe door with her pointy chin.)
Along the same lines, the fake commercial for the fake Renee Zellweger movie:
“These ants are ruining our picnic!”
“This picnic is ruining our ants!”
Look around the world, pretty baby…
Quagmire also uses thinking of her to stave off sexual arousal, along with “dead kittens,” “nuns,” and “really old nuns.”
Although they don’t translate well to thee written format, Peter’s “lines” from his Christmas album were hilarious. I guess I can leave you with the one that’s not mumbled or mostly gibberish:
“I have these gifts for you,
They’re up in my bum…”
Brian goads another cop into doing his impersonation of Joe with Joe watching:
Brian Griffin: By the way, Horowicz, you should show Joe your impression of him.
Horowicz: Well, it’s not as good as, you know, my Irish cop. It’s just a little thing I…
Horowicz: “Look at me! I’m Joe! My legs don’t work but I make up for it by having a very strong upper body!”
Joe Swanson: [laughs] Well, I do say that.
Whenever someone asks me why i dislike something my default answer is “It insists upon itself”, i add the Lois if i think they’ll recognize it.
Just about every line in the Freakin’ FTC.
Heh. “Trouser-friendly kiss.”
“Every hot girl who can aim a camera thinks she’s a photographer. Ooh, you took a black and white picture of a lawn chair and its shadow and developed it at Sav-On. You must be so brooding and deep.”
Also, “Shallow and pedantic.”
Also “holy crap here comes Jesus…and he doesn’t look to happy” sung to the end of “carol of the bells”
Another of my favorites:
Man, you took all my favorite ones. Well done.
Buttscratcher!
Just the one word, repeated multiple times, but the way Peter says it is stuck in my head.
Quagmire:
"Why Lois! How good to see you.
Excuse me for pointing."