Because of being in an almost sexless marriage for 10 years I didnt (still dont actually) have much experience performing oral sex. I’m a straight woman btw.
A year and a bit ago I was in the happy situation of being in a physically healthy relationship. So my SO and I were in the shower and I decided I wanted to try to pleasure him. I thought I’d go all the way and let him ‘finish’ in my mouth.
So i’m doing my thing, he seems to be enjoying himself and he tells me that hes ready to …finish up. I get myself all mentaly prepared and get ready for it.
Suddenly this putrid, warm discusting goo is in the back of my throat and instantly the caeser salad I had eaten for lunch is all over him and all over the bathtub.
Its the only time in my life i’ve simultaniously been barfing, laughing and appologising all at once. I’ve never seen an erect penis shrink so quickly.
After my freshman year as an undergrad, I returned home for the summer. My girlfriend from college came down for a visit. Pre-marital sex in my parent’s home was not allowed, but we were young and very much in love. Fortunately, girlfriend had one of those mini-stationwagons popular in the late 70s/early 80s. We took her car to a secluded spot for a little “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights”. As we were young and very much in love, we were parked there for several hours and the windows were well and truly fogged up. I saw car headlights approaching, and grabbed my pants. As the lights got closer, I saw the bubble lights of the local sheriff’s department and figured trouble and embarassment were about to ensue. Being a gallant gentlemanly sort about such things, I hopped out of the car to face the gendarmes, wearing nothing but my jeans, even zipping up same in the harsh glow of the spotlight mounted on the patrol car. The officer was a sport, at least. He first demanded my ID, which I handed over. I was 18 at the time. He then asked about the age of the girl, to which I replied with all the dignity I could muster, “the Lady is 21, Sir.” He then demanded her ID, which I retrieved through the window. Upon inspecting same, he replied “Damn, she really is 21. All right, y’all get dressed and get on out of here”. Realizing my good fortune, the only answer I could stammer was “y-y-yessir thankyousir”.
Ironies of life can be astounding, for the story does not end there. Years later, my parents built a new home not 100 yards from that formerly secluded spot, and I am reminded of the incident every time I visit.
I walked into a bar once. I was supposed to be meeting my GF there. When I walk int, I see my GF standing at the bar with her back to me. She was wearing a backless shirt (Which she KNOWS I love) and sluty little skirt.
So me, what do I do? I walked right up behind her put my hand on her ass and whispered in her ear “I’m gonna tear that ass up tonight baby!!”
The only thing is, to my horror, it wasn’t my GF at all!! It was a complete stranger! And let me tell ya’ She wasn’t the slightest bit impressed with my pick up line.
