I’m no dummy, and I’m not pretending to be the “good guy” here, so I’m aware this thread may make me appear to be selfish. So be it. Here’s the story: I’ve been dating a woman for about 4.5 months. She’s kind of moody and anti-social, but nothing I couldn’t live with. I knew she had kids when I met her, and just went with the flow until I met them. But now I’ve been around them multiple times, and … they’re uncouth, undisciplined (even for their ages), immature, and ill-mannered. Her 11-year-old daughter is the most foul-mouthed child I’ve ever seen. Her 13-year-old son is autistic, and easier to deal with, but still mirrors the behavior of everyone around him. In that household, that’s not a great way to be.
So, I’m fairly certain I don’t want a relationship as serious as this woman has been lining me up for. I am aware that kids are a package deal, and I broke my cardinal rule by dating somebody with TWO children who are both in double digit ages, so I accept my share of responsibility for creating this situation so far. I’m pretty sure I’m going to end it. But, just how honest should I be?
Just to be clear here: I’m not asking IF I should stay with this person, I’m asking HOW I should break it off, in a way that maintains everyone’s dignity.
I misread your title. I though you were saying you wanted to break it off so you could date her kids!
To answer your question though, honesty is best.
I don’t think you need to tell her that her kids are horrible, uncouth brats. I don’t even think you need to specify that it was the kids, per se. At 4.5 months, you owe her an official breakup (no text messages, please) but you do not owe her an in-depth analysis of where the relationship went wrong. “I feel like we’re not at the same point in our lives, or have similar priorities. I think it’s best that we part ways.”
She knows that most guys aren’t into the single mother thing. She probably knows her kids aren’t the best. She may or may not try to get you to admit that it’s the kids, but I’d stand firm on not saying so. And in the future, steer clear of single moms if you know that’s one of your rules.
Well, hold the phone. We had a conversation tonight on why we haven’t been intimate in 3 weeks. Guess she didn’t like what she heard, because she just texted me to say she’s coming over to get her stuff at 9 p.m. Knowing her, I figure this is a bluff ultimatum designed to make me apologetic. In reality, she’s giving me exactly what I want. Should I feel guilty? Even a tiiinny bit?
It sounds to me like the kids aren’t actually the problem. The problem is in how the kids are being raised, which means that she’s the problem. And it’s never unreasonable to break off an uncommitted relationship because the other person is a problem.
EDIT: If she wants to break it off, and you want to break it off, what is there to feel guilty about?
Nah! Why would you? She is better off without you.
I’ve rather concluded as much. That’s kind of the thing I’m trying to avoid saying!
I’m not used to breakups being easy.
Quite possibly, though I’m not sure SHE will see it that way.
Why would you say this? As Chronos said; how her kids are being raised is a reflection on how she is raising them. She may be frazzled from working multiple jobs to make ends meet & not have the time or energy needed to devote to them or she may be eating bon-bons & living on alimony; we weren’t told that. All we know is they aren’t the nicest of kids.
Do you even have to tell her why? You can just say that this isn’t working for me. If she does demand to know why, you can say that I don’t feel that I can be a good step-dad to your children. No need to go into details about how they suck.
Oddly enough, I was just dumped by a lady I had been dating for 4.5 months. Even though I didn’t want to end things, I did see it coming so it wasn’t a total shock. It didn’t even occur to me to ask her why. She just wasn’t feeling it anymore. Such is life. I guess that I’m an outlier because every friend I have told all asked me why and were surprised when I said, “I didn’t ask.”
I’ve never actually broken up with a girl before in a normal way(just sorta drifted apart from my first girlfriend and married the second one), but if I was in your situation I’d probably say I’m concerned that her kids need a LOT of parenting and I’m just not up to that job. Now I do have experience with stepparents, and known a lot of people with stepparents, and ideally the stepparent takes awhile to be considered an actual parent. That status is earned. What you’ve got is kids that need to be raised totally different from how they’ve been raised so far, which pretty much means you taking over and being the leader of the household. That’s a lot to ask of someone. I couldn’t do it. I could marry a woman with kids, but I’d have to be a plus to the family, not a replacement for her terrible parenting.
Everyone thinks they want honesty and a detailed reason of why they got broken up with. This almost never ends well and it doesn’t help either party. “It’s just not working out, sorry” is all the reason you need and all the reason you should give.
Yeah, that’s pretty much the case here. The reason I feel guilty, as stated above, is that this woman has not had the easiest life. I feel like I’m punishing her for things she couldn’t help. But when says she “can’t help” swearing around her kids because she “has no filter,” and then her daughter says the exact same thing, well … Guess I’ll just grit my teeth and get it over with. Not looking forward to rejoining the dating pool.
Sure. You’re being kind of deceitful and manipulative, letting her break up with you, when you’ve already decided to break up with her, when you know she doesn’t really want to break up with you … but nothing to lose sleep over.
^ That sounds like a good enough reason by itself.
I’m a single mom, not looking for a replacement Dad, and it would bother me if someone found my kids hard to deal with. I’d have probably noticed that already though. The honesty would be appreciated.
Not quite sure why you felt the need to insult the OP like this, but you’re not in the Pit. Post civilly or stay out of this thread.
No warning issued, but keep it polite.
Yeah, I have a cousin who totally ruined three kids. She’s a better person now and is raising her grandkids(because the kids couldn’t handle it being brought up badly and all), and is doing much better. Plus two of her three kids still live with her.
Due to her problematic parenting she couldn’t meet any good guys, only guys who wanted to use her or guys who couldn’t handle that kind of commitment. And frankly, anyone with kids they are unable to raise shouldn’t be looking for a mate. That almost never ends up being good for the kids. People like that tend to bring a lot of bad seeds home. That’s how kids get sexually abused and/or shaken or beaten into brain damage. My wife has a friend who has born two children from two different stepfathers.
Yes, it’s usually not these people’s fault that they are so screwed up. But they have to want help. If she knows she’s screwed up and wants help, maybe you can save her. I’ve also known people saved by love. If her problems are just behavioral and she doesn’t have substance abuse issues, she’s probably got a very good chance of learning how to better her life and the lives of her children. And of course you have to believe that you’re the man for the job.
Obviously she needs someone who can help her. He’s just not that person. Break it off, the sooner the better. IMHO.
If you think she’s trying to manipulate you into staying with her then that’s a whole 'nuther kettle of fish. Let her come get her stuff, wish her well, and move on.