End this relationship. Whether she does it or you do (“It’s just not working out” is all you have to say), it doesn’t matter. Don’t go into detail. You don’t owe her an explanation.
This statement in your OP was a big red flag to me, “She’s kind of moody and anti-social, but nothing I couldn’t live with.” I’m sure you’re right about this, but you do not have to “live with” it. This level of doubt does not bode well for the future success of the relationship, kids or no kids. Don’t rescue someone just because they’ve had a hard time in life. She will find someone else to rescue her, I assure you.
And don’t call her any more. No more conversation. At all. Leave her number in your phone, and if she calls you, don’t pick up. Clean break, that’s the kindest thing. Don’t feel guilty. By getting out of her life, you’re doing both of you a favor.
Move on. When you have doubts, listen to them.
I dated a guy for years and I constantly wondered if I should break up with him. He was a great guy and really loved me, but still I wondered just about every day. When I met the man I would marry, I didn’t wonder any more–I was absolutely sure I wanted to marry him. And I thought to myself, “Oh. This is what it’s supposed to feel like.”
Well, that’s that and it’s over now. I do feel a little bad. Just about everything everyone has said about why we should split has been true. But I did like her enough to date for months, and I know she did care for me on some level too. sigh
I hope you’re right. Her personal life has been one long disaster; in fact, her life in general has. It’s not so much that she needed rescuing; I’m not that ambitious or delusional, and would’ve avoided any such situation. It’s more like I was helping just by being a normal guy, who didn’t beat her, steal from her, cheat on her, etc. It’s kind of like what adaher described; she just couldn’t seem to figure out how to run her own life.
But …she was already making progress. She copied the way I budget my money, and all of a sudden she wasn’t overdrawn every month. I told her she deserved a better job/higher pay, so she started job hunting. Once her boss started getting reference check phone calls they gave her a 50% raise! I wondered just how high she could go, but it just seemed like SUCH a long path. Frankly, hanging out with her and her kids made me feel like I was slumming it, and I don’t know how that could’ve ever changed.
She shouldn’t be dating men to find someone to help her out. The relationship should be solid on its own, before the guy is in a position to be helping her out.
@the OP: I think you should let her know, indeed. It is possible she doesn’t realize her kids need a change in parenting style. If nothing else, honesty usually beats burying feelings or leaving truth unexpressed.
Not to hijack, but what kind of man are you implying the single mom would be better off with? Someone who would say, “Your daughter’s foul-mouthed/undisciplined behavior is good and appropriate?”
It seems the OP has already helped her. If he is not willing to help anymore, or if it is too much for him to handle he should move on. I was being smart-assed by saying what I did, the way I did. I want to be careful saying anything else, but it does seem it is not the right fit for either of them. Apparently it is a done deal now, anyway.
i think this is the way to do it if you are willing to never get married, because you may never find that guy that you’re sure about. And I know a lot of happy,never married women in their 40s. Weren’t willing to settle.
But a person who wants a family more than anything and can’t imagine the prospect of being single for life, you do have to take a more intellectual approach to the exercise. My wife certainly has never been head over heels for me. I got chosen because I’m safe and predictable. No vices, no criminal record, don’t sleep around, no anger issues. When we adopt kids I’ll be an adequate to good parent. She’s made it very clear she chose me logically, not emotionally. And I’m good with that. The idea of marrying based on what your heart says is primarily a modern western idea. Other cultures have known for a long time that there are pitfalls to that approach. It’s especially problematic if everyone is expected to get married. It only works well in our culture because it’s okay to be single your whole life.
First, decide what you want. If you don’t NEED to have a family and can be happy single, don’t settle. Wait for “the one”. If having a family is a very important thing to you, play the dating game. I regret never having done low stakes dating. I just fell into relationships and one worked and one didn’t. But I would have liked to meet people and learn what I liked and didn’t like in a woman.
I don’t have any advice but this seems to be a common problem. Sometimes not the kids themselves but the way the parent deals with them. I still recall the first time I heard of this kind of problem, an older friend told me he broke it off with a woman he was about to marry when he realized how dishonest she was with her kids. He felt if she could lie to her own children she wouldn’t have any problem lying to him.
Don’t consider this good advice, but I think you should take the hit and say you aren’t ready for kids.
That has been my experience, too. When I’ve come to the decision that I wanted to break up with someone, I usually didn’t have to do anything formal. Nature just took it’s course.
My advice is the OP should just offer some generic reason like “I’m sorry. I just don’t feel this is right for me.” Don’t identify the children as the reason.
The OP is leaving this situation but the family is still going to be together. Creating possible resentment between a mother and her children isn’t going to help anyone.
Pretty much same here. I’d keep my trap shut and use a generic reason for the reason you state. I don’t think anything good comes of telling her that her asshole kids are the reason they broke up.
