I wish you the best, and hope that this will work itself out for the best somehow, even if it means you don’t see or hear from her. I deleted a long ramble about a sister-in-law who reminds me of your daughter - it boils down to that because everyone keeps bailing her out of her jams/jail/whatever, she’s now in her late 40s and still sponging off of whoever she can. I wonder if they’ll ever let her hit bottom.
{{{{Norinew}}}}
I may not have told you this, lady, but I admire you and the way you’ve handled this whole rotten situation. Anyone can do right when it’s the easy thing; you’ve done right when it’s been hard and heart-breaking. I just wish I could offer you more than admiration and hugs. I wish you strength and courage, because it sounds like you need them. You’re also welcome to e-mail me anytime. I’ve had the very great pleasure of meeting you in person as well as knowing you on-line. You have my best wishes, and I wish they were more. Thank you for not letting your oldest daughter drag your other two families down. You have my utmost respect.
No advice, no wisdom. Just hugs, for your family, but especially for norinew, and for EtherealFreakofPinkness, if she’s lurking here. I’m sure having your parents upset by your sick sister is no barrel of laughs, especially this time of year when everyone’s a teensy bit stressed out anyway.
I’m sure it isn’t. And she was only 12 when all of this started-a very impressionable age; she’s very sensitive, anyway, always has been (when she was just a toddler, she would burst into tears from being looked at sternly!) She is in counseling, at her request, just dealing with stuff.
The good news is that all this has made her a very good big sister to my youngest daughter.
Siege, that means a lot, especially coming from you. The pleasure of the in-person meetings was mine, I’m sure! 
While you cannot offer more than hugs and support, those things mean more than you know!
FerretHerder, my father was an alcoholic. He got sober in AA when I was only 14. Growing up around the 12 step program, I learned a lot about enabling people with these issues. When this whole mess first started, my husband and I agreed that enabling her was about the worst thing we could do, for all involved. Thankfully, we’re on the same page on this. I realize that a problem like this can seriously damage a marriage that’s not that strong to begin with (or maybe even one that is).
eleanorigby, that’s very sad that your sister died without getting better. But I can understand the relief, too. 
My husband had a brother who had a lot of issues. Unlike my daughter, he worked, and hard. But he also partied hard. He was determined to never grow old, and he didn’t. He died of a cocaine-induced heart attack at age 42.
I used to watch Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect a lot. Sometimes, one of the guests on the show would be someone from a “human interest” story that had been making the rounds. This one time, it was a woman who had, over the years, taken in dozens and dozens of foster children. I remember this episode in particular, because at one point she insisted that if a kid gets in trouble, or acts out, or is anything other than perfect, it’s always the parent’s fault. Always, always, always. No exceptions. Any kid would turn out okay, if their parents would just stop fucking up.
Every now and then, I think of that woman, and I want to hit her with a brick.
Best of luck to you and your family, norinew. You’re an amazingly strong woman.
Hah! I spent family week in rehab with my sister. Rehab was at Pia Melody’s Meadows - the codependency black hole of the world (my sister’s choice). Reading her book (a prereq we complied with in the interest of getting my sister better) we expressed concerns to our family therapist at the Meadows that this was about blame. She assured us it wasn’t. But its very hard not to be about blame when the addiction premise is “you weren’t nurtured as a child.” The week ended with my sister making “amends” - by telling us all how badly we’d hurt her. Oh, and convinced she’d been sexually abused by every male she encountered from my grandfather, to her seventh grade biology teacher, to our childhood dog.
Fortunately, my mother and father recognized it (with help from my sister and I) as the bullshit it was. My sister was more nurtured than either of us older kids (in the way only the baby of the family can ever afford to be nurtured). Neither of us is wallowing in addiction and blaming the world for not being straight.
Some people are just broken. And until they decide they want to fix themselves, all the duct tape in the world that WE apply won’t fix them, no matter how much we want it to. It would be so much easier if we could…But it would also be easier if they didn’t blame us.
I was thinking about stuff like that since you’d mentioned your husband had hit this new limit with her. I’m glad to hear you’re on the same page, and importantly, you’ll be protecting your younger children from a disruptive influence.
Norine;
I’ve followed your threads for awhile now, and I need to tell you how much I admire your strength and courage. I’m glad that you and your husband are not blaming yourselves- this is NOT your fault, it’s hers. She can re-join the human race anytime she wants to. In the meantime, you are doing the right thing by limiting contact with her.
I fear that she is , at best, on her way to jail for a good long stint, after her and BoyFriend get busted for dealing. Come to think of it, though, that is probably not the worst thing that could happen.
May God bless you and your family, and continue to give you the strength to carry this burden.
I’m so sorry, norinew.
Well, I’ve seen and heard that kind of opinion espoused (or at least implied) a lot of places. Every single fuckin’ time you read a magazine or newspaper piece on kids gone bad, you’re sure to find the same old chestnuts: these kids are from broken homes; these kids were ignored or abused by their parents; these kids grew up with no stability; these kids didn’t have good examples set for them. Ugh. This is when we need a pukey smilie. Yes, kids from bad backgrounds turn out bad more often than their counterparts from stable, safe, secure homes. People love this meme, because it allows them to say “Oh, that’s never going to happen to us, because we’re going to give our children a safe, stable, strong home, and raise them right!” It’s almost talismanic. Except that it doesn’t really work. Have her father and I made mistakes? Yep, probably thousands of them. Every parent does, I don’t care who the fuck you are. But believe me, no one wants to try to look me in the face and tell me we didn’t do the best we could, because we damned well did, and I’ll tell them so!
Dangerosa, I’m profoundly grateful that none of the rehabs or psych wards she’s been in have played the “blame game”. Her counselors, etc., upon meeting face-to-face with us, have all been in agreement the problem is hers, to fix or not, as she sees fit and is willing to put in the effort for!
Ferret Herder, between the Dope and a rock-solid marriage, I still have some semblance of sanity left! 
Honestly, I don’t know if I could get through all this alone, or with a husband who I was at odds with.
PharmBoy, thank you for the kind words! Now, since you’ve officially admitted to being a fan of mine, would you please get your ass to the next available DopeFest so we can meet face-to-face?
BiblioCat, thanks! Sorry I missed you guys at Dope The Halls, hope to see you again soon! Hugs!
Oh Norine -I didn’t see this thread yesterday…Well we’ve spoke about this before and life with someone with BPD is a Merry-Go-Round at best. There will come a point if it hasn’t come already where grining and bearing it won’t be an option anymore. It sounds to me that she is not working with her illness but against it. And self destructive behaviour will continue until she is either locked up, or comes to her senses. Time is running out it appears for the latter. Feel free to email me if you’d like.
Norine, I grew up in a safe, stable, loving home, and I was the world’s biggest fuckup for most of my teenage years. I’m lucky I’m alive - and that’s not bullshit and it’s not an exaggeration. If you want, PM me and I can give you a few details - it isn’t something I want to share with the whole board - it’s pretty intensely personal. My point is that the blame can’t be put at the feet of the parents - in my case, the blame lied with ME.
My continued support - anytime you feel like talking or venting or anything, let me know. You and your husband are pretty amazing people!!
Exactly. That’s what’s so damned frustrating! She’s been given every tool that can be given to her, but she refuses to use them. She said she needed counseling, we got it for her. But I don’t think she wanted counseling. She wanted attention. There’s a certain “romance” in being able to say “Yeah, I’m in therapy”. She got drugs. She doesn’t want to use them as tools, but again, the attention of being able to say “Oh, I’ve been on lithium and Wellbutrin and Buspar, and Depakote and Godon and Xanax and. . .” Ugh. She doesn’t want help, just attention. And the attention just makes it all worse. I’m not sure she’s ever really been addicted to drugs/alcohol (Oh, I know she’s abused them, but that’s a whole different thing, don’t you think?) She just likes the attention that AA and NA give her. She has no intention or desire of applying the steps or principles to her life. She just wants the attention. The last time she attempted suicide (by taking all of her Geodon at once), I was in the middle of a kidney stone battle, was sick for over a month. So her father and sisters were more focused on * me* than on her. We can’t have that, can we? So with me staring more kidney stone surgery in the face, what does she do? Swallow a handful of pills, end up in a psych hospital, then whine at us because we’re not visiting her! Again, just, ugh.
You know what? Screw it. I’ll just email you!
Missy2U, check your PMs.
Norine, one thing I didn’t mention in my return PM was that you’re right - it did have a lot to do with attention - you hit the nail on the head, sweetheart!
Could you bribe her to have some kind of birth control, like Implanon or an IUD, installed? Just a thought.